Feb 03, 2014 - 8:15 pm
I have kind of dropped off the site for a while. Hope everyone is hanging in there. Two weeks ago I resigned from my job to take care of my mom full time and give my father a long overdue break and some emotional support.
On Wednesday the oncologist called me into his office (I already knew this was not going to be a good day) to tell me that mom's CEA levels have gone up and her colorectal cancer is spreading some more. Her last Petscan was in January. We have done all the treatments including Folfox and Folfiri. We are now on year three. With her being given a year as of last March 2013. She is currently on Oxaliplatin and he will be adding Avastin. He also informed me that this is pretty much all he has left in his arsenal. It was very upsetting. I have been pretty positive the past three years, but I had to tell this to both my mom and dad and it was so hard. I'm very fortunate that I have a real close knit group of friends to speak to, however it does not make "reality" any easier.
She is very weak, tired, in some discomfort (they prescibed something for that) and has been having these low grade fevers that come and go which I have been told is par for the course. I just feel a little lost. I have appointments to purchase a plot, went to the church to get an idea of what funerals cost. I know this is so premature but I have become so anxious that I need to have these things prepared. Maybe it's because I know I'm not strong enough to deal with it later.
I'm searching for positivity, maybe I am just in a funk.
I have to keep reminding myself she is still here and that is a blessing.
So why do I want to cry?
I feel that I have no right to wallow in self pitty when she has been so strong and calm (even though I know she is now a little scared).