Cancer Survivors Network

This will be my first Christmas without my mother. Im not taking this very well. But im trying very hard. Last Christmas was the first Christmas I had dinner at my house and my mother came and it was so nice...seeing as im only 32 and an only child this was a big thing to start having holidays at my house. I was so looking forward to another go at it...but then she died. I really hopes she sees this Christmas(from heaven) as even though she wont be here, I have invited every misfit I know who doesnt have a place to go for dinner. And this year instead of 13 people there will be 25!. I know that seems like a crazy thing to do, but what the heck else am I going to do. I need to keep my mind busy so I dont drive over a cliff. I bought outragous gifts for my kids, even though they were pretty bad this year lol...I even bought my 10 year old a beebee gun.....Ill make sure he doesnt shoot his eye out, I promise. And my 13 year old a tablet...which I know darn well she will destroy in a week. I bought my boyfriend those expensive concert tickets I always used to say were too unaffordable...fudge it who cares!!!! Im being sued for my moms old house because guess what I was on the deed and she was in foreclosure. So I gave a lawyer 2000 I didnt have right before Christmas because he can take care of it for me...I got a crazy Christmas to attend to.

To everyone who is a surviving caregiver,
This is my second Christmas withought my beloved husband. Somehow I really don't remember much about last year. But now it will be 2 years in March since he died and I've managed to go on. Christmas will never be the same, but I have 3 wonderful children and 2 great daughter-in-laws and 3 beautiful, healthy grandsons who will help me through it again. I still get tears in my eyes many times, but we had almost 46 years to celebrate together, so I try and remember all of those happy times we had.
No matter how hard we try, we will never forget our loved ones. I look up at the stars on a cold, wintry night & imagine that they are the windows in heaven and our loved ones are looking down at us.

First Ill give a little bit of history. My mom passed away last June, from emphysema. She was diagnosed 16 years ago and never quit smoking. About 6 years ago she became bedridden with emphysema and never quit. During that time my parents lived a mile away from me. Every event of my adult life has been marred my one of my parents illness's. I have held my mother when she overdosed (more than once)and waited for the ambulance. I have spent many years in the hospital with her.I have watched her deteriorate to nothing. I have heard the nasty words come out of her mouth,(due to all the medications).

My Mom was a four year survivor.My brother died in 2008.On Dec. 31 we found out her cancer had come back.I went with her every week to chemo.She went through several trials.Even though it was stage 4 and had spread to her spine and liver and her doctor gave her 5 years at most with treatment. she seemed to take it in stride. christmas of 2010 she came home from the hospital.Thats when I started living with her.The cancer had spread to the fluid around her lungs and she had to be on oxygen.By the time Apr. had come she was getting more confused.and would get angry with me about weather or not I had or had not given her her meds.I could not get her to keep her oxygen on.She died on apr.

After losing my beloved Dennis, I have learned that life does go on. Am preparing to enter a nursing program to finish my education, have survived financially, met a wonderful man, working so hard to set my feet back on the ground!

Yet every single day, I think of my beloved Dennis! I talk to him, I ask him to pray for me, I ask him what he thinks of what I am embarking upon... I know I will love that man until the day I take my last breath!

I pray with all my heart that all of you are feeling the newness of a life that our Lord has set out for you!

God bless,

Lucy

Its been a while since I have posted so an update is in order. Grace has been deceased for quite a while now leaving me as the surviving caregiver and widower. Some good news I am to be married again on 8th October. Yes, it is something.

Had a very bad journey after loss of Grace and recovered to come across a most delightful lady who I dearly love. So, I suppose my journey has come full circle right back to those days I was engaged to Grace.

All I can say, Glioblastoma Multiforme is a killer. Comes from seemingly nowhere to overwhelm and take loved ones away. Never do I want to go thro

Earlier this evening, I closed my eyes and went back a year ago. Well, actually it will be a year ago, tomorrow. July 4, 2010. I remembered the fun my beloved Dennis and our grown up kids had setting fireworks off! He was almost done with his chemo, feeling good and it was a spectacular night! This man was a pyromaniac! And a kid in a candy store, only it was the fireworks stand. He could hardly wait to go and purchase his "loot"!

As this memory played through my mind, I felt a smile come across my lips. What a beautiful feeling, to begin to be able to remember and it not hurt!

Have a good 4th of July, dear ones. May a memory cause your lips to form a smile!

Funny how the most mundane of things can become "treasures" at different times in our lives! Six months ago, after my beloved Dennis passed away, I collected all his toiletries and placed them in a basket under his sink. There they have remained, except for a can of shaving cream.

At some point, I ran out of shaving cream. Put it on my shopping list, but what was I to use at that moment? Then I remembered, there is almost a full can under the sink! It was almost full as my poor dear only needed a scant amount, close to the end of his life, as there was only a scant amount of hair and whiskers that had grown back. Between the chemo and radiation, he had pretty much gone to just cleaning up errant hairs.

Babe lyrics
Songwriters: De Young, Dennis;

Babe, I'm leaving, I must be on my way
The time is drawing near
My train is going, I see it in your eyes
The love, the need, your tears

But I'll be lonely without you
And I'll need your love to see me through
Please believe me, my heart is in your hands
'Cause I'll be missing you

'Cause you know it's you babe
Whenever I get weary and I've had enough
I feel like giving up
You know it's you babe
Giving me the courage and the strength I need
Please believe that it's true, babe, I love you

You know it's you babe
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/styx-lyrics/babe-lyrics.html -]

Since the passing of my beloved husband, I have had many reflective moments, as I am sure many of you have also had. One reflection has been how he always signed notes, letters and cards to me, "yours forever and ever". Weeks after he passed, I was very confused as to how this "life" and "death" thing works. And I suppose I was bitter in my grief. My thoughts were, "a lot of good it did for him to sign that way" or "there is no forever and ever".

A few days ago, it occurred to me that he will love me forever and ever. Forever is not a "physical" word, but more a "spiritual" word. When we said our vows, we vowed to love until death do us part. But who dwells on that on that most joyous of days? Who dwells on that while they are beginning a life together, home and family?