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garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

 

 
 
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garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

 

SEX AT  73
I just took a
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at  73
I'm so happy, because I live at
number   71.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
And
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!
 
~~~~~

Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now,
but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your
call,
you are one of the
changes."
~~~~~

My wife and I had
words, but I didn't get to use
mine.

~~~~~
Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your
glasses.

~~~~~
Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without
forgetting.

~~~~~
The
irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going
anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before
woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~

I was
always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps
getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every
morning is the dawn of a new
error.
~~~~~
 

Aspire to inspire before
you expire.

 

 

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1218
Joined: Jan 2013

He's Baaaack...!!!    Those pictures do not show up for me.. booo....

 

Ron

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1901
Joined: Oct 2011

aren't you supposed to be working now? Don't get caught or you may lose your job in oh, about 1 day. You'll become poor and will have to ride your motorcycle to save on gas.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

Displaying mime-attachment.jpg

 

 

Alexandra's picture
Alexandra
Posts: 1209
Joined: Jul 2012

Since I was diagnosed with ED I discovered how interesting the world is: there are books, theaters, movies, parks...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I’ve watched so much porn that from time to time I see familiar faces on the public transit.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

-          Mom, my lips are chapped!

-          Told you, it’s winter, wear long johns

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I was young a genie offered me a choice: excellent memory or a giant penis. I no longer can remember what I chose.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A large icicle fell off the roof and killed the guy. The coroner at the morgue stopped for a minute to think about the cause of death, then smiled and wrote: “Springtime”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The guy is riding down in the elevator and mumbling:

Gemini? No

Virgo? No

Scorpio? No. I can’t remember what it was...

Stops on the ground floor, presses number 27 and rides back up.

Walks along the hallway, opens the door:

-          Doctor, what was that thing you told me?

-          Cancer, my friend, cancer…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Baby turtle is trying to climb up the palm tree, but failing. He is stubbornly clawing his way up, falls down, scratches his shell, falls down again, hurts his little tail, cries, starts climbing up again, breaks a nail on his little leg, with his last strength grabs onto the tree with his teeth, trying to pull himself up.

A pair of monkeys watches him.

-       I think, says one monkey, it’s time to tell our son that he is adopted.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two old women are walking home on the side of the rode from the hay field. Two bikers fly by them at high speed, one after another. Both have no heads.

“Are they making a movie here or something?” asks the first woman

The other one replies: “Maybe you should stay out of harm's way and carry your scythe on the other shoulder”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The lady has to walk home through the spooky cemetery at night and she is scared. She sees a guy, asks him to walk with her. They walk together; the man is telling hilarious jokes, the woman is laughing and tells him: “You are too funny!” The guy say: “That’s nothing, you should’ve seen me when I was alive…”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The patient is waking up after surgery.

-       Doctor I’m touching my legs and I can’t feel them

-       Don’t worry, it’s because we amputated your hands.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Surgeon specializing in transplants is cheering up his patient: “Just wait a little longer, New Year is near! Everyone will get drunk, start walking and driving around under influence. You know how many people will die! You will definitely get your new kidney!”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things you don’t want to hear on the operating table:

-       Wow!

-       Anyone seen my watch?

-       Why did I have to get so wasted yesterday?

-       Who ripped 5 pages out of the manual?

-       Give it back! Bad dog!!!

-       Oops! I think he already had children.

-       Hurry up! The game starts in 20 minutes

-       Nurse! Give me this…whatchamacallit… that thingie over there… forget it

-       If that was appendix, then what the hell is this?

-       Shit, not the power outage again!

-       Everyone back off! I lost a contact lens.

-       That’s OK, everyone learns from their mistakes

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The guy with a knife stuck in his back gets wheeled into the ER. The doctor asks:

-       Does it hurt?

Patient:

-       Only when I laugh.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 -       Doctor, will operation be under local or general anaesthesia ?

 

-       Patient, don’t be a smartass. Finish your second glass of vodka and crawl to the OR!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Quiet evening. The family is having tea and watching TV. Doorbell rings. Mother gets up to answer the door.

