This is my first post here, so thank you all for reading what I have to say.
I was diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma at the age of 15. I underwent 15 rounds of chemo and a surgery to replace most of my femur with a titanium internal prosthesis. The whole thing took about a year.
After I was done I had trouble returning to high school, as I would have panic attacks in class that left my unable to function well. I was also incredibly depressed, and I eventually got on a dose of zoloft and started seeing a counselor, which helped within a matter of months. I was eventually taken off the medication and able to enjoy school. I ended up getting my GED to save time, as my credits were behind, and I was able to go straight off to college.
Now I'm about to graduate college, and I've been struggling with more anxiety/depression for the past year and a half. I don't know what happened, but I know that it kicked back in when I started dating more. All my anxious triggers find their roots in chemotherapy. Throwing up in the morning due to nausea, losing my appetite, feelings of restlessness. I still cannot find it within myself to date comfortably, as I feel nobody understands these problems I have.
I also find that there is a subtle maturity difference between myself and the women I date, as well as many people around me who've never had a disease. Not that I've surpassed my peers, in fact I feel emotionally immature in a lot of ways compared to my friends, but there is a certain focus and perspective that I don't see in a lot of people I know. It sounds dark, and possibly egotistical, but I just get the feeling like many people around me don't know what true sadness is, and will never really know what it's like to have their lives shaken like mine was. I feel very alone in this respect, and I'm afraid it will be a burden I carry with me forever.
I am tired of being sick in my head like this. I'm afraid of things that shouldn't be frightening(classrooms, eating food in stressful settings), and can't envision myself being autonomously happy any time soon.
Has anybody else experienced this years down the road from childhood cancer? I'd feel better if I could talk to somebody with a similar experience.