My partner wants to run away

mariahkraft
mariahkraft Member Posts: 2
in Emotional Support #1

So I have been dating this amazing man for a few months. Everything is wonderful and we are very happy. He had radiation for a brain tumor about 2 years ago and said that it was gone. Recently he has been having intense headaches in the spot the tumor was, had a severe lack of energy, can't get out of bed on time, has some unexplained weightloss (20+lbs) and is feeling pretty "off". He said that we was scared but needed to go to the doctor. He said he is terrified of the results but I convinced him that its better to know than to let it go and find out after it could be too late.

He has been joking about dying a lot and keeps saying he has 6months left. I tell him that that isnt funny and I don't like it but he keeps doing it. He is at the doctor right now getting results from whatever tests he had (he wouldn't let me go with him) and told me that if its bad news he isn't coming home. He said that he doesnt want to put me through that and would rather deal with it on his own, like he did last time, before we met. 

I have been begging him not to do that but he keep saying that he doesn't want me to deal with his illness, that he doesn't tell people about it because they "can't handle it." That infuriates me because he won't give anyone the chance to handle it!

My dad died from advanced stage cancer 2 years ago yesterday and I was with him through all of it. I told my boyfriend that I know what its like to be the support and caregiver, that I CAN handle it and that I WANT to. I told him that I want to spend every moment I can with him even if its a limited time, that I want to support him and help him and live as many happy days together as we can. 

He sent me a text from the doc office about 2 hours ago and I haven't heard anything since. I don't know what I am going to do if he doesn't come home. My heart already feels like it's being ripped out of my chest. What do I do? What can I do? 

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    For goodness sakes

    He's not being fair. And is a little ridiculous.

    Hoping you have heard from him and all is well.

  • mariahkraft
    mariahkraft Member Posts: 2
    #3
    Noellesmom said:

    For goodness sakes

    He's not being fair. And is a little ridiculous.

    Hoping you have heard from him and all is well.

    I heard!

    Noellesmom I did hear from him. He came home and told me he was sick and was going to leave when things got worse, then said he was joking and he was fine. I don't know what to think now, whether he was joking about being sick or about being fine... It seems like apretty cruel trick to play on me either way.

  • david54
    david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
    #4
    mariahkraft said:

    I heard!

    Noellesmom I did hear from him. He came home and told me he was sick and was going to leave when things got worse, then said he was joking and he was fine. I don't know what to think now, whether he was joking about being sick or about being fine... It seems like apretty cruel trick to play on me either way.

    Hi-I'm sorry this happened to

    Hi-I'm sorry this happened to you.

    I think that sometimes there is a tendency to go overboard and give others who are dealing with a serious, possibly terminal illness a lot of slack and not set boundaries. I think you have every right to share how you feel, hurt, abondoned, disrespected. The outcome may not change, but he needs to hear it from you. And that is actually being respectful to him as well.

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #5
    mariahkraft said:

    I heard!

    Noellesmom I did hear from him. He came home and told me he was sick and was going to leave when things got worse, then said he was joking and he was fine. I don't know what to think now, whether he was joking about being sick or about being fine... It seems like apretty cruel trick to play on me either way.

    We do have to remember

    He had brain cancer.  Maybe this is part of his erratic behavior?

  • Mobjack
    Mobjack Member Posts: 10
    edited January 2017 #6
    A Squirrelly Partner

    Hi mariahkraft. This post was from a few months ago, so it may have resolved itself by now.  I just wanted to give you what is possibly his perspective, even though it does sound as if he's being a little cruel.  I am a long-term cancer survivor who currently lives with Chronic Radiation Enteritis that only in the past 2-3 years has gotten so bad that I can no longer work.  I find myself drifting into the same kind of drama talk that your bf seems to be dishing out to you.  IF (and this is only a guess), he is like me, then he is very afraid and confused and probably the last thing in the world that he wants to do is to hurt you.  I know this is my situation.  My partner works full time and has taken on an extra job due to my inability to work and the drastic reduction in salary that I incurred when I went on disability.  Sometimes I want to talk about death and dying too--it seems to make the spectre of it less daunting--however, I have learned to NOT bring up this topic with my partner who just can't handle it.  I also get frustrated that he is having to bear such a heavy burden while he is young and healthy and should be going out and seeing friends, traveling, and making lifetime plans and goals--all of which are thwarted by my illness.  I can rationally understand that it is completely his choice to stay with me as a sick man, and I get that his commitment is true and given freely.  But...I get freaked out wondering if I would be able to handle all of this if the shoe were on the other foot.  And a couple of times I have caught myself being a total ogre, perhaps a subconscious atttempt to chase him away?  Perhaps I have been feeling so sorry for myself that I have begun to expect bad things to happen, and when they don't come from him, I maybe try and stir the pot a bit.  This is totally ridiculous, I know.  But I think part of it has to do with me being home alone each and every day, filling my head with daily frustrations as I am unable to do the things I used to do.  All this to say, if you are still with this guy, just know that he is probably doing as best he can, and that allowing him to express all his crazy thoughts could be exactly what he needsl

Discussion Boards