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survived, now wants to die

gemini_star
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2014

Hello everyone,

I am hoping that someone can help. My husband was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008, he was only 23 when he was diagnosed. Its been a very long six years. We were only married for about three and a half prior to his diagnosis and most of that he spent in Afghanistan. When he came home he had PTSD and began having trouble with his breast. I knew that the symptoms were that of breast cancer because I worked as a nurse aide prior to our marriage. It took two years of going to the doctor on base...they told him there was nothing wrong, he was working out too hard, men can't get breast cancer. Finally it got to a point that they had to take us seriously. The biopsy showed stage 3 breast cancer. He had a mastectomy and chemo and they took lymphnodes to test, which came out negative. Our marriage was on the rocks prior to the diagnosis, partly because we were too young, the war, and ptsd. We both had our faults and screwed up some, so I do not put the blame on everything else, but I know they played a part. When he was diagnosed it was difficult but we worked through our problems, it kind of opened our eyes. 

When he got out of the military the va tossed him around, we couldnt get them to do more than schedule a mamogram. When he finally began seeing a doctor again the cancer had spread. He went through countless chemotherapies, radiation, hormone therapy. Today the cancer has spread to his lungs, hip, ribs, spine, skull, signs in his liver, and all of the lymphnodes in his chest. In oct 2012 the doctor gave him one year to live. In nov 2012 he ended up in the hospital for pneumonia and a bacterial infection. He happened to have a doctor who had previously been a oncologist. She changed his meds to an experimental medicine. It worked. For the first time the cancer was shrinking. Everywhere. Then the seizures started, he was diagnosed with epilepsy, I did cpr three times because he quit breathing and didnt have a pulse due to seizures. In Nov 2013 the doc listed his cancer as stable. Its not shrinking, but not growing either. If it stays the same he can live another 15 to 20 years. But then we were fighting the seizures.

In the mean time five family members between us died of cancer. Three of them we were very close to and one of them I hepled take care of, we both went to everyone of her treatments. She died two months before the doctor told him he had a year left to live. In the beginning I was working nearly 60 hrs a week, going to college and taking care of him and my grandmother. I stopped working when both their cancers got to a point where they needed constant care. When he started doing better I began to look for work, but before I found a job I broke my arm. I didnt have health insurance (because we used the money that we were planning on getting insurance with to fix the heater, then the roof in the bathroom, then the roof on the shop, and finally the AC again - see why I needed to go back to work).

Now to my point. The last year or so he keeps saying he just wants to die. He blames me for doing cpr, we talked about the dnr, he wanted to anything that could be done except life support. Now he wont eat, he wont get out of bed. Now I need help with physical care, I need him to help me with physical therapy. I cant cook or clean or work, except for small stuff. Were up to our eyeballs in bills, I cant physically do anything and all he says is that he wants to die that there's nothing left for him. In six years I've missed four doctors appts, Ive taken care of his every need. But, I dont know what to do anymore. I dont have anything left. Hes on antidepressants and has had counseling, they are not helping.

What do I do?   

Ennessims
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2014

I'm new to this online support group and I'm so sorry no one had any advice for you.  I'm in a different situation but my best advice for you is get help anywhere you can... friends, family, anyone that you can talk to or who may be willing to step in and allow you some breathing room to step away from your situation.  Help yourself first so you can help your husband.  In my lifetime I've known many, many people who are severely depressed for various reasons (myself included).  Depression is a slippery slope and once in that hole it is so very difficult to pull yourself out.  The only thing you can do for him emotionally is just be there for him but if he's putting you on a bad place emotionally, that is the time for you to walk away and take a break.  He sounds like he is angry with the hand dealt to him and he is lashing out at you as his outlet and he's given up. You're doing everything you can for him and I commend you for it!!  How long has he been on antidepressants?  They can take several months to start working but if it's been a long time, he may need either a higher dose or another kind.  I hope you see this, though it's been a few months, and that it helps in some small way :)

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