Struggling emotionally

I'm 2.5 weeks post ringing the bell and I've just been hit with the worst depression and anxiety and it feels awful. I'm constantly worrying that I won't be the same person I was before, that I will struggle to reintegrate back into our normal routine, that I will somehow fail at the things that used to come so easily. I feel like I've been dependent for so long during this that I'm scared about being independent again and equally scared that I won't be independent again. All of these what ifs just take me over at times and leave me feeling so miserable. At times, when I read the messages here, it seems that others are having a smoother transition or didn't experience the level of anxiety and depression I have and it leaves me feeling like a failure or I'm doing something wrong. 

I just so want things to go back to normal - to eat again, to have this damn PEG tube out, to do things with my daughter - even just driving her to school or going to the store. I worry about how to make those first steps. 

Please send me strength or support. I'm feeling so down and lost. I feel like this damn treatment took so much out of me. 

Kari

Comments

  • swopoe
    swopoe Member Posts: 492
    edited September 2016 #2
    I didnt want to read and not

    I didnt want to read and not respond. My husband has done well, but he still has his moments when he gets sad about something. He never will be the same as before. We will never be the same as before. Things will always be different, but that is ok. It is the new normal, for all of us here. Things will get better for you. You will get the tube out, and you will eat again. Talk to us. Talk to your doctor, or maybe a therapist. You are in no way a failure. Everyone is different. Heck, I went on antidepressants when my husband got diagnosed...not him!  It just takes one day at a time. You will get there. Sending hugs, love and strength.

  • stevenpepe
    stevenpepe Member Posts: 234
    I'm sorry to hear about your

    I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. We will never be the same no matter how hard we wish. I am just over 2 months post treatment, and although I can eat just about anything, my voice seems to be getting worse. I am having issues speaking coherently because I am so hoarse. And, of course, my tongue is tied down to the left, so combine the two, and I just don't want to speak at all.

    I can't imagine how difficult a feeding tube is, because I didn't have one. My biggest fear is a recurrence, losing more of my tongue, then being dependent on the tube for life.

    You're not alone. Everyone here says it can be a long time before things get better, and I'm seeing that now. So, hang in there. We have little choice.

  • Sandraw
    Sandraw Member Posts: 40
    Hi

    I understand. I'm about 2-3 months post treatment, just back to work this Monday and honestly doubt I could do it without a low dose ativan daily. My med oncologist put me on it at the very beginning and he said it helps with nsusea so he kept me on it during treatment. I told a friend recently, I don't know what's wrong with me, I should be celebrating NED!  And I'm just down alot. I have noticed working and staying busy helps if you have the energy, I remember having energy to fold clothes was a big thing after treatment. All I can say is its getting better for me, I just have to be patient, do what I can when I can and I've called my Doc about possibly getting an antidepressant. I hope when I can start getting more endurance for exercise, alot of these feelings I can work out maybe.

  • Fritz
    Fritz Member Posts: 106
    Sorry you are down.

    Kari:

    Please hang in there. We all have to deal with this. I am 7 weeks post treatment today and still wonder what my "new normal" will be. I hope to hell it is not where I am today. I still have inflamation all along where my neck dissection was performed. The base of my tongue burns where it was removed. I have to have water or milk or some type of beverage on hand any time I eat as my saliva production is not enough to wash food down. I still have mucous scars deep in my throat that just drive me crazy. I probably have not really had a good night's sleep since March. I could go on and on but you get the drift.

    So trust me, it is a long road but we have to hang in there. We have to accept the fact that we will probably never be the same as we were before. I hate that just as much as everyone on this site. But we can only control what we can control and that is our own attitude towards this miserable cancer. Keep your head up as the most important thing is that you are here to be with your daughter. Push through this time and hopefully all will get better emotionally for you.

