Inspired By My Child to Live Again

carrieh
carrieh Member Posts: 146 Member
in Colorectal Cancer #1

I wanted to share this with you guys. Especially for anyone who just got an ostomy and is feeling down, or feels afraid because of cancer.

 

I was optimistic and hopeful concerning my cancer. The first colostomy was so hard for me. Then an ileostomy came, and then back to a colostomy; in the course of a year. I hid it well but I was feeling very sorry for myself. I couln't go anywhere I went to the bathroom so much. Had to get IV's for 8 hours a day, couldn't absorb nutrients etc.. I was 32 and had tied some of my self worth into the way I looked, without really being conscience of it. My ostomy was a surprise and I woke up from surgery, looked down and started screaming NO NO NO! WHY? I thought my life as I knew it was over.

Well one day, when I was feeling particularly unattractive, alone, and sad...I found a letter from my daughter in a little pink box that had been in my hospital room for friends and family to put letters and inspirational quotes in. I had never seen the letter;  It read:

Mommy,

I love you. I've missed you so much. I know you didn't want the (colostomy?) bag but at least you're okay and you don't hurt anymore. Believe it or not youre beautiful with or without your scars or the bag. And you say so yourself, it doesn't matter what you look like. You're loved for your insides, your personality, genorosity, kindness. And anyway you have a world of people that love you. (Here she lists everyone..) Lists her brother last and says...He's been missing you so much. He even told me he's homesick and how much he loves you. I love you. I'm not sure why this happened to you but everything happens for a reason. What if God made a choice between this or something later in your life that he knew you couldn't make it through (gotta love kids). There are negatives and positives to this.Youre not losing your hair or nails, you made it through cancer, and now you have another amazing story to tell. Honestly, you are the bravest, strongest, most gorgeous and amazing woman I think I'll ever meet. No matter what happens we're gonna make it through this. I promise. Love your daughter.

I have never...NOT ONCE...felt sorry for myself again. I started living again and shook that despair and sadness off easier than I imagined possible. My child made me realize that I MADE IT. I lived through the worst and my body was awesome! It got me through something life threatning. I loved it again. I would never judge someone else for a scar or twenty...an ostomy...or any physical imperfection...so I decided not to be so hard of myself.

Anyway, hope that helps someone or at least makes them smile. Kids are way smarter than grownups sometimes!Embarassed

Carrie

 

Comments

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,796 Member
    #2
    What a beautiful post

    Thank you so very much for sharing this wonderful letter from you daughter. What insight she had (and I'm sure still has). I am so glad that this changing point came into your life. I am glad that you found life worth living. 

    Why is it, that we can be so full of good advice and graciousness toward others, but come down hard on ourselves?

    we are allowed some sad times, some 'what ifs' and 'why me's', but make them short moments in the precious time that we are given. 

    Thank you again, for sharing. 

  • jen2012
    jen2012 Member Posts: 1,607 Member
    #3
    Wow, that is quite something.

    Wow, that is quite something.   It made me cry, I can just imagine how you felt.  You are raising an amazing girl..I'm sure you know how lucky you are.

  • marbleotis
    marbleotis Member Posts: 720 Member
    #4
    Beautiful

    Your daughter is very wise.

    cancer is not WHO we are - it is just what we had.................................

  • Helen321
    Helen321 Member Posts: 1,459 Member
    #5
    What a beautiful letter. Out

    What a beautiful letter. Out of the mouths of young people! Thank you for sharing, this is a really good idea! I went through a period of depression, self pity. I was totally freaked when I woke up with a permanent ostomy.   Here I was 43 and my body had just been changed drastically.   It seems to be the support of family that helps you to realize, life is not over, it's just different.  What snapped me out of it was a dinner date. I was sitting on the couch for three straight months depressed and feeling a kind of low I didn't know existed in the world. The first week I wanted to sleep without the bag, I hated showers, wouldn't look in the mirror, covered myself up so no one could see me. I wanted the stupid thing off my body. I didn't feel good about my body anymore. Then one night my sisters said we're going to dinner for Gloria's (my sister) birthday do you want to come? And I thought, well I should be okay if I just sit on a cushion. I went to that dinner, no one knew I had this ostomy. I was fine, I was laughing, I was in public having a good time like I always did, I went to the bathroom like I normally did.  For that moment in time, I forgot it was there.  It was the moment I realized that my life was not over, it was just different. Now the ostomy has not been an easy ride, it has moments where things go awry like when gas comes out in a very public place or when you eat something and it just shoots through your body like a freight train but most days, I forget I have it.   There are even times when I'm glad I have it. Like when we go on long car rides or when someone else says I can't hold it and someone is in the bathroom. I don't have that problem anymore. I also now have an extra 15-20 minutes daily for reading instead of being in the bathroom. 

    I discussed the bag with my family and their responses were so nonchalant. My husband said, so you go to the bathroom through the front instead of the back, so what. My kids said they were just glad I was alive.  

    Your daughter is one smart cookie.  We should listen to our kids a lot more, they are a reminder of how we should be living. I've been saying this a lot lately . . . . .Yeah life!

  • Lisa2012
    Lisa2012 Member Posts: 142
    #6
    Kids are great!

    Carrie,

    Thanks for posting.  I had the same surprise two years ago when I woke up after surgery, colostomy!   Not what I wanted or hoped for.  I decided That if it was going to be hanging around like a pet, I had better give it a name.  we call her Bertha.  My kids think I am funny, but it works for me!

    i am so happy to hear that your daughter was smart enough to write this lovely letter.  She obviously has a great Momma!

    lisa

  • marbleotis
    marbleotis Member Posts: 720 Member
    #7
    Lisa2012 said:

    Kids are great!

    Carrie,

    Thanks for posting.  I had the same surprise two years ago when I woke up after surgery, colostomy!   Not what I wanted or hoped for.  I decided That if it was going to be hanging around like a pet, I had better give it a name.  we call her Bertha.  My kids think I am funny, but it works for me!

    i am so happy to hear that your daughter was smart enough to write this lovely letter.  She obviously has a great Momma!

    lisa

    Coping skills

    It is funny what we do to cope,  I called the port "alien baby" since I lost so much weight it look like an alien through my chest and I called the take home chemo fanny pack - "side baby" because I wore it on the side like a holster.  So I had my alien baby and side baby,

    Humor helped me alot!  Still does

  • UncleBuddy
    UncleBuddy Member Posts: 1,019 Member
    #8
    Wow!

    You must be so proud of your daughter. What a beautiful young lady. I don't know you, but reading her letter to you made me cry. Thank you for sharing this letter with us.

    Lin

  • Eltina21
    Eltina21 Member Posts: 173 Member
    #9
    Your daughter is a true

    Your daughter is a true blessing and inspiration.

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