My second time with breast cancer ,finished chemo going through radiation looking for support

ssb34
ssb34 Member Posts: 8

I guess the title says most of it. I thought I had beaten the beast, but my breast cancer returned. I was doing fine during chemo even though I didn't have the support of my hubby. I'm going through radiation again and I just can't get myself together. My husband is not supportive at all. He thinks he is. The only thing he does is hugs me when I cry. If I say I'm tired he says so am I. He expected my to make dinner the whole time through chemo and he is doing the same thing with radiation. I have developed somewhat of a backbone and told him that things are going to have to change. I feel stuck and alone. I looked for all of the support groups available at the hospital where I'm being treated but they only offer them once a month at a inconvenient time. I found about this site and thought it would help me. I really don't know how it works but I just know I need someone to be able to talk to that understands.

Comments

  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    Welcome

    But sorry you're here.  I found this site to be the best support I could have hoped for when I was going through treatment for breast cancer.  Folks who haven't traveled on our journey don't "get it".  We do.  Be strong and stand up when you're feeling ill.  The man won't starve to death.  He'll figure something out.  I hope you'll find the support you need here. 

    Hugs,

    Suzanne

  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    I am so sorry that your

    I am so sorry that your husband isn't supportive.  I don't know what your relationship was like before cancer?  Men often react so differently than women.  Mine went to work more the first time I was diagnosed (way back in 1987).  He is mostly supportive now - 27 years later...lol.  Sometimes though, he hears so many complaints from me (even though I don't mean to complain) that he kind of tunes it all out.  Then we both freak out if it turns out to be something bad.

    My hubbie responds best to lists.  It shouldn't be that way, but I guess it could be worse.  If I know I am having chemo and need extra support I may write down, "Please cook or get take-out for Tuesday.  Unload DW, etc."  I have to be really specific. Wink

    My cancer returned in 2005 in ribs and lung.  I had radiation and was started on zometa and arimidex.  By 2010, I was in remission.  In 2013, ribs and lung were still ok, but new cancer mets popped up in my liver.  I have been in remission for several months now.

    Take care of yourself!  I finally got into see a psychiatrist a month ago, because I had just about quit being able to sleep and was irritable and feeling manic.

    The psychiatrist asked about a zillion questions and then pronounced all of my problems were caused from IV steroids (which I have to take because I have a reaction to herceptin/perjeta otherwise).  Anyway, he has given me meds and I am sleeping, less irritable and anxious.  In short, cancer and all of our therapies and really hit us emotionally.  Don't hesitate to ask for help!!!

    Big hugs and I know you will find support here.  Hope you feel better soon and, again, I am so very sorry that you are fighting the beast again Cancer sucks!!!

  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member

    I am so sorry that your

    I am so sorry that your husband isn't supportive.  I don't know what your relationship was like before cancer?  Men often react so differently than women.  Mine went to work more the first time I was diagnosed (way back in 1987).  He is mostly supportive now - 27 years later...lol.  Sometimes though, he hears so many complaints from me (even though I don't mean to complain) that he kind of tunes it all out.  Then we both freak out if it turns out to be something bad.

    My hubbie responds best to lists.  It shouldn't be that way, but I guess it could be worse.  If I know I am having chemo and need extra support I may write down, "Please cook or get take-out for Tuesday.  Unload DW, etc."  I have to be really specific. Wink

    My cancer returned in 2005 in ribs and lung.  I had radiation and was started on zometa and arimidex.  By 2010, I was in remission.  In 2013, ribs and lung were still ok, but new cancer mets popped up in my liver.  I have been in remission for several months now.

    Take care of yourself!  I finally got into see a psychiatrist a month ago, because I had just about quit being able to sleep and was irritable and feeling manic.

    The psychiatrist asked about a zillion questions and then pronounced all of my problems were caused from IV steroids (which I have to take because I have a reaction to herceptin/perjeta otherwise).  Anyway, he has given me meds and I am sleeping, less irritable and anxious.  In short, cancer and all of our therapies and really hit us emotionally.  Don't hesitate to ask for help!!!

    Big hugs and I know you will find support here.  Hope you feel better soon and, again, I am so very sorry that you are fighting the beast again Cancer sucks!!!

    ahhhh .. You Strong Sister in PINK

    Sending you a very 'gentle' cyber hug!!!  here it goes  ...>>>>>...   The Journey is not an easy one for many of us - having to walk it for a second time is unimaginable...  I am so sorry.

