Alcohol after treatment

Pclark21st
Pclark21st Member Posts: 126
in Head and Neck Cancer #1

My bf of 22 years never told me how bad his swallowing was getting.  When his voice changed dramatically and I was able to drag him to the hospital we learned he had Stage IV HPV scc tonsil cancer.  His tumor was between 5 to 10 cms.  He had emergency tracheostomy and feeding tube.  We've ended 40 rads and 3 Cisplatin.  PET scheduled for next Friday with hopes of NED.

Obviously his excessive drinking and smoking led us here.  It had gotten so bad that i was ending our relationship at end of 2017 when we learned of the cancer.   The drinking has caused many negative problems with his relationships on many levels...friends, work, family.  I know hes an alcoholic but he doesnt believe that.  He finally admitted to a new pc doc how many drinks he had each day and I'm sure that was still not truly accurate.

 

My question is...he stopped drinking December 15 but as we near the end and plans are in place to remove trach and tube, he would like an occassional drink.  I want to know if anyone else has had this issue/concern and how did you handle.

Comments

  • Pclark21st
    Pclark21st Member Posts: 126
    #2
    Trust me when i say I think

    Trust me when i say I think it stupid to even think about even 1 drink.  I didn't fight so hard to give him a 2nd chance at life for him to throw it away with a beer which will lead to more and probably smoking again, I not naive.  Um trying to garner all the data from real life examples to present to him for him to make an informed decision...then we will see what he does with that. 

      

  • Tonita
    Tonita Member Posts: 197 Member
    #3
    You are not going to change

    You are not going to change him.  Alcoholics cannot have "an occasional drink".   Only he can change and alcoholism is a tough nut to crack.  So, you have three choices.  !) keep banging your head against the wall trying to convince him of anything to no avail or 2) accept things as they are and never speak of it again or 3) leave while you still have a life left.

    I also think you should go to an al-anon meeting for help with yourself. especially if you plan on living with this.

    Those are the harsh realities of addiction. 

    I do wish you the best of luck.

  • AnotherSurvivor
    AnotherSurvivor Member Posts: 383 Member
    #4
    I may, in the past, have

    I may, in the past, have imbibed a bit too freely, tho I also have gone many years at a time completely dry.  My post-treatment experience was that at 6 months post all beer tasted like rootbeer, and at 14 months post single malt scotch caused extreme indigestion.  Last night at 18 months post I had a very good Costco Sauv Blanc with dinner.  My chemo Onc says that occasional wine is okay for post treatment patients, I will miss very well constructed brandies, my kid the ER doc and his buds finished the scotch supply at their last chili feast.  Peasants.

    Alcoholism is a symptom of other problems.  Few actually have true physical dependence tho I believe there is some evidence of genetic disposition.  Most are dealing with some form of self-esteem issue, including people who are otherwise quite successful.  Most of the hard drunks I have known were in extreme situations, the military is a career that can be a hard life.  Quietly unknown is a lot of those special forces warriors end up living alone, in communities of other former spec warriors.  Outside of Fort Bragg is one, San Diego is another.   I am convinced that WW II lives on in boomer children of traumatized veterans of Tarawa, Okinawa, Omaha beach. 

    There is a lot of debate now about how effective AA and 12 step programs are, but ultimately it does come down to willpower.   I have known Friends of Bill who were exceptional men in every other way, but were absolutely convinced they could never have another drop.  I have known others who did truely drink themselves to death.  I think you need to make choices based on your interests, and grant BF the responsibility to act for himself.

