How to Handle This

Ginko,

Ginko,

Are you having more troubles with the physical aspects or the mental aspects or both? If your 3 weeks down you just have 3 weeks to go. It is a painful experience but you only have 3 more weeks left. Be sure you're using the ointment for the burns and put it on everyday just make sure to wash it off before your next treatment. During my treatment I had a lot of support from friends that take me to my appointment each day. I did not work during this time and I don't know how anybody could but people do it. the worst of the pain for me was two weeks after treatment ended but each day after it slowly gets better. During my last radiation treatment I could not help but cry during the three to five minutes or whatever it was I was in the machine. After that last treatment I rang that gong so hard 30 times I thought I was going to break it. Be sure to keep eating during the whole process to keep your body repairing itself. After the treatments each day I would come home hang out on the couch mostly drink a protein shake in the morning and then the evening. We all are here for you and just remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though it may not seem like it you are halfway through it. Wishing you all the best and please reach out as much as you need to for support on this site. how are you doing with your digestion and bowel movements? I did not really have any diarrhea during my treatments but when I needed to go I needed to go and actually use a 5 gallon bucket near my bed for a few weeks. Just look at it one day at a time and it will be over before you know it.

Ginkgo...

Like Martha said, I guess we just needed to somehow dig deep and pull our own selves up because the reality is that no one (unless they've walked in your shoes) really does have the ability to fully understand...and for that, know that you have us!

As far as worry about what the techs are thinking...I actually believe if anything they are more worried about how what they see could be them one day and it scares them more than anything. I believe that most people are not really judging, but rather at a loss for what to say in situations such as ours because to most it is unknown territory.

For the physical pain and discomfort, by the time I was 3 weeks in, I was on a regular schedule of oxycontin every 12 hours. I was able to safely wean off the pain meds not long after treatment ended. While the meds didn't fully eliminate the pain, they certainly took the edge off and an added plus was that they also relieved some emotional anxiety as well.

This can be a very humiliating experience for sure, but put that thought of "how did you get it" into a bubble and blow it away because most people contract HPV (if in fact your case was HPV related) at some point in life, but also most peoples bodies rid themselves of it before it becomes active and leads to cancer. It is possible to carry the virus for decades before something like a weakened immune system fuels the fire. Most of us will never know the "how and why" on this journey so look ahead and try to focus on good days in your future...they WILL be coming, believe me!

Hang in there, your half way there, and know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you continue to keep moving forward.

katheryn

I literally put on my big

I literally put on my big girl pants (I wore boxer shorts) and got through it.  Reading the blogs really helped me during and after treatment. The HPV virus is very common even though our cancer is rare.  I thought only people who had anal sex get anal cancer.  WRONG!  I had to use a dialator during treatment and the techs were great.  They told me not to worry, they have seen everything.  My husband says I have forgotten most of the pain and suffering.  I am now one year cancer free and enjoying every day of it.  I did take some antianxiety medication during my treatment and it really helped.   ......oh and I still wear boxer shorts around the house.

Ginkgo

I remember one of the male techs talking about chances were good he would have to be getting pelvic radiation someday because of prostate cancer. I guess he had a family history or something. I really don't think the techs are judging you. I never felt judged by the doctors either. Remember that 80% of people who have ever had sex have HPV. It sounds like thinking about HPV made you think about when you got warts from the guy who was a bad choice and you have been thinking about things you thought you had left in your past. You didn't get this cancer because you are a bad person and it is not a punishment, sometimes things just happen. I agree with Scubajoe about having friends take you to radiation if you can. I did that too and it really helped. I think having cancer became an opportunity to see how much people cared about me. My family, friends, and coworkers were supportive and loving in a way I had never experienced. Try to think of all the people who love you and may be praying for you during your radiation. Maybe even talking to your favorite radiation tech would help. I only cried once at the cancer center and it was a radiation tech who was so supportive and kind who helped me through that. I think maybe you are being judgemental of yourself but I don't think the treaties are being judgemental. Be kind to yourself.