Mar 16, 2014 - 3:06 pm
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer going on 7 years ago. He died three weeks after diagnosis. He was my best friend, and the person I was closest to in the world. Although time does change things- I don't think about his death every day now- the hurt has never wavered and, if possible, is just as strong if not stronger than it was seven years ago. With every year that has passed since his death, I've noticed I'm less and less of the person I was, and who I am now is almost unrecognizable as my former self. I've tried talking to friends about it and the outcomes usually go one of two ways: either they seem uncomfortable and change the subject as tactfully as possible or they tell me how it'll eventually get better and I just need to hang in there. I've tried grief counseling so I could talk to someone about it, and I didn't feel like I benefitted from it.
It sounds silly, but the grief is almost like a form of PTSD. It has literally changed my life and the way I interact with people. I used to love to be social and in the spotlight. Now, I prefer silence and solitude. Over the last year I've become bitter and angry and I push people away. I put on a different "hat" to go to work, but once I'm off the clock, the walls go back up and I refuse to let anyone close.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?