sad and depressed.

Laura76
Laura76 Member Posts: 49

Cry

Today is five days since I had my seven holes in my abdomen , large lymph node and kidney taken out.

They only gave me pain meds for two days, so I'm really feeling the pain now.

Thought I was doing well,woke up feeling depressed and anxious this morning.

 

Last night I woke up having a full blown anxiety attack

I'm usually a Strong person so I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way.maybe it's normal? I'm scared and anxious about the biopsy report expected sometime in the next few days.maybe that's playing a part of it.

 

I just feel alone and scared.I feel like no one understands

 

nothing makes since, and I don't want to be going through this

 

«1

Comments

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181 Member
    I've watched

    dozens of people go through this over the last 3 years. The goal and plan is to stay strong and tough through it all. But for most of us it eventually hits home. We break down. And cry. We accept that maybe we aren't super heroes. You've done a good job getting to this point. So let it out. You'll feel better. And verbalize your feelings. Write them out and post them here. Even if there are not alot of responses, we will all share your load. It helps a lot. You can trust me on this one. And yes, demand more pain meds. that is why they make them. If the surgeon says no, get them from your pc.

  • icemantoo
    icemantoo Member Posts: 3,361 Member
    foxhd said:

    I've watched

    dozens of people go through this over the last 3 years. The goal and plan is to stay strong and tough through it all. But for most of us it eventually hits home. We break down. And cry. We accept that maybe we aren't super heroes. You've done a good job getting to this point. So let it out. You'll feel better. And verbalize your feelings. Write them out and post them here. Even if there are not alot of responses, we will all share your load. It helps a lot. You can trust me on this one. And yes, demand more pain meds. that is why they make them. If the surgeon says no, get them from your pc.

    Ditto

    Same thoughts as Fox. That first week can be hell. Things will get better, day by day, week by week.

    Icemantoo

  • Eims
    Eims Member Posts: 423
    at this point its like a

    at this point its like a rollercoaster ride....ups and downs but every day gets better and you are allowed have bad days when all this is over.....everyone here is fantastic and it helps to vent ....

     

    eims x

  • NanoSecond
    NanoSecond Member Posts: 653
    Ativan

    Laura,

    In addition to getting more pain meds please ask your doctor for a prescription for some Ativan.  This will help calm your anxiety attacks.

  • JoanneNH
    JoanneNH Member Posts: 115
    Laura:  Were you able to get

    Laura:  Were you able to get some more pain medication today?

    Sending good thoughts your way.  I went through the same just about a year ago.

  • todd121
    todd121 Member Posts: 1,448 Member
    I know how you feel

    And it's one of those rare occasions where the person saying it really does know how you feel!

    Feeling alone, scared, anxious? I've felt that. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes it's better. Sometimes I even forget about the cancer.

    But the bad times were pretty bad, I agree. I think just after the surgery and before the pathology came back was an especially rough time. I did ask for and got some Xanax and Ativan. I tried to only use them when the anxiety was so bad I couldn't sleep, and really tried not to take them every night. Once in a great while I would have a really bad attack and I might take one during the day. I found the most helpful thing to do was to type how I was feeling here, or write it in a journal, or call someone that could listen without criticizing or telling me what to do (I only have one person like that, my ex-wife). This all helped.

    I ordered Gerald White's meditation CD. Highly recommended. Gerald White is an RCC survivor who wrote a book and has a guided imagery guided meditation CD which is great. I'd listen to it every night as I was falling asleep. You can google for this. If you can't find it, let me know and I'll send you the link. I put the CD onto my iPhone so I could listen on planes, or in hotel rooms, or wherever I was. It helped me calm down and focus on good stuff. I've become a more serious pray-er this past year. I'm not a person that evangelizes and I probably have what most people that do that would say is a really odd/weird attitude and ideas about God (according to them, but not according to me). In fact, they'd probably say I'm heretical. Lol. Still, I pray.

