CSN Login
Members Online: 4

rls67 ... grief

devotion10's picture
devotion10
Posts: 642
Joined: Jan 2010

What I have come to think about grief is that what you are feeling now, even though you feel terrible, is likely healthy and necessary. Bereavement is a long process that unfortunately cannot be finished quickly. 

I found that in the beginning and continuing for perhaps months is a kind of numbness, or as you said 'feeling like you are walking around in a daze'.  I think this will actually help you to accomplish certain practical tasks, and there will be a number of them, when you least want to do anything at all. It really does feel like being suspended in an unreal state of being at times but, that numbness can protect you from some of the stronger feelings that may come later when friends and family may not be quite as attentive as they are now.

If possible, try not to make any major decisions the first year after your wife's passing. You will eventually regain a more functional status, but for now ... I suggest letting yourself experience all the necessary sadness as some say that this will hasten your ability to function.  I can honestly tell you that nine months after losing my husband ... I am calmer, but I sill have terrible days. I accept this.  I have demanded that those around me not push me in any direction, decide the pace of my journey through my grief, or silence my need to talk about my deceased loved one.

Your children will likely feel more comfortable when you do ... but, that is not to say you need feel pressured. Seems they may benefit from honesty and a display of real emotion - they may not understand the depth of their own emotions if the adults around them are trying to hide the intensity of their feelings and move on too quickly.

I don't know the climate where you live ... but, Spring is coming and perhaps you have a small space to have a memorial garden in your yard that your children can help plant lovely flowers or vegetables. Even a small deck can have container pots with flowers that serve the same purpose. Maybe you could make a memorial stone to place somewhere as a tangible reminder of their mother. I know that it is going to be particularly hard for you to have the resonsibility of dealing with your own grief and also helping your children proceed though the mourning process. 

It sounds as if you have a spiritual foundation as you mentioned heaven in your previous post. Don't be surprised if your beliefs are tested and you need counseling from your church.  As I understand, it is a common feeling.

The fact is ... this is a time you need to be sad, sometimes very, very sad ... maybe so you can be happier in the future.

Keep coming to talk to us and share your emotions.  There are likely others with young children who have lost their partners who can share with you their challenges. Nothing is off limits here, except being unkind to others.:)

Peace. ~ Cynthia

Chelsea has kindly pointed out in her email below that your children may be older. I apologize, somehow I assumed they might be younger.

Chelsea71
Posts: 1168
Joined: Sep 2012

Cynthia, thank you for your post.  You offer good advice.  I found your words to be very helpful and very accurate in terms of what I've been experiencing.

 Steve has been gone 6.5 months and I sometimes find I'm feeling worse instead of better.  You're right, in the beginning a lot of attention was payed to me.  People were very sympathetic and eager to help in any way.  As time has passes, I find people less interested in me.  Their sympathy and understanding seem to have expired and there is a feeling that I should suck it up and move on.  I wish I could.  But as rls67 mentioned in a different post, he sees his wife everywhere and can't believe she's gone. I still feel this way.  Like I'm going to come home and find him on the couch watching The Young and the Restless (he really loved that show).  I guess bereavement really is a long process.  Although intended for rls67, I found your post to be helpful, as well.  So comforting to be amongst people who understand.  

People seem to be wondering about rls67's kids ages.  I seem to recall him stating that he has three.  One still in high school and the others in their twenties.  I'm sure having kids and grandkids motivates people in this situation to pull themselves together and move forward.  I kind of wish that Steve and I had had one.

Hope your hanging in there, rls67.

 

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2047
Joined: Oct 2009

I am so sorry for your loss and the horrible grief you are now feeling.  Just over a year ago, I was in the exact same spot as you.  Most days it will feel like a really bad dream.  Did this really happen.  Are they really gone.   For a very long time, I questioned the decisions I had to make those last few days of George's life.  I know in my head I did the right thing, made the right decisions, but my heart was so crushed, I doubted myself.  Then I questioned did I leave no stone unturned regarding treatment, is there something more I could have done.  It kept me awake nights.  It took a while for these doubts to ease.  I now know I did make the very best decisions from day one that I could have made.  So please, don't question yourself but if you do, please know that everyone goes through this phase.  

In a few weeks, everyone will get back to their usual lives, but your life has changed forever.   You will get advise, do this, do that, blah, blah, blah.  Just say thanks, then follow your heart.  Don't be in a  hurry to change things at home.  Someone told me the sooner you change things the better it will be.  I didn't take that advise.  In fact, it was just recently that I cleaned George's dresser and closet.  I found comfort (I know, sounds crazy) in seeing his things, touching his favorite shirt, baseball cap, and the like.   When you are ready, things will start to fall into place. 

Many of us were very lucky to have shared a large part of our lives with someone we loved and loved us back.  Our lives are now forever changed.   Will you smile and laugh again, yes.  Will the tears flow, oh yes.   Will the heartache ease, maybe a little, but I am not there yet.

Again, my sincere condolences.

Tina

rls67
Posts: 127
Joined: Nov 2012

Thank you for your advice and concern. I truly appreciate it. I am in a emotional state right now. When I am feeling a little better I will post. I just wanted to express my thanks to you Cynthia, you have been truly helpful the last couple of weeks. thank you very much.

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network