    Please know that we have been here on our site (many of us) for years - offering support, love, and laughter.  We are here for you 24 hours a days,  7 days a week.

    Hoping for stronger health days, and less stress and frustration for you dear one.

    Strength, Courage and HOPE for a Cure.

    Vicki Sam

     

     

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    Hello...sorry your husband

    Hello...sorry your husband does GET IT....when we are super women and have to back down even a bit-people don't know how to handle things or us-

    I had hysterctomy 3 yrs ago-it was the first time I DID NOTHING..no cooking, I would order food to be delivered for ME! shocked myself doing that..but I did what I had to do for me.

    Have you tried a journal? support group? MY local cancer ctr had a great therapist!

     

    I"ll check back to see how you are doing..

    Denise

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    I am a postivie person, I

    I am a postivie person, I have  a great hubby but not when I am down and out of ill. ONE day  he said YOU have to be more POSITIVE!

     

    ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I worked full time-during radiation-did every day family things (cleaning, cooking,etc) never missed a beat ...

     

    LIKE mentioned above if you haven't dealt with it you have NO clue...they don't GET it and never will

    Pixe dust heading your way..YOU need to do what is best for YOU

    Denise

  • ssb34
    ssb34 Member Posts: 8

    Welcome

    But sorry you're here.  I found this site to be the best support I could have hoped for when I was going through treatment for breast cancer.  Folks who haven't traveled on our journey don't "get it".  We do.  Be strong and stand up when you're feeling ill.  The man won't starve to death.  He'll figure something out.  I hope you'll find the support you need here. 

    Hugs,

    Suzanne

    Thank you so much for your

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I will be back here often. Hugs to you

  • ssb34
    ssb34 Member Posts: 8

    Hello...sorry your husband

    Hello...sorry your husband does GET IT....when we are super women and have to back down even a bit-people don't know how to handle things or us-

    I had hysterctomy 3 yrs ago-it was the first time I DID NOTHING..no cooking, I would order food to be delivered for ME! shocked myself doing that..but I did what I had to do for me.

    Have you tried a journal? support group? MY local cancer ctr had a great therapist!

     

    I"ll check back to see how you are doing..

    Denise

    I started a journal in the

    I started a journal in the beginning but  for some reason I stopped. I think I will start again. I was always known to be a positive person and kept my positive attitude during chemo, I don't know what happened with radiation. I guess I got tired of the lack of support from my hubby. I wasn't prepared for the side effects to kick in so quickly this time. I also didn't think I was going to be getting radiation again. I was planning on getting my knee replacement surgery and moving on with my life and putting ALL this behind me. I'm glad I found this site again and know that I do have support 34/7. Hugs to all of you who have taken the time to be there for me. I'm sure I will be back.

  • ssb34
    ssb34 Member Posts: 8

    I am a postivie person, I

    I am a postivie person, I have  a great hubby but not when I am down and out of ill. ONE day  he said YOU have to be more POSITIVE!

     

    ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I worked full time-during radiation-did every day family things (cleaning, cooking,etc) never missed a beat ...

     

    LIKE mentioned above if you haven't dealt with it you have NO clue...they don't GET it and never will

    Pixe dust heading your way..YOU need to do what is best for YOU

    Denise

    Thanks Denise I WILL STAY

    Thanks Denise I WILL STAY POSITIVE!!!!! I also find going back to my meditation has been a great help. Oprah and Deepak Chopra have a great series on health and healing that can be downloaded to your computer or tablet and  listened to at any time. I'm going to be starting yoga as soon as my hubby shows me how to do the DVD player again lol

  • ssb34
    ssb34 Member Posts: 8
    VickiSam said:

    ahhhh .. You Strong Sister in PINK

    Sending you a very 'gentle' cyber hug!!!  here it goes  ...>>>>>...   The Journey is not an easy one for many of us - having to walk it for a second time is unimaginable...  I am so sorry.

    Please know that we have been here on our site (many of us) for years - offering support, love, and laughter.  We are here for you 24 hours a days,  7 days a week.

    Hoping for stronger health days, and less stress and frustration for you dear one.

    Strength, Courage and HOPE for a Cure.

    Vicki Sam

     

     

    Thank you!!!!!

    Laughing

    Laughing

    Laughing

    Laughing

    Thank you!!!!!

