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Man am I angry!

alexinlv's picture
alexinlv
Posts: 188
Joined: Jul 2010

And sad and scared.  I hate cancer and I am so mad at cancer.  I am so sad for what cancer has done and will continue to do to so many.  I was able to read my husband's pet scan report.  It states a definite progression of disease from last scan.  Intense fdg uptake in lesions in liver and lungs. 3 new liver tumors one measuring 81 mm- 3 inches Since July   So I take this as lots of activity and growth going on and a need for intense chemo again. Sigh.  I am angry!! I am so sad.  Thank you for letting me Vent. Friends and family just don't get it or don't want to hear or believe it. My dad, who lives with us actually said, " I know you have colon cancer, right?" to my husband. 

fatbob2010's picture
fatbob2010
Posts: 372
Joined: May 2012

Thanks for the vent...all the words you said are what seem to be on my mind regularly as well.

This is truly one of the few places that we can vent to others who have had or are having similiar experiences.  

Harmony and peace to you.

Art

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 529
Joined: May 2011

 

Oh, Alex, I am angry and sad with you. Vent all you want. You will get through this, too. So glad your son is doing better.  Having him home this semester may be good for everyone. So wish you could have a break.  Be gentle with yourself. 

Hugs,

CM

UncleBuddy
Posts: 530
Joined: Aug 2013

I'm sorry that things don't look as good as you hoped at the moment. Have they said if they are going to try new chemo meds? 

I don't think a lot of people realize the emotional toll it takes on caregivers. You're trying to keep positive and keep looking for ways to be helpful, but sometimes you feel totally overwhelmed and want to go to the highest mountain and just scream! People surrounding you don't get it. Sometimes they think you're overreacting because they aren't as vested in the situation as you are. It's not an easy road for any of you. Please take a little time for yourself for your own mental health. Go get your nails done,  take a long walk, do something for yourself. You need to take care of yourself. I know it's hard because as mothers we always put others first, but if you don't take care of yourself, you will be no good to your family. We are here for you and I totally get what you're saying. My situation is a little different because it's my younger brother with the cancer (again)and he's intellectually disabled, but I get how overwhelming and emotional the situation is. Please take care of YOU!

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Lin (Uncle Buddy's Sisiter)

I am sorry that you're dealing with all of this! :(

rls67
Posts: 127
Joined: Nov 2012

You are not alone in your feelings. I to am a caregiver to my wife. It seems like nothing she has tried doesn't work. She went through all her chemo options available to her in a year. She is kras mutated, so her options are limited. She is back on folfiri, they took her off it in sept. but it seemed to slow the cancer the best. This disease is so unfair. All you can do is take it one day at a time.

Chelsea71
Posts: 1168
Joined: Sep 2012

One of the reasons I stay involved is to offer words of encouragement and support to other caregivers, such as you.  The problem is that often I just don't have any words.....All I can say is that I understand.  Steve's mets were in his liver/lungs, as well.  Your situation is very very difficult.  Possibly the worse thing life will throw at you.  But you will get through it.  Take it one moment at a time.  Try to find a little bit of enjoyment in every day.  Don't think ahead.  Focus on the quality of his time.  I hate to sound pessimistic but based on what I know about the liver, I think his tumors would return after a resection (providing you found a surgeon willing to do it).  Then there are still the lung spots.  I think he would go through all the stress of surgery only to have it return.  I understand why you hate chemo.  I hated it too.  "Chemo for life" is a hard way to live, for the patient and the caregiver.  It's just a really sucky situation.  You have every right to be angry.  I know what you mean about people not wanting to hear it and not believing it.  Throughout Steve's illness, at times I couldn't believe it myself.  This was not something that happened to us, only to other people.  Yesterday, I caught a glimpse of a picture of Steve and I realized I still can't believe it.  He died five months ago I still can't believe it that it happened.  Like it was a bad dream and I'm going to see him sitting on the couch, watching tv.  It's all just so crazy......

 

Sorry that you're going through this crap.  Stay strong.

ketziah35
Posts: 1143
Joined: Jun 2010

Let me just say I am sorry for your troubles, but I am seeing something in you that I went through as a caregiver.  This prompts me to ask the questions below.

is there anyway you can take a break? Maybe a weekend getaway with the girls to relax?

is there anyone that can help with taking your husband to treatments or sitting with him? Like some of his budies or church members.

