why do i feel guilty, caregiver under stress

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gina4321
gina4321 Member Posts: 1
edited April 2018 in Breast Cancer #1

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015. She had moved out of state (14 hours away) 6 months prior to this. After being diagnosed here in PA she stayed with myself, my husband, our 2 kids and our 2 dogs during the year long process of chemo and radiation. We live in a 2 bedroom, 660 square foot apartment. She has been dealing with GI issues since October (and has been with us the ENTIRE time). She recently found out the cancer is back and in the peritoneum. She has started a once a month chemo regime. I am feeling incredibly resentful. She is very capable and able bodied but acts basically like a child. I have small children. One just diagnosed with ADHD and he will be starting therapy soon. I started an at home business this year and have been unable to dedicate the time I need to it because mom is always in the way..for lack of a better word. Her friends call her to go to their homes to give us a break and she refuses to go. I have to drive her everywhere. I feel extremely overwhelmed. I am a homebody and have not had time alone for myself since October. My siblings have homes but refuse to take her because she is so stubborn and unreasonable. She doesn't listen to the nutritionist and she's sick from chemo all the time but refuses to take her antinausea meds. Am I wrong for asking her to go back to Georgia and do her treatments. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I feel guilty even writing this.

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  • MySlippers
    MySlippers Member Posts: 2
    #2
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    I have been havin a rough day

    I have been havin a rough day so reading this hit home.   My husband was diagnosed in September 2016 with stage 3 went thru surgery chemo radiation and for 6 months was clear.  Then ct scan showed it was back In a lymph node.  It’s hard being the caregiver I feel alone and while right now what I am dealing with is different than you it is hard.  I am sorry you siblings don’t help-shame on them.  Hang in there. There are bad days I won’t lie but then the good one outweigh them.  

  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    #3
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    Caregivers need help

    Being a caregiver is really hard.  Sounds like you will have to ask for specific help to get any.  When most people say "if you need anything, let me know" they actually mean it, but often assume since you didn't ask, you don't need it.  You may have to tell your mom that you need a break for even a weekend and tell her she is going to visit  X for a weekend.  Call her friends or your siblings and ASSIGN them a time/date.  You will probably have to do this around her treatments which are tough.  Chemo is not for lightweights and your mom needs to not be alone in Georgia but it sounds like there are some options for her that she will need to accept for now at least.  Perhaps mom should move back to PA in her own apartment with help closeby as needed?  Where on earth do you put all those people in 660 square feet?   Best of luck to you.  

     

  • Apaugh
    Apaugh Member Posts: 850 Member
    #4
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    I feel that pain..I know your frustration..

    Off and on, over a 15 year period my mother was ill w/ cancer, I worked a full time job and I double timed it all the time to prep her day while I was at work. Dad was there, but he was pretty useless around the house.  For 52 years mother had spoiled him rotten.  Any time off I had was spent with mom.  I asked my sister, who lived 20 min. away if she would help out by doing some laundry, making some meals.  She bluntly told me she was not my maid.  She would stop in now and again, stay about a half hour and be gone.  I wanted to choke her!

    I promised mom that I would look after my father.  Now he is ill with heart issues and some old timers and she never comes and sees him or even calls.  Even though I am dealing with cancer myself now, I will stay and take care of Dad the best I can.  My Dad is precious to me and I beleive in honoring your parents and your promises.   

    I know how hard it is.  I hope this works out for you.  Prayers for peace and comfort for you and your mother.

    Hugs,

    Annie

  • Beepositive
    Beepositive Member Posts: 259 Member
    #5
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    hang in there

    Hang in there All...prayers and hugs

    Beepositive

  • Apaugh
    Apaugh Member Posts: 850 Member
    #6
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    Gina

    I had another thought too.  Pallitive Care faucility.  They can be a huge huge help to you and your mom.  Ask her docs about where the closest one is.  Your mom may be mad at first over this however, they will take great care and help her in so many ways.  It is is not just for the no hope cases.  Now days, many people go to them while doing chemo.  Learning about their care and gaining independence is part of it.

    Hugs

    Annie

  • Northwoodsgirl
    Northwoodsgirl Member Posts: 571
    #7
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    Apaugh said:

    Gina

    I had another thought too.  Pallitive Care faucility.  They can be a huge huge help to you and your mom.  Ask her docs about where the closest one is.  Your mom may be mad at first over this however, they will take great care and help her in so many ways.  It is is not just for the no hope cases.  Now days, many people go to them while doing chemo.  Learning about their care and gaining independence is part of it.

    Hugs

    Annie

    Caregiver Angel

    Annie, You are a wonderful daughter and woman. It is amazing how different siblings are when it comes to caring for their parents. Your parents are blessed to have you as their daughter. Please take care of yourself! All of us need respite from caregiving now and then.

    Lori

  • CRC1
    CRC1 Member Posts: 36 Member
    #8
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    Northwoodsgirl said:

    Caregiver Angel

    Annie, You are a wonderful daughter and woman. It is amazing how different siblings are when it comes to caring for their parents. Your parents are blessed to have you as their daughter. Please take care of yourself! All of us need respite from caregiving now and then.

    Lori

    Annie

    Lori, I second your thoughts for Annie, three cheers for Annie!  I lost my mother when I was 16 and would give anything if she were still with me to give back to her for the wonderful care she gave me, even when she was sick and hiding it from me close to the end. She was an incredible mother to me.  Annie you will have a special jewel in your crown.

    Blessings,

    Cecelia

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