    Freddie

  • RottiesMom
    RottiesMom Member Posts: 167
    edited September 2016 #6
    Kari

    You won't be the same person and you are not a failure...you completed one the most difficult cancer treatments...you will be stronger...you are a cancer survivor!!  Try to stay in the day, tomorrow will take care of itself when it comes!  It isn't easy.. when you find yourself saying "what if" stop and look at what you've accomplished and say "well done."  I'm trying to look at the small ways I'm improving...whether it be a little less mucous, walking my dogs on the morning again, or being able to drink a shake instead of putting it in the tube.  I wish I had the right words to help you.  It will get better...I know it will!!  

    Joanne

  • Tmclaren
    Tmclaren Member Posts: 15
    edited September 2016 #7
    struggling emotionally

    I was so depressed after my treatments I just did not handle things well .I was an emotional wreck felt like I was in the deepest darkest place that I could not get out of .It took me a while to get myself back on my feet.I got on an antidepressant and something for anxiety both of which I am still on after 3 years post treatment .I still have my days now but nothing like before .Dont be to hard on yourself this is one of the hardest hurdles we can go through in life it turns your whole world upside down at least it did mine .But it will get better it just takes time .I was positive I would never drive again and I was so sure I would never get of the feeding tube all of which Ive managed to do so I totally know how you feel .I will say I doubt I will ever feel like I did before as the treatments seemed to take a toll on me and I never seemed to gain the stamina i had before but everyone is different . I just look at it as this is my new normal .Trust me you will get there it just takes a while .I know exactly how you feel as I felt the same way.

  • Grandmax4
    Grandmax4 Member Posts: 723
    edited September 2016 #8
    It is what it is~~~

    November 2,2016~~~~5 years out!!!! I was so full of guilt when I first had my surgery and was starting recovery, look what I'd put my family through, my wonderful Dr. put me on an antidepresent, not an opiate, just a little something to take off the edge. I promise you, you will get better as time passes, maybe you won't do all the things you did, but, you will be you and you'll learn to adapt. You'll eat, you'll laugh' , you'll love~~just take one step at a time, at 2 1/2 weeks, I was still in the hospital, and would be 2 more times with aspiration problems...you're going to get better..I promise

  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,722 Member
    edited September 2016 #9
    you have my strength and support

    Kari,

    The way you feel is just another of the unpopular side effects of treatment.  Remember, the most important thing that treatment took away from you was the cancer and as time (seems to) crawl along you will fall into your feel great, drive the car, play with your daughter and eat, eat, eat like any other normal person life.

    Things truly do turn around and this will be a memory.

    You are correct, many H&N members zip back into life and there is no competing with that.  I dare say you are doing better than some, be thankful.

    If you need help there are lots of meds which will take the edge off, don’t be afraid to ask.

    I have been in your shoes; my taste buds were mostly out to lunch for 7 months, but I am enjoying eating and that 7 months is way behind me.

    Get better,

    Matt

  • Raddude
    Raddude Member Posts: 84
    It's an adjustment

    to say the least, it gets better and better and then good. Celebrate the small victories and savor that you have overcome so much already. Everyday you will improve physically and mentally. You might not see it everyday but you do and will. Hang in there, it's just for a season.

  • Kari2007
    Kari2007 Member Posts: 108
    Thank you everyone

    I am feeling a bit better this afternoon, after having a little dance party with my daughter this morning, and running errands with my sister. We both listened to a meditation and then talked a lot, which felt good. I'm increasing my SSRI a bit to see if that helps take the edge off, and in the mean time, I think I need to accept and feel compassion for the tremendous amount of trauma that I just went through with treatment. Matt, you're right. The MOST important thing it took from me is my cancer (fingers crossed, but I feel in my heart it's gone), and everything else will come back in time. And, maybe those who say that I won't be the same after this are correct, but that doesn't mean that the essence of who I am is gone or that what comes next won't be richer. 

    Now, if I could just cultivate patience with the damn eating and getting off the PEG tube. In so many ways I'm doing great - no pain in my throat or mouth, I can swallow like a champ, my fatigue is slowly ebbing, and my blood work looks great. It's my mind that needs to heal the most right now, I think. 