  • mommez24
    mommez24 Member Posts: 7
    In same boat

    Sorry husband isn't supportive mine isn't either.  He is over it with my disabilities & surgeries for other things.  I feel alone a lot too.

    my family I think doesn't think my cancer is big deal cause it's only stage 0 & my dad was diagnosed a week b4 me w/stage 3 lung cancer.   My lumpectomy is now mastectomy cause I have 3 cancer spots.  I've opted to do double.  I don't want to have to worry @ it coming back.  I suffer from depression & anxiety.  Lately I have been unmotivated to do my art stuff or anything else- I still feel scared & anxious cause when I stop premerin I get severely depressed so I can't even get out of bed.  Right now they r letting me take it again until surgery & we can find suitable substitute-dont need to b depressed any more than what would b normal.

    prayers & cheers for standing up for yourself-u go girl

     

  • ssb34
    ssb34 Member Posts: 8
    mommez24 said:

    In same boat

    Sorry husband isn't supportive mine isn't either.  He is over it with my disabilities & surgeries for other things.  I feel alone a lot too.

    my family I think doesn't think my cancer is big deal cause it's only stage 0 & my dad was diagnosed a week b4 me w/stage 3 lung cancer.   My lumpectomy is now mastectomy cause I have 3 cancer spots.  I've opted to do double.  I don't want to have to worry @ it coming back.  I suffer from depression & anxiety.  Lately I have been unmotivated to do my art stuff or anything else- I still feel scared & anxious cause when I stop premerin I get severely depressed so I can't even get out of bed.  Right now they r letting me take it again until surgery & we can find suitable substitute-dont need to b depressed any more than what would b normal.

    prayers & cheers for standing up for yourself-u go girl

     

    Over it

    I think you hit on something that I never thought of. I've had multiple illnesses that my hubby might just be over it. Instead of seeing my problems I'm having he might be seeing them as me complaining all the time and is just tuning me out like most husband's do. Someone else mentioned that they are so used to us as being super women that they forget that we have needs,especially now. I sound like I'm going back to my old spineless self again,but I'm a nurturer by nature. I was a nurse until the taxol gave me peripheral neuropathy in my hands and feet. He has been saying he's depressed lately,with a lot of stuff going on with his job,but we are acting more like roommates then a married couple. This has been going on and off between my surgeries and other illnesses. I have even thought about separating after I have my knee surgery,but then I think things will be different then. We can go back to the way things used to be.

    I'm also stressed out about paying for my Dads stay in the assisted living until his house sells. I have two brothers that are older than me and have much more money than I do and neither of them are helping me. I don't know if this helped you any but what you wrote really made me think. It also kept me from running down and making him dinner at the time it suits him instead of me,something else he doesn't understand I need to sleep in the evening before dinner. I told him to make it himself lol that went over like a fart in church. I hope I was able to help you because you were able to help me. Hugs to you!!!

  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    ssb34 said:

    Over it

    I think you hit on something that I never thought of. I've had multiple illnesses that my hubby might just be over it. Instead of seeing my problems I'm having he might be seeing them as me complaining all the time and is just tuning me out like most husband's do. Someone else mentioned that they are so used to us as being super women that they forget that we have needs,especially now. I sound like I'm going back to my old spineless self again,but I'm a nurturer by nature. I was a nurse until the taxol gave me peripheral neuropathy in my hands and feet. He has been saying he's depressed lately,with a lot of stuff going on with his job,but we are acting more like roommates then a married couple. This has been going on and off between my surgeries and other illnesses. I have even thought about separating after I have my knee surgery,but then I think things will be different then. We can go back to the way things used to be.

    I'm also stressed out about paying for my Dads stay in the assisted living until his house sells. I have two brothers that are older than me and have much more money than I do and neither of them are helping me. I don't know if this helped you any but what you wrote really made me think. It also kept me from running down and making him dinner at the time it suits him instead of me,something else he doesn't understand I need to sleep in the evening before dinner. I told him to make it himself lol that went over like a fart in church. I hope I was able to help you because you were able to help me. Hugs to you!!!

    They get tired of it, too

    My husband was very supportive while I was in active treatment.  He would do anything I asked him to - but I did have to ask him.  He's not all that proactive.  Oh, for the first time in 39 years of marriage, he brought me tea in bed the morning after my breast surgery.  The end.  Hasn't happened since, but I will always remember it.  He has always been good at taking care of himself, but then all of a sudden he also had me to take care of and he didn't have a clue.  Men don't like to not know what to do.  They like to be in charge.