    You're normal. This is stressful. You aren't alone. We're all right there with you in spirit and mindset if not physically.

    Hope something we've said helps.

    Wishing you healing,

    Todd

  • todd121 said:

    I know how you feel

    And it's one of those rare occasions where the person saying it really does know how you feel!

    Feeling alone, scared, anxious? I've felt that. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes it's better. Sometimes I even forget about the cancer.

    But the bad times were pretty bad, I agree. I think just after the surgery and before the pathology came back was an especially rough time. I did ask for and got some Xanax and Ativan. I tried to only use them when the anxiety was so bad I couldn't sleep, and really tried not to take them every night. Once in a great while I would have a really bad attack and I might take one during the day. I found the most helpful thing to do was to type how I was feeling here, or write it in a journal, or call someone that could listen without criticizing or telling me what to do (I only have one person like that, my ex-wife). This all helped.

    I ordered Gerald White's meditation CD. Highly recommended. Gerald White is an RCC survivor who wrote a book and has a guided imagery guided meditation CD which is great. I'd listen to it every night as I was falling asleep. You can google for this. If you can't find it, let me know and I'll send you the link. I put the CD onto my iPhone so I could listen on planes, or in hotel rooms, or wherever I was. It helped me calm down and focus on good stuff. I've become a more serious pray-er this past year. I'm not a person that evangelizes and I probably have what most people that do that would say is a really odd/weird attitude and ideas about God (according to them, but not according to me). In fact, they'd probably say I'm heretical. Lol. Still, I pray.

    You're normal. This is stressful. You aren't alone. We're all right there with you in spirit and mindset if not physically.

    Hope something we've said helps.

    Wishing you healing,

    Todd

    Hang in there, Laura. the

    Hang in there, Laura. the first few days to week after the operation are the worst.  My doctor gave me a week's worth of Vicodin, but it wasn't really doing anything for me, so I switched to Tylenol as recommended, and that did nothing too.  I called to ask if I could take Aleve, and they said that was OK, and I felt good taking 2 of those per day for 5-7 days.  Don't be shy about calling your doctor with questions.

  • aamdsi
    aamdsi Member Posts: 284
    Hold on!

    Although it feels like you are alone - we all have been through this.  It does get better! 

    You need to find something, even a teenie tiny thing, everyday that makes you smile.  Then work into, laugh and so forth.  None of us wanted to be here, but ...at least we are HERE now and on the road to being better.

    Get some more pain meds if you need them.  Stand up straight (best you can at this point and time) and go for awalk (saunter, lumber, stroll) outside (hopefully it's sunny there).

    "We" are all here for you.  I found this site to be so helpful in that sense.  I may never go a day/hour wihtout thinking of the C word, but at least here, people know what I am goin gthrough.  And they do for you. 

    Don't bottle it up! 

     

    Laurie

  • danbren2
    danbren2 Member Posts: 311
    aamdsi said:

    Hold on!

    Although it feels like you are alone - we all have been through this.  It does get better! 

    You need to find something, even a teenie tiny thing, everyday that makes you smile.  Then work into, laugh and so forth.  None of us wanted to be here, but ...at least we are HERE now and on the road to being better.

    Get some more pain meds if you need them.  Stand up straight (best you can at this point and time) and go for awalk (saunter, lumber, stroll) outside (hopefully it's sunny there).

    "We" are all here for you.  I found this site to be so helpful in that sense.  I may never go a day/hour wihtout thinking of the C word, but at least here, people know what I am goin gthrough.  And they do for you. 

    Don't bottle it up! 

     

    Laurie

    It will be ok!

    Laura,

         Things may seem really scary right now but you will get stronger.  I think I went through being scared to death, then the why me syndrome, then mad, and now just wanting to fight with all my might not to let the "C" word restrict my living!  I have been fighting it for three years and I can tell you, I still think about it every day, and I still get upset when it comes times for my scans, but I am very happy to be here and I am living life with a whole different outlook now, and it is really fantastic!

