Feb 16, 2014 - 3:02 pm
What I have come to think about grief is that what you are feeling now, even though you feel terrible, is likely healthy and necessary. Bereavement is a long process that unfortunately cannot be finished quickly.
I found that in the beginning and continuing for perhaps months is a kind of numbness, or as you said 'feeling like you are walking around in a daze'. I think this will actually help you to accomplish certain practical tasks, and there will be a number of them, when you least want to do anything at all. It really does feel like being suspended in an unreal state of being at times but, that numbness can protect you from some of the stronger feelings that may come later when friends and family may not be quite as attentive as they are now.
If possible, try not to make any major decisions the first year after your wife's passing. You will eventually regain a more functional status, but for now ... I suggest letting yourself experience all the necessary sadness as some say that this will hasten your ability to function. I can honestly tell you that nine months after losing my husband ... I am calmer, but I sill have terrible days. I accept this. I have demanded that those around me not push me in any direction, decide the pace of my journey through my grief, or silence my need to talk about my deceased loved one.
Your children will likely feel more comfortable when you do ... but, that is not to say you need feel pressured. Seems they may benefit from honesty and a display of real emotion - they may not understand the depth of their own emotions if the adults around them are trying to hide the intensity of their feelings and move on too quickly.
I don't know the climate where you live ... but, Spring is coming and perhaps you have a small space to have a memorial garden in your yard that your children can help plant lovely flowers or vegetables. Even a small deck can have container pots with flowers that serve the same purpose. Maybe you could make a memorial stone to place somewhere as a tangible reminder of their mother. I know that it is going to be particularly hard for you to have the resonsibility of dealing with your own grief and also helping your children proceed though the mourning process.
It sounds as if you have a spiritual foundation as you mentioned heaven in your previous post. Don't be surprised if your beliefs are tested and you need counseling from your church. As I understand, it is a common feeling.
The fact is ... this is a time you need to be sad, sometimes very, very sad ... maybe so you can be happier in the future.
Keep coming to talk to us and share your emotions. There are likely others with young children who have lost their partners who can share with you their challenges. Nothing is off limits here, except being unkind to others.:)
Peace. ~ Cynthia
Chelsea has kindly pointed out in her email below that your children may be older. I apologize, somehow I assumed they might be younger.