    Kari

  • Kari2007
    Kari2007 Member Posts: 108
    swopoe said:

    I didnt want to read and not

    I didnt want to read and not respond. My husband has done well, but he still has his moments when he gets sad about something. He never will be the same as before. We will never be the same as before. Things will always be different, but that is ok. It is the new normal, for all of us here. Things will get better for you. You will get the tube out, and you will eat again. Talk to us. Talk to your doctor, or maybe a therapist. You are in no way a failure. Everyone is different. Heck, I went on antidepressants when my husband got diagnosed...not him!  It just takes one day at a time. You will get there. Sending hugs, love and strength.

    Thank you

    I have started seeing a therapist and my doctor just wrote to me that she is increasing my antidepressant dosage, so hopefully these things will help. I appreciate all your love and support. 

  • Kari2007
    Kari2007 Member Posts: 108
    Sandraw said:

    Hi

    I understand. I'm about 2-3 months post treatment, just back to work this Monday and honestly doubt I could do it without a low dose ativan daily. My med oncologist put me on it at the very beginning and he said it helps with nsusea so he kept me on it during treatment. I told a friend recently, I don't know what's wrong with me, I should be celebrating NED!  And I'm just down alot. I have noticed working and staying busy helps if you have the energy, I remember having energy to fold clothes was a big thing after treatment. All I can say is its getting better for me, I just have to be patient, do what I can when I can and I've called my Doc about possibly getting an antidepressant. I hope when I can start getting more endurance for exercise, alot of these feelings I can work out maybe.

    Thank you for sharing your

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It's good to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. Having cancer and going through the treatment we did was life changing. I think getting an anti depressant from your doctor is a good idea. I've been on one for years, but called my doctor today to increase the dosage. I think exercise will be a huge help for me, too. I haven't gotten out there more than a few times here and there for walks and my doctor says regular exercise will help the fatigue (and the mood). Much love to you. 

  • Kari2007
    Kari2007 Member Posts: 108
    edited September 2016 #14

    I'm sorry to hear about your

    I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. We will never be the same no matter how hard we wish. I am just over 2 months post treatment, and although I can eat just about anything, my voice seems to be getting worse. I am having issues speaking coherently because I am so hoarse. And, of course, my tongue is tied down to the left, so combine the two, and I just don't want to speak at all.

    I can't imagine how difficult a feeding tube is, because I didn't have one. My biggest fear is a recurrence, losing more of my tongue, then being dependent on the tube for life.

    You're not alone. Everyone here says it can be a long time before things get better, and I'm seeing that now. So, hang in there. We have little choice.

    The fears about "what ifs"

    The fears about "what ifs" can be overwhelming. I struggle with that all of the time and so I feel your pain. Thank you for relating to mine. I hate how long this is taking to get to that "new normal," but you're right in that we're only along for the ride. Take care. 

  • Kari2007
    Kari2007 Member Posts: 108
    Fritz said:

    Sorry you are down.

    Kari:

    Please hang in there. We all have to deal with this. I am 7 weeks post treatment today and still wonder what my "new normal" will be. I hope to hell it is not where I am today. I still have inflamation all along where my neck dissection was performed. The base of my tongue burns where it was removed. I have to have water or milk or some type of beverage on hand any time I eat as my saliva production is not enough to wash food down. I still have mucous scars deep in my throat that just drive me crazy. I probably have not really had a good night's sleep since March. I could go on and on but you get the drift.

    So trust me, it is a long road but we have to hang in there. We have to accept the fact that we will probably never be the same as we were before. I hate that just as much as everyone on this site. But we can only control what we can control and that is our own attitude towards this miserable cancer. Keep your head up as the most important thing is that you are here to be with your daughter. Push through this time and hopefully all will get better emotionally for you.

