It will be two years on Sunday...
On the 24th of this month 2014, I heard those numbing three words, "you have cancer". Three weeks after that my older brother called me crying and in a barely audible voice, he cried "dad has cancer". We both have/had lymphoma. Seventeen months later my father passed. In a few days it will be two years that I kept this horrible secret from my family. I never told them I have cancer.
Regrettably very soon I will be saying good by to my grandmother, bladder cancer.
On Friday I have a four month check up. My counts have alway been low neutropenic etc... for much of the time. I have been exhausted and only occasionally had massive night sweats. Sadly on vacation two weeks ago I had one, I could have rung out the mattress. What bothers me the most is recently I feel activity, buzzing feeling in my jaw where one of the lymph nodes was removed for a biopsy. Other than the feeling it's unremarkable. I felt this when my lymph node was growing two years ago.
I know I have to go for my check up but just don't want too....
I have never been nervous other than having my scans, maybe it's nothing and nonsense in my paranoid little head...
Comments
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downer
I am sorry to hear about your grandmother.
It is ok to be paranoid. With all of those "little" problems showing up I don't blame you for being nervous. I know you will go for your check up. They will most likely want to run some tests/scans. Hopefully it's just an infection. If not, well I'll hope that they caught what ever it is early.
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Indeedlindary said:downer
I am sorry to hear about your grandmother.
It is ok to be paranoid. With all of those "little" problems showing up I don't blame you for being nervous. I know you will go for your check up. They will most likely want to run some tests/scans. Hopefully it's just an infection. If not, well I'll hope that they caught what ever it is early.
as you may remember my onc hematologist is my dear friend (probably not a great idea but works for now). I talked to him about what's going on, he said to scan and I said no. I feel I know the result and would most likely I would do watch and wait until I'm more sysmtomatic. He did agree but he may muscle up in the appointment tomorrow. I don't think so but will soon find out.
I did have a bad infection but uncertain why my bad node is buzzing like a bee? Occasional night sweats??? I've only had a few like that.
Perhaps it's all in my head.
More importantly I'm so glad your counts went UP!!!! Little victories lead to big victories!
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VictoriesOO7 said:Indeed
as you may remember my onc hematologist is my dear friend (probably not a great idea but works for now). I talked to him about what's going on, he said to scan and I said no. I feel I know the result and would most likely I would do watch and wait until I'm more sysmtomatic. He did agree but he may muscle up in the appointment tomorrow. I don't think so but will soon find out.
I did have a bad infection but uncertain why my bad node is buzzing like a bee? Occasional night sweats??? I've only had a few like that.
Perhaps it's all in my head.
More importantly I'm so glad your counts went UP!!!! Little victories lead to big victories!
Hoping you have a victory tomorrow.
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AppointmentOO7 said:Indeed
as you may remember my onc hematologist is my dear friend (probably not a great idea but works for now). I talked to him about what's going on, he said to scan and I said no. I feel I know the result and would most likely I would do watch and wait until I'm more sysmtomatic. He did agree but he may muscle up in the appointment tomorrow. I don't think so but will soon find out.
I did have a bad infection but uncertain why my bad node is buzzing like a bee? Occasional night sweats??? I've only had a few like that.
Perhaps it's all in my head.
More importantly I'm so glad your counts went UP!!!! Little victories lead to big victories!
007, I am thinking of you today. I hope your appointment gives excellent results and you can put this out of your mind for a while. . .
Hugs,
Rocquie
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Thank you both!Rocquie said:Appointment
007, I am thinking of you today. I hope your appointment gives excellent results and you can put this out of your mind for a while. . .
Hugs,
Rocquie
As waited and waited to enter the examination room, I realized my biggest and only fear I have right now is "being found out". Weird even to me. Late last night I departed from my old bedroom, glanced back one more time to say good by in a pleasant, loving way to my grandmother (not wanting to scare her) and drove home. I cried and prayed, more like begged the Lord to allow me keep my secret. I have to protect my mom. I just need time, this has only been seven months since we lost my dad, her husband and now my grandmother is so close. I could see death trying to creep into my old room, it took all that I had to leave and drive home.
If I didn't have the appointment I could have stayed...
My ONC said I'm doing amazingly well and thinks I'm fine but ordered a MRI of my neck and jaw, I recently had a MRI of my brain so I'll grab that for comparison, ordered a mammogram and sonogram of left breast for next week. I'm still leukopenic and neutropenic so a few blood tests as well.
Call me crazy but I'm running with my ONC words "amazingly well" until I know differently. If I were a car, I would be running on empty.
I'm so tired, my jaw is buzzing meaning I can feel activity but I'm not thinking about it until I have too. What more can I do?
Thank you,
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Amazingly wellOO7 said:Thank you both!
As waited and waited to enter the examination room, I realized my biggest and only fear I have right now is "being found out". Weird even to me. Late last night I departed from my old bedroom, glanced back one more time to say good by in a pleasant, loving way to my grandmother (not wanting to scare her) and drove home. I cried and prayed, more like begged the Lord to allow me keep my secret. I have to protect my mom. I just need time, this has only been seven months since we lost my dad, her husband and now my grandmother is so close. I could see death trying to creep into my old room, it took all that I had to leave and drive home.
If I didn't have the appointment I could have stayed...
My ONC said I'm doing amazingly well and thinks I'm fine but ordered a MRI of my neck and jaw, I recently had a MRI of my brain so I'll grab that for comparison, ordered a mammogram and sonogram of left breast for next week. I'm still leukopenic and neutropenic so a few blood tests as well.
Call me crazy but I'm running with my ONC words "amazingly well" until I know differently. If I were a car, I would be running on empty.
I'm so tired, my jaw is buzzing meaning I can feel activity but I'm not thinking about it until I have too. What more can I do?
Thank you,
What a great phrase to hear. I with you about keeping that one in mind until you hear differently.
Keeping you in my prayers.
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That was my first thought
Onc said it was the lymphoma. At first he said treat with a blood product (because it's low), now won't consider it. I know it makes me more susceptible to infection but wonder if it makes it harder to fight the infection.
How can this be? I thought/hoped remission meant no complications until the beast shows its ugly face again....
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