Lost Dad to Pancreatic Cancer

Hi Everyone, 

January 27th my Dad was told he had pancreatic cancer. We then found out it was stage 4 that had spread to his liver and lungs. He had lost a lot of weight before the diagnosis. Doctors told us he had maybe a year to live. I went home march 9th to be with my dad for his first treatment of chemo. Dad ended up getting pnemonia from having no immune system from the chemo and started to turn jaundice. He was hospitalized march 14th. Dad was then not responsive for about a week. Then came to out of no where. We were so shocked because doctors said he had a few days to live. We believe he was over medicated at first which put him in a state of no response. After he became responsive and started eating again me and my brother were able to spend time with him. He was back to his normal self expect for the physical aspect. He was very thin. He looked 80 years old and he was only 57.  April 10th dad was moved to hospice after the pain had become too much. He was put on a pain pump and we knew it wouldnt be much longer. Dad was at the hospice for 2 weeks then passed away with me my one brother, grandmother and my dads 2 siblings by his side. It was so hard to see my dad deteriorate. He was always so positive and wanted a good outcome so bad. I think it happened all so fast he didnt have time to accept it. Anytime a new doctor would come to see him he would always ask "is there a cure yet?". It was heartbreaking. I recently got married in july and my dad so badly wanted to be there. When he first got diagnosed he said to me " dont worry I will be at your wedding". I was lucky i was able to spend the last two month by his side. He always made my laugh and never got grumpy or mad about the situatio . Just always hopeful. I miss my dad so much. After he passed i focused on my wedding and planning it and getting everything finalized. I also went back to work 3 days after his funeral.  I had so much going i feel like i havent really grieved. After the wedding and everything kind of went back to "normal" i have been having a difficult time. Last month a started getting panic. attacks. Ive never felt like this before. I dont sleep at night. I try to occupy my mind so i dont think about everything that has happened. Im scared to be alone because thats when my panik attacks are the worst. I dont know how to cope with all this. My husband doesnt really understand and i dont blame him. He has both his parents and still has 4 grandparents. He has never lost anyone close to him. I just feel so sad for my dad. So sad he had to go threw all that he did and so sad he is missing out on a lot of things. My brother is getting married in a few months and bought a house and became a police officer recently. I got married. There were so many good things happening that my dad has or will be missing. Im just so sad for him even though i k ow he isnt in pain anymore.