  • patricke
    patricke Member Posts: 570
    #5
    DRUG/ALCOHOL ADDICTION I

    Hi Pclark,

    As they say for alcoholics, "one drink is too many, and a thousand are not enough."  Drug addiction, and alcohol is a drug, is a medical as well as psychological problem.  The best practice approach, that I believe that most addiction professionals will tell you, is to get both psychological and addiction treatment.  It sounds like your boyfriend needs to get into some type of program, at least starting with AA or one of the similar support programs that are offered in many communities.   Ultimately, he has to make the decision to get help.  Nothing, that you or anyone else can do will persuade him to seek treatment.  Most folks who decide to get help do so after hitting bottom, as they say; and going through a Beast war is a pretty significant bottom from my point of view.    The great news is that he has been alcohol free for a very long time at this point, so he is over a significant obstacle, and now is the ideal time for him to keep the alcohol free momentum moving forward. I agree with Tonita that Alanon or a similar support group would be supportive forum for you where you would probably find it helpful to be able to discuss your issues with others in similar situations.  It would also be worth considering to consult with an addictions professional in your community to discuss your situation and options. Hopefully, now that he has been, again as they say, "clean and sober," during treatment, your boyfriend will open his eyes to his apparent alcohol dependency and look for some type of assistance. You are in a difficult position, I wish the best outcome for your boyfriend and you.

    Patrick   

  • tommyodavey
    tommyodavey Member Posts: 727 Member
    #6
    New Study

    So sorry you have to deal with this behavior.  Being a recovering alcoholic myself I know that nothing a loved one can say will change a drinkers habits.  It comes from within when the person has had enough pain and suffering and is willing to accept help.

     

    Last months Mother Jones magazine had an article about the relationship between alcohol and cancer.  Even being an alcoholic who's had oral cancer I still never heard this news so it came as a shock.  We were all taught that the occaisional drink was good for you.  Absolutely not.  That study was done by looking at only heavy drinkers/alcoholics who gave it up after many years of abuse.  There is no health benefit whatsoever with having a drink once in a while.  The numbers are low but for us who have suffered from cancer cannot take a chance with even one drink.  I couldn't find the actual article but found a link they used to write it.  

     

    https://www.iarc.fr/en/media-centre/pr/2007/pr175.html

     

    Hope that helps.  And sorry to those who do have a drink now and then.  I didn't mean to spoil your fun.  This is now a similar issue to the tobacco companies denial of harm.  The alcohol beverage industry is fighting this with every lawyer they have.  Do some research, you'll be amazed and angry.

  • wbcgaruss
    wbcgaruss Member Posts: 2,275 Member
    #7
    One Drink is Too Many

    Your boyfriend has had a huge wakeup call.

    With this illness and the other things you talked about- problems with his relationships on many levels...friends, work, family. 

    And a good woman to stick by him through all this instead of following through with the breakup like

    she was going to.

    He is lucky to be alive and have a loving and supportive woman like he has still with him.

    If he hasn't come to the realization that he has had enough to drink in his life and it is a good time to

    stick with the changes made and stay away from the bottle I don't know if he ever will.

    I wasn't going to respond to this but I've had my share and then some.

    Quit at age 50 and glad I did and if he stays away from it he will find better things in life to fill the gap.

    If he has that occasional drink that will be it he will most likely be back where he started-you can't drink just one.

    Good luck-God Bless

     

  • SuzJ
    SuzJ Member Posts: 427 Member
    #8
    if you are lucky

    it will taste disgusting.

     

    But, I wouldnt hold my breath, and you need to take care of YOU.

  • donfoo
    donfoo Member Posts: 1,771 Member
    #9
    decisions, decisions

    There are those with addictions that are here fighting both cancer and smoking/drinking. As stated by others, the decision needs to come from within him, no one else is going to change his mind or actions. One thing for you to think about is after this HUGE wake-up call, he's still thinking about and asking about having a drink rather than seeking help to banish the addiction.

    Certainly, you love and care for him but it seems the best thing you can do is to help him get help with the addiction. If he can not agree and follow the only path to a sober life, you really need to decide if you want to continue with this style of living or find a new path forward for yourself. Don

  • bebo12249
    bebo12249 Member Posts: 181 Member
    edited June 2018 #10
    If he’s an alcoholic, he is

    If he’s an alcoholic, he is not interested in an informed decision. He’s only interested in protecting his habit, drinking or resumption of drinking. If he doesn’t want to stop, he will not respond to your real life examples. Move on or accept that you are going to have a relationship with an alcoholic..

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