      As I completed my treatments, the rest of the world thought I should be just fine and get on with my life.  But I was still living everything cancer.  I would express my fears and latest news about how some friends were reacting and he would listen without judging.  One day I was complaining about a couple of friends' reactions and he kindly told me "You know, we just get tired of hearing about it.  It's all you talk about".  He was kind but direct.    Had he said that during active treatmenst I don't know what I would have done (yes, I do, I would have cried), but I did need that honest (but kind) feedback when he finally said those words.  That was about 6 months after I was done with treatments. 

    Then less than a year ago hubby was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  I wanted to hover and take care of everything. I wanted to do for him what I wanted everyone to do for me.  His treatments were radiation and hormone deprivation shots.  I did accompany him for consults and first radiation, but he really did not want me to "take care of him".   He wanted to be in charge.   His needs were different from mine and his treatments were not at all incapacitating.  He drove himself to radiation every day (so did I most days).  He did not have surgery and so far, the hormone deprivation shots don't seem to have any side effects.  He's doing very well.   I do know he worries prior to PSA tests and doctor appointments just like we do.  I also know it will get better. 

    I have found it very enlightening to be both a patient in need of care and a caregiver.  I learned a few things.  One is that I have to tell my husband what I need without whining or deadlines.  I also learned that not everyone needs the same level of care and what they think they need is all they're able to give.  That proved true when he was diagnosed.     I needed tlc and for someone to understand.  I learned that no one who hasn't been there, understood and the best support that I found was right here.  Just reading about others' journeys was supportive and made my journey less frightening. 

    Hugs to all

    Suzanne

  • Pixie Dust
    Pixie Dust Member Posts: 424 Member
    Speak up and tell him what you think!!!!!!!

    I had a very supportive husband. He was there for me 100% all the way. Went with me everytime, anywhere, concerning my BC even if he had to miss work,His workplace let him do this with know pay. He did not expect me to do anything but stay in my recliner and when he would come home from work the first words that came out of his mouth was how are you doing and do I need anything. He did all of the cooking, laundry, going to grocery store and I was his first priority. I know how you feel after having chemo.I did not have radition. I was not able to do anything. I did good getting out of my recliner and going to the bathroom. I will tell you one thing, I would sit him down and give him a good talking to and if he did not like it show him where the front door is and then let the door hit him you know where while he was leaving, and tell him you will have his clothes packed the next day and he can pick them up outside. I bet he will think twice then before he walks out that door. Nonsence a women fighting for her life with BC going through something like this with their husband. Wishing you well!!!!!!!

  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member

    Speak up and tell him what you think!!!!!!!

    I had a very supportive husband. He was there for me 100% all the way. Went with me everytime, anywhere, concerning my BC even if he had to miss work,His workplace let him do this with know pay. He did not expect me to do anything but stay in my recliner and when he would come home from work the first words that came out of his mouth was how are you doing and do I need anything. He did all of the cooking, laundry, going to grocery store and I was his first priority. I know how you feel after having chemo.I did not have radition. I was not able to do anything. I did good getting out of my recliner and going to the bathroom. I will tell you one thing, I would sit him down and give him a good talking to and if he did not like it show him where the front door is and then let the door hit him you know where while he was leaving, and tell him you will have his clothes packed the next day and he can pick them up outside. I bet he will think twice then before he walks out that door. Nonsence a women fighting for her life with BC going through something like this with their husband. Wishing you well!!!!!!!

    Betty .. what a warming, and heart felt post

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us ..  Not all husbands are as kind, and supportive as your's.   Nice to see the other side of the coin.   Personally,  I share your experience as my hubby supported me -- others, not so much.

     

    Vicki Sam

     

     

  • cati0314
    cati0314 Member Posts: 203
    2nd time

    Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going through this again.  My heart goes out to you.  So far, I haven't had a recurrence bit I did go through chemo (neo adjuvent), bilateral, radiation for 6 weeks and hysterectomy.  Since I am a widow I didn't have a husband for support but did have one boyfriend for the surgery and another later on for deep gastric reconstruction.   Went to work every day I could, which was alot, especially during chemo and radiation.  My children were supportive but for the most part I came home alone in the evenings and went to work the next day.  It's hard to do this by yourself but when you have no choice it still has to happen.  Please sit down with your husband and tell him kindly what you need.  I wish the best for you that life has to offer, as do we all.

     

    Best,

    Cati

  • Pixie Dust
    Pixie Dust Member Posts: 424 Member
    YES, things need to change for you

    Please let us know how you are doing !!!!!    Hugs, Donna