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Living in fear/anxiety/depression...

emamei's picture
emamei
Posts: 144
Joined: Feb 2011

I celebrated several health milestones this year; September 17th marked three years from my Triple Negative Breast Cancer Diagnosis; March 31st marked two years from my last chemotherapy treatment, June 1st marked two years from the last of three breast cancer surgeries and August 15th marked two years from my last radiation treatment.  I have continued to remain cancer-free, although live with the constant reminders of this season of my life with chronic Lymphadema and painful neuropathy of my left arm and hand, as well as having three recurrences of Lymphadema related Sweet’s Syndrome.   I continue to be very closely monitored and tested ever three and six months by her GP and Oncologist.

I have a loving husband, Scott and three beautiful daughters.

Scott’s uncle, (mother’s side), died mid-May from a long, drawn-out battle with Stage 4 Cancer of Unknown Primary which infiltrated his entire lymphatic system.  One of Scott’s mother’s 1st cousin died 3 weeks later after a horrible battle with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer that was discovered quite by happenstance – she died within 6 weeks of diagnosis.  Scott’s older brother, Bruce, died September 5th after an amazingly courageous 16 year battle that included known and experimental treatments and three bone marrow transplants.  Then on December 22nd a very dear and special friend of ours passed away after her 18 month battle with Stage 4 Lung Cancer that quickly metastasized into her bones and lymphatic system (Lymphangitic metastatic disease).

 

If that wasn’t enough, Scott’s aunt Betty was diagnosed with cancer in her lady parts and underwent surgery (a full hysterectomy) in the fall.  Two other very close family friends are presently battling through cancer recurrences, one who is going through chemo and radiation simultaneously and the other who is having major surgery on January 21st and the odds are not in her favour.

 

I personally feel like I continually live under a dark malignancy of Cancer reminders, haunted and stalked by it.  I have persistent fear and anxiety and recently my psychiatrist added 10mg of Nortriptyline to the 200mg of Sertraline that I already take because I don’t sleep and when I do sleep, it’s not restful and is plagued with nightmares and PTSD related flash-backs.

I have suffered from Major Depression for years, but it has been much worse over the last three years.

Will there ever be a time that I can live free from fear?

Mary N.
Posts: 89
Joined: Jun 2013

I certainly hope that you will be able to live without fear at some time.  You have certainly gone through a lot things and they are sometimes very hard to deal with.  I'm happy you have the support of a loving husband and children.  i hear you and I also remember when I was at the deepest of my depression.  I couldn't see the beauty around me.  One day, I was walking slowly up my long driveway and the trees were skeletal and covered with snow and i just couldn't help but wonder if I would make it through the winter and then A BIRD SANG.  Somehow it got through my depression enough to allow me  to start to see and hear what was around me.  I still live knowing that I don't know what will happen but I can find joy in the day and hope that you will soon be able to also.  Blessings

 

Caradavin's picture
Caradavin
Posts: 27
Joined: Jan 2010

I don't know. I remember the time I found out that a woman who had been suffering the same cancer as I had a recurrence and ended up dying. My mother told me this and then told me that I had been given a second chance and to relish it. She was telling me this because I have been majorly depressed ever since I was diagnosed cancer free three years ago.  I have had Major Depression my entire life, but this is the worst it's ever been. Every time someone has cancer or dies from it, it is like a blaring headline saying so many things "It will come back and get you!" or "This person died and you are still alive, why are you wasting your life?!" or so many other stupid things that really have nothing to do with the person who died. I feel utterly selfish and yet I can't seem to shake this off. I think I am basically saying that I kind of understand what you mean and how you feel. Unfortunately, though, I have no solutions. I can only wish you the best and say that it's good you reached out because that helps somewhat in the short run. Keep reaching out.

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