On the porch stands a large gloomy guy with 2 little coffins under his arms. He asks:

-       Have you sent your kids to the summer camp?

-       (Clutching at her chest) Aaaaaaaaaaah…oh God, no!!!

-       (Handing her little coffins) Here, they made presents for you in the wood shop

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The guy wakes up in the hospital room after surgery and asks his doctor:

-       Doctor, what happened to me? I have no memory. Was there an accident?

-       Yes, yesterday you were run over by a train.

-       So am I at the hospital?

-       Well, for the most part.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Voices in OR:

-       We are losing him! We are losing him! We lost him…

Voice from above:

-       It’s OK, we got him.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Surgeon is a well-armed therapist

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Viewing at the funeral home. A sweaty out-of-breath guy runs in, comes up to the casket and drops something in.

“What happened?” – asks another mourner.

“I’ve been all over town. Couldn’t find flowers anywhere. Got him a box of chocolates…”


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Stop yelling at me! You are impossible to please! I got you exactly what you asked for! How was I supposed to know that ladyfingers are pastry!

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

 Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol ! 
cid:B232FD3D008749BE88328BA43F349850@EA5E71A6DE4A4D9
 
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an "itsy bitsy shooter" by a woman facing a fierce predator.  What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? 


The 25 cal. Beretta Jetfire:
 

cid:241C87909AD44B828AB4606C683813D9@EA5E71A6DE4A4D9

Here's her story:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.  She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
 
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took. 
The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection.
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

  I was at my bank today; there was a short line. 

 

 There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying

 to exchange yen for dollars.  It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

 

 She asked the teller:

 "Why it change?  Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. 

  Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"


 

 The teller shrugged his shoulders and said:

  "Fluctuations." 

 

 The Asian lady says:

  "Fluc you white people too"

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

 

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

 

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

 

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

 

"This is incredible," said the first man.

 

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

 

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

 

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

 

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1901
Joined: Oct 2011

I may have posted this in the past. But so many new people so here goes...

A biker is sitting in Mcdonalds having lunch. He watches as an old man and his wife come in to the golden arches. She takes a seat next to the biker. Her husband goes up and orders the food. The biker watches as the old man opens the bag. First, he tears a napkin in half. He places one piece in front of him, and the other in front of her. Then he carefully cuts the burger in half. He puts one half on her napkin and the other on his. Then he separates the fries into 2 equal piles and gives her her share. He then pours the soda into 2 equal amounts and gives her her half. Seeing this the biker thinks they must be pretty poor. So he speaks up and says, "I would be honored if you let me buy each of you your own meal." The old woman says, "That is very kind of you but my husband and I share everything. So, no thank you." Thinking he now understands, the biker goes back to eating his meal. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches as the old man eats his half of the burger. Then his half of the fries. As he drinks his half of the soda, the biker notices that all the while the old lady is just sitting there not touching her half of the food. His curiosity starts getting the best of him so he leans over and asks the old lady,"I understand wanting to share your food, but why aren't you eating?" The old lady says, "I'm just waiting for my turn to use the teeth."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

 

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

cid:X.MA1.1360069478@aol.com

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

cid:X.MA2.1360069478@aol.com

2. The sport of choice for blue collar level employees is BOWLING.

cid:X.MA3.1360069478@aol.com

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

cid:X.MA4.1360069478@aol.com

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

cid:X.MA5.1360069478@aol.com

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And... 

cid:X.MA6.1360069478@aol.com

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


cid:X.MA7.1360069478@aol.comcid:X.MA8.1360069478@aol.comcid:X.MA9.1360069478@aol.comcid:X.MA10.1360069478@aol.comcid:X.MA11.1360069478@aol.comcid:X.MA12.1360069478@aol.com

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles. (More like BB's)

 

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1218
Joined: Jan 2013

So, this guy takes this gal out on a date to the local fair.  He is trying to show her a good time...  they stop off at the ring toss, do a few rides..  Then he asks her what she would like to do..  She replies..  "I want to get weighed.."  OK so he takes her to one of those scales that gives a fortune..  They then go on a few more rides.  He again asks what she would like to do next..  She says...  "I want to get weighed.."  OK so he repeats the scale routine. they do a few more rides and he asks a third time...  Her reply is the same.