    Freddie

    Thank you, Freddie, for your

    Thank you, Freddie, for your kindness and understanding. It's a hard road and easy to feel lost inside all the what ifs and why mes. I'd love a good night's sleep, too! I know I'm so early out of the gate. I guess patience isn't one of my virtues. Wink

  • Kari2007
    Kari2007 Member Posts: 108

    Kari

    You won't be the same person and you are not a failure...you completed one the most difficult cancer treatments...you will be stronger...you are a cancer survivor!!  Try to stay in the day, tomorrow will take care of itself when it comes!  It isn't easy.. when you find yourself saying "what if" stop and look at what you've accomplished and say "well done."  I'm trying to look at the small ways I'm improving...whether it be a little less mucous, walking my dogs on the morning again, or being able to drink a shake instead of putting it in the tube.  I wish I had the right words to help you.  It will get better...I know it will!!  

    Joanne

    You've been such a huge

    You've been such a huge support to me, Joanne. Thank you! Looking at those small improvements is helpful. Even my docs say I can't measure it in huge sweeping improvements, but little by little. 

  • Kari2007
    Kari2007 Member Posts: 108
    Tmclaren said:

    struggling emotionally

    I was so depressed after my treatments I just did not handle things well .I was an emotional wreck felt like I was in the deepest darkest place that I could not get out of .It took me a while to get myself back on my feet.I got on an antidepressant and something for anxiety both of which I am still on after 3 years post treatment .I still have my days now but nothing like before .Dont be to hard on yourself this is one of the hardest hurdles we can go through in life it turns your whole world upside down at least it did mine .But it will get better it just takes time .I was positive I would never drive again and I was so sure I would never get of the feeding tube all of which Ive managed to do so I totally know how you feel .I will say I doubt I will ever feel like I did before as the treatments seemed to take a toll on me and I never seemed to gain the stamina i had before but everyone is different . I just look at it as this is my new normal .Trust me you will get there it just takes a while .I know exactly how you feel as I felt the same way.

    I so relate to what you've

    I so relate to what you've said and what your fears are. I have talked to my doctor about increasing my dosage of antidepressant, so I'm hoping this helps. I'm also hoping weaning off all the meds will improve my mood, as well. So much has happened to my body in the last several weeks, I guess it makes sense that my mind is healing, as well. They are connected. 

  • Kari2007
    Kari2007 Member Posts: 108
    edited September 2016 #18
    Grandmax4 said:

    It is what it is~~~

    November 2,2016~~~~5 years out!!!! I was so full of guilt when I first had my surgery and was starting recovery, look what I'd put my family through, my wonderful Dr. put me on an antidepresent, not an opiate, just a little something to take off the edge. I promise you, you will get better as time passes, maybe you won't do all the things you did, but, you will be you and you'll learn to adapt. You'll eat, you'll laugh' , you'll love~~just take one step at a time, at 2 1/2 weeks, I was still in the hospital, and would be 2 more times with aspiration problems...you're going to get better..I promise

    Thank you

    Thanks for the encouragement. My radiation nurse told me this post recovery period is the emotionally hardest for a lot of people. 

  • Kari2007
    Kari2007 Member Posts: 108
    edited September 2016 #19
    CivilMatt said:

    you have my strength and support

    Kari,

    The way you feel is just another of the unpopular side effects of treatment.  Remember, the most important thing that treatment took away from you was the cancer and as time (seems to) crawl along you will fall into your feel great, drive the car, play with your daughter and eat, eat, eat like any other normal person life.

    Things truly do turn around and this will be a memory.

    You are correct, many H&N members zip back into life and there is no competing with that.  I dare say you are doing better than some, be thankful.

    If you need help there are lots of meds which will take the edge off, don’t be afraid to ask.

    I have been in your shoes; my taste buds were mostly out to lunch for 7 months, but I am enjoying eating and that 7 months is way behind me.

    Get better,

    Matt

    Thanks, Matt

    You've always got great insight and wisdom. I need to really give myself a break and let things come as they will. Perhaps once I'm back in school and focused on something other than what's going on with my body, the time will move faster and I'll at least be distracted from the tedium of recovery. Part of it, I think, is just having hours and hours to ruminate on all the thoughts in my head.