       Please come here and let us know how you are feeling.  We will always be here for you! Sending you strength and hugs!

                                                           Prayers of good health!

                                                            Brenda

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181 Member
    danbren2 said:

    It will be ok!

    Laura,

         Things may seem really scary right now but you will get stronger.  I think I went through being scared to death, then the why me syndrome, then mad, and now just wanting to fight with all my might not to let the "C" word restrict my living!  I have been fighting it for three years and I can tell you, I still think about it every day, and I still get upset when it comes times for my scans, but I am very happy to be here and I am living life with a whole different outlook now, and it is really fantastic!

       Please come here and let us know how you are feeling.  We will always be here for you! Sending you strength and hugs!

                                                           Prayers of good health!

                                                            Brenda

    it's like

    having that song stuck in your head and you can't get it out. Right? The c word is there every day.

  • Jojo61
    Jojo61 Member Posts: 1,309 Member
    foxhd said:

    it's like

    having that song stuck in your head and you can't get it out. Right? The c word is there every day.

    Laura
    What you are feeling is

    Laura

    What you are feeling is perfectly normal. This is happening fast and it is difficult to process. We are here for you!!

    Hang tough, girl.

    Hugs

    Jojo

  • dhs1963
    dhs1963 Member Posts: 513
    Jojo61 said:

    Laura
    What you are feeling is

    Laura

    What you are feeling is perfectly normal. This is happening fast and it is difficult to process. We are here for you!!

    Hang tough, girl.

    Hugs

    Jojo

    The future

    Some point in the future...not sure when, you will wake up and think about your day.  You will think about your life plan.  I was there at 3 months out. And again at 2 years.  You wake up, you go about your life...you do your tasks...and, while you never forget about the big C, is is not the dominant thing in your life -- at least when you are NED.

     

    You start planning things where the next scans are just something on the schedule rather than a milestone where nothing goes after it. 

    Oh, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help.  Zoloft is your friend.

  • JoanneNH
    JoanneNH Member Posts: 115
    dhs1963 said:

    The future

    Some point in the future...not sure when, you will wake up and think about your day.  You will think about your life plan.  I was there at 3 months out. And again at 2 years.  You wake up, you go about your life...you do your tasks...and, while you never forget about the big C, is is not the dominant thing in your life -- at least when you are NED.

     

    You start planning things where the next scans are just something on the schedule rather than a milestone where nothing goes after it. 

    Oh, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help.  Zoloft is your friend.

    Laura may not yet know the

    Laura may not yet know the abbreviations.    NED is our goal.   NED = no evidence of disease.

  • twinthings
    twinthings Member Posts: 409
    danbren2 said:

    It will be ok!

    Laura,

         Things may seem really scary right now but you will get stronger.  I think I went through being scared to death, then the why me syndrome, then mad, and now just wanting to fight with all my might not to let the "C" word restrict my living!  I have been fighting it for three years and I can tell you, I still think about it every day, and I still get upset when it comes times for my scans, but I am very happy to be here and I am living life with a whole different outlook now, and it is really fantastic!

       Please come here and let us know how you are feeling.  We will always be here for you! Sending you strength and hugs!

                                                           Prayers of good health!

                                                            Brenda

    theme song

    Hi Laura, I hope you are feeling better today. 