OK the guy figures he is with a dud and takes her home...  Her sister asks if she had a good time...  Her reply....  Wousy..!!"

 

Ron

Eskimo lily's picture
Eskimo lily
Posts: 43
Joined: Aug 2013

Hahahahha, where do you guys get these from? They're hilarious! Definitely needed a laugh today. Thanks for sharing :) but I can't see the pictures either! This was funny translating back into Chinese for my mom :) she enjoyed it very much, I read some to her on our train ride back from our appointment with the radiation oncologist!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

The guys at the golf course asked me to name an actress I would like to be stuck with in an elevator.

 

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

 

I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot.

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed 
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
 music in women's breast implants. 

 
The iTit  will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
 women have always complained about men staring
 at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. 
~ Sam Snead

2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool..
 
~ George Brett
 

3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray

4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner

6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Wiese

9. Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered
.
~ Lord Robertson

11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny

12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan

13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus

14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H. G. Wells

15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham

16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope 

17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman

18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

 

NanoSecond's picture
NanoSecond
Posts: 527
Joined: Oct 2012

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!
 
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
 
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
  '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
 
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
 
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
 
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. 
 
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.  His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
 
 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1218
Joined: Jan 2013

OK, those of you old time rock fans.. remember Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen..?  Well here are my modified lyrics...  No Mama Mia here...

 

I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me.

He's just a poor boy from a poor family,

Spare him his life from this monstrosity,

 

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

No, we will not let you go. 

Will not elt you go

Will not let you go.

Never, never let youi go

No no no no no no no.

OH, DIARRHEA, DIARRHEA (DIARRHEA LET ME GO.)

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me....!  Sealed

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

This is mythical ans deep...Truly Beautiful...

 

A man asked an old American Indian what his wife's name was?

He replied "She is called Five Horses."

The man sais "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"

The old Indian replied "Its a very old and revered Indian name given only to those women proven most worthy."

"It means...

 

Wait for it...

 

"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.


Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.


If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.


Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.


Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.


The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.


Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.


Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.


The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.


Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.


The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.


Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.


The University of Alaska spans four time zones.


The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.


In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.


Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
 
  
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.


The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.


Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.


The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.


If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.


When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.


In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.


Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.


Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.


The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.


The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.


Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.


Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy ..


Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.


Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.


For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.


The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
 

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
 
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
 
They need to make their instructions to us older guys a little clearer.

 

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it 
********************

I had amnesia once---or twice 
********************
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. 
********************
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
********************
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. 
********************
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
 
********************
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. 
********************
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 
********************
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************
How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************
Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that  have a love for words, such as
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna  fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see  who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an 
Undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very  end.
 
 

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U. C. L. A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
... Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone;  it is two tired..
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
 
And the cream of the wretched crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The  salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly,  and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the  machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the  salesman withdrew his tender unit........
which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

There , now you know everything!

CommuterMom's picture
CommuterMom
Posts: 120
Joined: Jan 2014

I think my husband is a snail.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
At 71, Mrs. Murphy  went  to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger  doctors.  
 
 
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out  screaming as she ran down the hall.
 

An older Doctor stopped her and asked what  the problem was, and she told him her story.
 
After listening,  he had her sit  down and relax in another room.
 
 
The older doctor marched down  the hallway back  to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
 
 
"What the heck is the  matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded, "Mrs. Murphy is 71 years old, has  four grown children and seven grandchildren, and
you told her she was  pregnant?

 
 
"The younger doctor continued writing and  without looking up said,  "Well, does she still have the  hiccups?"

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT. 

 

 

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter and of course all of the lakes are frozen. 

These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. 

 

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. 

So out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. 

 

Our two Rocket Scientists afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, 
they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. 

 

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...? 

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it. The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse just as it hits the ice. 

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. 

