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Not sure what's going on.

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 277
Joined: Aug 2008

So, i'm not sure what is going on.  as most of you know, my husband is at home and the oncologist has told him that he is dying - i have been taking care of him and working full time.  Last night i was very angry, tired and frustrated. I was yelling at everyone including him and my dog.  Both of them looked at me with such confusion in their eyes and it made my heart ache physcially.  I could not pull myself through it enough to tell them i was sorry, so i set him up for the night and went to bed without saying goodnight to anyone.  i am so angry and dissappointed with myself today.  I texted my husband this morning and apologized, but i don't feel as though it's enough.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Sandi

 

danker
Posts: 764
Joined: Apr 2012

Just take it a day at a time.  Be glad you have him for a while.  I have been watching my wife die of alzheimers for the last two years! Granted it isn't easy, but what else can we do?

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1325
Joined: Apr 2010

This is perfectly normal, don't beat yourself up too much over it.  Rick's mom once did something stupid and I yelled at him for it, and yes, I did feel miserable about it. But remember, you're going through a whole host of emotions right now; anger, sadness, fear, uncertainty, love of course, and heart ache.  There's only so much a person can take before they lose it every once in a while. Just give him lots of hugs and kisses tonight, and tell him that you're sorry and you love him, all will be forgiven.  :)

Take care of yourself, be strong, and you'll get through this.

Cynthia

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 277
Joined: Aug 2008

Thank you so much - i guess i'm just exhausted.  I want to take the best care of him as possible, but clearly i lack the experience to do so.

Sandi

 

esk2poo
Posts: 23
Joined: May 2012

I usually just lurk here but have been following your story and am so heartbroken. Don't beta yourself up too hard. It is a normal emotion to yell when upset and the one's we do it to are the one's closest to us. I too am from NJ and hope you and your husband find peace in the remaining time. I'm sure he knows how much you love him and do for him. I will continue to pray for you.

God bless,

Allen

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2288
Joined: Oct 2011

Nobody has the experience to be able to make it through this journey without mistakes.  Each passage is unique, and there are going to be hard moments at times.  I don't think it can be avoided.  When my stepmom was caring for my dad in the last couple of years of his life, she totally snapped at him a few times, and of course she felt terrible when she did, but we all understood.  When you are the primary caregiver for someone, it's exhausting and overwhelming.  No one can be perfect all the time under that kind of stress.

When you get home, give him a hug, apologize again, and forgive yourself.  You're in such a hard place right now, and it makes my heart hurt for both of you.

janderson1964's picture
janderson1964
Posts: 1769
Joined: Oct 2011

Its normal. My wife would get very angry especially when i had major surgeries. The last surgery we got into a big fight in the hospital room because she was angry that i was so doped up and out of it. I realize its not her or me it is just her way of dealing with the extreme stress and saddness that cancer brings into our lives.

Yolllmbs's picture
Yolllmbs
Posts: 215
Joined: May 2014

We are perfect human beings in very imperfect ways.  I'm so touched by your complete need/desire to care for your husband.  The stress level on you is HUGE.  You have to remember you're a human being with needs that can't always be set aside for someone else.  We love perfectly but react sometimes imperfectly.  That's the nature of the beast.  It's so much better to let that steam go and start over.  Heck... it's still a marriage with all of the good and bad things that come with that.  Your every day struggle has put so much pressure on you.  Just love... everything else will be just fine.  I'm sure he feels helpless wishing he could help you ...make things easier for you.  My love and prayers and admiration for a job well done!

Yolanda

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2316
Joined: Jan 2009

Oh Sandi,

I wish I could just give you a long hug right now and then step back and let you rage away.  After that I'd give you another hug.  I so understand where  you are coming from.  I have found myself very angry at times the past few weeks.  I have forced myself to get away a bit.  A walk, short bike ride or swim sometimes is just what I need.  Other times a good scream in the car.  We are here for you.  I am so sorry your husband and you are suffering so.  Huge hug to you.

Aloha,

Kathleen

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2988
Joined: Jan 2010

The stresses on our caregivers are tremendous.  It is magnified by the helpless feeling of wanting to make it all better and knowing that you can't.

Can you find someone to help you out an hour a day or even several times a week where you can leave home to decompress?  Being at work does not count, as it carries its own stressors.

Try to find a place where you feel safe letting out your emotions, be that yelling or tears.  Holding it in only guarantees an unexplained release like the one you describe.

Prayers for you both thru this difficult time.

Marie who loves kitties

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