    It's been said before but, I'll say it again, your fear and anxiety make you normal.  Everyone of us gets it, understands it and experiences it.  As Brenda so eloquently put it, the "why me syndrome" got me too.  It's easy to let your mind go there.  Actually, I think it just goes, I don't think we let it, at least, not initially.  Personally speaking, I could have wallered in self pity for the rest of my days and not gave a damn.  I had cancer and people with cancer die.  Mom, dad, grandparents, uncles, so really, what did it matter if I continued to waller if I was just going to die anyway?  Yeah, I'd say, like you, I was pretty sad, lonely and scared.  That was until I came here.  And for the first time ever, I saw people living with cancer.  I met people like Brenda who, despite her cancer, is one of the most graceful, positive, inspirational people ever.   She, along with so many others have demonstrated what it really means to be a fighter and a survivor.  It didn't take me long to realize, I will die someday, but not likely from RCC.  That said, my cancer was physically removed from my body but the doctors could not remove it from my mind.   So, I still feel like I'm living with cancer even tho technically, I'm not.  Like Fox said, it's like a song you just can't get out of your head.  I can tune it out at times but it never ever silences...it's always playing in the background.  The trick is to not let it become your theme song.  

    Anyway, please don't feel so isolated and alone.  The people on this board are an incredible source of support, full of wisdom and always ready to lend an ear.  I don't know if many of us have people in our real world that truly understands what we go thru, I know I don't.  The people here have most definitely saved my sanity and overall emotional well being.  Allow us to do the same for you.  In time, you will pay it forward and be someone else's source of strength. 

    Keep your chin up girl.  We are all here for ya.

    Sindy

     

  • NewDay
    NewDay Member Posts: 272

    theme song

    Hi Laura, I hope you are feeling better today. 

    It's been said before but, I'll say it again, your fear and anxiety make you normal.  Everyone of us gets it, understands it and experiences it.  As Brenda so eloquently put it, the "why me syndrome" got me too.  It's easy to let your mind go there.  Actually, I think it just goes, I don't think we let it, at least, not initially.  Personally speaking, I could have wallered in self pity for the rest of my days and not gave a damn.  I had cancer and people with cancer die.  Mom, dad, grandparents, uncles, so really, what did it matter if I continued to waller if I was just going to die anyway?  Yeah, I'd say, like you, I was pretty sad, lonely and scared.  That was until I came here.  And for the first time ever, I saw people living with cancer.  I met people like Brenda who, despite her cancer, is one of the most graceful, positive, inspirational people ever.   She, along with so many others have demonstrated what it really means to be a fighter and a survivor.  It didn't take me long to realize, I will die someday, but not likely from RCC.  That said, my cancer was physically removed from my body but the doctors could not remove it from my mind.   So, I still feel like I'm living with cancer even tho technically, I'm not.  Like Fox said, it's like a song you just can't get out of your head.  I can tune it out at times but it never ever silences...it's always playing in the background.  The trick is to not let it become your theme song.  

    Anyway, please don't feel so isolated and alone.  The people on this board are an incredible source of support, full of wisdom and always ready to lend an ear.  I don't know if many of us have people in our real world that truly understands what we go thru, I know I don't.  The people here have most definitely saved my sanity and overall emotional well being.  Allow us to do the same for you.  In time, you will pay it forward and be someone else's source of strength. 

    Keep your chin up girl.  We are all here for ya.

    Sindy

     

    Normal

    Hi Laura,

    I'm so sorry you had reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.  You are right.  Getting cancer makes no sense.  Actually, getting cancer sucks!  But, you will make it through this.  As has been said, you will ride a roller coaster of feelings and that is absolutely normal under the circumstances.

    I don't know why your doc only gave you 2 days of pain meds.  Please do call them and ask for more.  Also, do consider asking for something for anxiety, and if need be, something for depression.  It doesn't mean you are making a long term commitment to taking them.  Just allow yourself to do whatever is necessary to get through the intensity of the emotions you feel at the beginning of this journey.  Things will settle down in time.

    Hang in there.

    Kathy

  • Laura76
    Laura76 Member Posts: 49
    Eims said:

    at this point its like a

    at this point its like a rollercoaster ride....ups and downs but every day gets better and you are allowed have bad days when all this is over.....everyone here is fantastic and it helps to vent ....

     

    eims x

    Roller coaster is exactly

    Roller coaster is exactly what I'm feeling!!!