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. 

 

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!! 

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. 

 

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end. He yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. 

Then KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM! 

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces. 

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.  And the owner still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. 

The dog is okay....doing fine. 

And you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.......

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:


1..Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2..Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3..Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4..Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5..Bozone( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6..Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8..Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9..Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one received extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
12.Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit yo u're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1..Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2..Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3..Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5..Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6..Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7...Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. (I looove this one!)
8..Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9..Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12..Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n.. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have
               sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
                   Having sexual relations with a male animal
                            is punishable by death.

                            (Like THAT makes sense.)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                 In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine
               a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
                directly at them during the examination. He may
                     only see their reflection in a mirror.

                       (Do they look different reversed?)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals
                 of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
                 The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
                  with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

                                   (A brick?)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                   The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia
                                is decapitation.

                        (Much worse than 'going blind!')

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                   There are men in Guam whose full-time job
                is to travel the countryside and deflower young
               virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
                             sex for the first time

                    Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
                        forbidden for virgins to marry.

                    (Let's just think for a minute; is there

                  any job anywhere else in the world that even
                             comes close to this?)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                   In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally
                  allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but
                      may only do so with her bare hands.

                The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
                      may be killed in any manner desired.

                                 (Ah! Justice!)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                  Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool ,
                 England    - but only in tropical fish stores.

                                (But of course!)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                   In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have
             sex with her husband, and the first time this happens,
              her mother must be in the room to witness the act..

                      (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

                               *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

               In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man
                   to have sex with a woman and her daughter
                               at the same time.

                 (I presume this was a big enough problem that
                          they had to pass this law?)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                  In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms
                   from vending machines with one exception:
                 Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
                machine only in places where alcoholic beverages
                   are sold for consumption on the premises.'

                       (Is this a great country or what?

                         Well... not as great as Guam!)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                   Banging your head against a wall uses 150
                               calories an hour.

                       (Who volunteers for these tests?)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                 The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
                 pull 30 times its own weight and always falls
                    over on its right side when intoxicated.

                     (From drinking little bottles of ???)

                  (Did our government pay for this research??)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                      Butterflies taste with their feet..

                                  (Ah, geez.)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                   An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

                        (I know some people like that.)

                              *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                          Starfish don't have brains.

                      (I know some people like that, too.)

                              *~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                            And, the best for last?

                    Turtles can breathe through their butts.

                (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

                        Thank you all for reading this.

           If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
Unfortunately for many, and for the world, 
 
it is only when you see a mosquito landing on
 
your testicles that you
 
realize that there is always a way to solve
 
problems without using violence ...
 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

US Army...We're proud of our privates!

KY Jelly...We can't think of any other uses for it either.

Hooked on Phonics...Helping kids read gooder.

Daisy Air Rifles...Keeping kids off your lawn since 1886!

Mary Kay...Like a cult, but without the animal sacrifice.

Dyslexia Society...Dyslexics Untie!

Las Vegas...Its only a gambling problem if you're losing!

Outback Steakhouse...There's plenty of room for God's creatures. Right next to the mashed potatoes.

Sushi...Still your best bet for intestinal worms.

Budwieser...Say no to drugs, that way you'll have more time to drink!

Exxon...Where are all the news crews when we're not spilling anything?

Hallmark...Face it, you'll never come up with anything clever on your own!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
An older man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
 
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
 
The officer then asked, "Really?  Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
 

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:  "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid  under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She just walked in."

 

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
 

 

Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind (probably always on time delay these days).

 

 
Feherty Quotes:
 
"It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group."

 

 

 

"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."

 

 

 

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."

 

 

 

"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week.  

 

He is attending the birth of his next wife."

 

 

 

Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

 

 

 

Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime -  

 

"VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

 

(Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)

 

 

 

"That's a great shot with that swing."

 

 

 

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

 

 

 

At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day.

 

The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."

 

 

 

"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."

 

 

 

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."

 

 

 

"That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".

 

 

 

 

Alexandra's picture
Alexandra
Posts: 1209
Joined: Jul 2012

The National Institute of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. 

 

The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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