What is something that you can do small for yourself daily and a little bigger once a week to give yourself a break?  Something that is independent of your son and husband.

No response is necessary, just something to ponder.

love

ktZ

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

I'm sorry to hear the bad news,but don't give up.I know relatives say stupid things.Just before my cousin died her mother,my aunt was saying that she was just faking it to get sympathy.Good luck,and feel free to vent any time.

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2184
Joined: Oct 2011

Facing recurrence is one of the toughest things we cancer folk (a category which includes caregivers, to my mind) have to get through.  There is no easy way to do it.  For myself, I had to allow a full expression of all the different emotions that I felt, no matter how negative those might be. Once I did that, I could move on to the "ok, now what?" phase of thinking and planning. But you're right that the people around us usually have a very hard time hearing it.  I hope you always feel free to come here and let us know how you're feeling.  We may not have any answers, but at least we get it.

'

How is your husband doing with this news?

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 337
Joined: Apr 2009

So sorry to hear how things don't seem to be going to the right direction, but give up just yet. These mean cancer cells are like parasites and they try hard to survive all the chemo avaiable, but I believe with strong faith, your husband will win! I wish you strength! Hang on!

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2283
Joined: Jan 2009

I am  very sorry that your family is suffering so.  I get the being angry part and at times find myself just raging as this horrible disease.   You remain in my prayers Alex as does your entire family.

Aloha

Kathleen

jen2012
Posts: 1188
Joined: Aug 2012

I'm sorry Alex - I really get the anger.   I can't get out of the anger stage myself and you've been at it longer.  You have too much going on right now and must be so overwhelmed.   

here4lfe
Posts: 294
Joined: Jan 2010

My wife somehow showed no external adverse effect from FOLFOX. So when my boss came by to bring her a cake, she looked at me like I was a liar, this woman can't be under chemotheraphy. I actually had to tell my wife not to look so cheery! I get your anger. Just remember, you have your husband now and that is all that matters. Let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.

Best

 

tanstaafl's picture
tanstaafl
Posts: 946
Joined: Oct 2010

Sorry about the progresssion.  Best wishes finding tools to push back with.

About dad. Usually I am oblivious to internal health issues for other people.  I can't tell if something doesn't show - skin, winded, posture, changes etc. Sometimes saying something without any visible indicators may sound more like rumors or pessimism.  Our protective mechanisms often times reject small clues or unreinforced statments.  

Like many, my wife is uncomfortable being tagged as a cancer patient.  At Thanksgiving, the kid who lives far away was shocked to hear my wife is still not cured, -able, battles her bloodwork, and probably greatly foreshortened (if you're having grandkids...things probably aren't forever) even though periodically procuring some of the treatment components.  

Caregivers have the advantage of the lab reports, scans, and having to help at the off times.  Without them, I couldn't tell.  In fact, usually  the doctors can't tell, without carefully showing them all the bloodwork.  The "can't tell - don't want to be pitied - they should be able to tell/know" problem goes on and on.

Maxiecat's picture
Maxiecat
Posts: 524
Joined: Jul 2012

i am so sorry...  You have very right to be angry at this cancer.

thxmiker's picture
thxmiker
Posts: 1202
Joined: Oct 2010

ANgry is normal!   Turn the angry in to determined!  This is a much better version of anger, and will aid to find the answers and health to fight against cancer.

 

Best Always,  mike

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 569
Joined: Apr 2011

anger is good, let it all out, scream holler cry. Sometimes anger recharges. I know, I have been on both sides of the spectrum. Caregiver for two husbands and a cancer patient myself.

but a break might be necessary, don't feel QUILTY when taking a day away.

a little distance for a day or two can recharge you.

many hugs, Marjan

tko683
Posts: 257
Joined: Aug 2011

I understand what you are feeling.  We are going through the same thing right now.  Words can't describe how horrible this cancer is.  It is heartbreaking watching our spouses suffer so much.  I hate cancer and it amazes me every day how clueless family members are.......they just don't get it!  I hope that they find a chemo that will work for your husband.  We are fighting with insurance companies right now for my husband to get chemotherapy.  If insurance approves it, he will either be put on Zaltrap or the regorafinab(pill?).  Keep us posted on your situation.  Sending positive thoughts to you and your family.  Blessings, Teri

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