  • Laura76
    Laura76 Member Posts: 49
    JoanneNH said:

    Laura may not yet know the

    Laura may not yet know the abbreviations.    NED is our goal.   NED = no evidence of disease.

    Lol ty I was like who's

    Lol ty I was like who's that?? 

  • Laura76
    Laura76 Member Posts: 49
    foxhd said:

    I've watched

    dozens of people go through this over the last 3 years. The goal and plan is to stay strong and tough through it all. But for most of us it eventually hits home. We break down. And cry. We accept that maybe we aren't super heroes. You've done a good job getting to this point. So let it out. You'll feel better. And verbalize your feelings. Write them out and post them here. Even if there are not alot of responses, we will all share your load. It helps a lot. You can trust me on this one. And yes, demand more pain meds. that is why they make them. If the surgeon says no, get them from your pc.

    Wow thank you for your

    YellYell

    Wow thank you for your support!

     

    Feels good I'm not alone here.

     

    I did, I called the doc and he prescribed me some pain meds. It was the releasing nurse from the hospital that only gave me the two days worth, even my doctor said that didn't make since.

     

    Well, cancer WAS in my kidney and lymph node that was removed.

     

    My worst fear!

     

    Talk about roller coaster ride, yesterday I was uplifted, today I'm down.. hope this passes. I've never been a depressed person.

    Doctor said he is taking aggressive preventive care measures, said I'm young and I'm a rare case. not sure what that means.

     Said there's a team of doctors that get together every month to discuss cases and asked if he could bring my case up. I said yes. 

    The cancer was contained to the kidney and lymph node removed.

    Said surrounding areas were clear and looked good.

     Said he was confident they got it all...

    Thought that was common?? Why would he say rare?

     Question I'll ask at my follow up

     

     

    Might have to do some treatments to make sure nothing comes back or is there.

    So now it's an MRI in a week to make sure it isn't in my lungs. 

     

    now I have to worry more!! Never ending. 

     

    Thank you all for sharing, it really makes me feel un alone

     

    And it's nice talking to people who have been there and understands what I'm going through. Thank you and GOD bless.

     

     

     

    Praying they got it all! And NO MORE CANCER

     

    CANCER SUCKS!!!!!  

     

  • Laura76
    Laura76 Member Posts: 49
    foxhd said:

    I've watched

    dozens of people go through this over the last 3 years. The goal and plan is to stay strong and tough through it all. But for most of us it eventually hits home. We break down. And cry. We accept that maybe we aren't super heroes. You've done a good job getting to this point. So let it out. You'll feel better. And verbalize your feelings. Write them out and post them here. Even if there are not alot of responses, we will all share your load. It helps a lot. You can trust me on this one. And yes, demand more pain meds. that is why they make them. If the surgeon says no, get them from your pc.

    So there is hope for

    So there is hope for survival??

     

    I feel as if I'm doomed now because I had cancer

     

    I pray it's no where else......  

  • NewDay
    NewDay Member Posts: 272
    Laura76 said:

    Lol ty I was like who's

    Lol ty I was like who's that?? 

    Question about rare

    Good morning Laura,

    I'm guessing that the doctor's comment about your case being rare is probably because you are young.  It normally occurs at an older age.   How old are you?

    Did they only remove the one lymph node?

    When do you see the doctor for a follow-up?  Ask them for a copy of the pathology report when you go and then let us know the details of stage and grade and type (like clear cell or papillary or something).  It gives us a better picture of what you are facing.  It sounds like they must have the pathology report since they say that they have confirmed that it is cancer.

    You are still in shock from all of this so just accept that you are going to be going through a lot of emotions for a while.  Then, things will begin to settle down.  You may find that you need medication to help you through the emotions for a little while.

    I'm glad to hear that your doctor wants to take an aggressive approach.

    Where are you being treated and is your doctor an oncologist?  I believe that you need to see an RCC specialist.