Apr 07, 2014 - 3:10 pm
I went in for my surgery to remove some growths and pigmented areas on my anal margin on Friday. Just before I was wheeled in to surgery, I had to sign the standard form they give you and at the top in big bold letters, it said "excision of carcinoma" something about seeing it in writing made it real to me. I started to cry and the nurse tried to reassure me and help me feel better. She was helpful but the ativan she gave me was even more helpful ;)
After the surgery, when I was in the recovery room, I could hear the nurse on the phone talking to someone about what room to put me in for the night ( I didn't have anyone that could stay with me for the 24 hrs after so they admitted me for the night) and she said the "C" word two times that I could hear.
The next morning, the surgical resident who was part of my procedure came to say hello and mentioned they'd taken "4 areas of concern"....great! can't just have one area of concern. Have to give me 4.
Since then, I'm just not sure how to react. My emotions are so up and down. I have a great support system of friends (although I wish they'd stop telling me stories about people they've known with cancer, since they all seem to die in those tales)
When I think about it and get scared, the tears start coming down hard. Then when I get myself together and calm down and do something enjoyable, I wonder if not thinking about it makes me in denial. I'm not sure if I should be "preparing" for something or just go day to day like I normally would (at least until my follow up appt where I find out if clear margins were achieved and if "treatment" is needed.)
I'm talking with a few guys who want to go out with me and I'm not sure if I should. One of them knows what's going on with me and last night he said he's been through this before. I thought he was going to tell me that he had cancer and was now doing well but nooooooo....it was a gf that had it and she passed away. Again, why do they tell me these things?!! :/
I'm just confused and don't know what to do with myself.
It's just such a strange feeling. I don't want to be overwhelmed about it but if I'm not then I think I'm not taking it seriously.