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Anniversary

donnare
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2009

Today is the one year anniversary of my husband's death from colon cancer.  I am as devastated today as I was last year, although I am functioning like I am okay, and I am not really grateful or thankful for anything today.  I know that is not a good attitude; I know I have many blessings in my life and I have tried to spend this year focusing on them - some days I even succeeded.  But the truth is that today I resent losing my husband so young, resent going on without him, resent that he will not be here to walk his daughters down the aisle or see his grandchildren, resent that we will not grow old together, resent that everything and everyone I thought I knew so well all look so very different to me now, and in some cases, so very shallow.  I resent that I have to listen to stupid people - however well meaning - who have no clue what it is like to lose your spouse, give me advice about healing, moving on, moving forward, "getting over it" (like that is going to happen).  I resent that I have to sit at my sister's table today, with my shallow and uncaring brother and his family and friends.  I resent that the day was not about me and my daughters and a day to honor my husband's memory.  I resent their insensitivity. I resent that I have to pretend I'm okay to make others feel comfortable, because grief is such a misunderstood and uncomfortable issue in our society.  I resent the advice.  I resent the platitudes.  I resent having to reinvent my life at 56 years old.  I resent that I have to sell my home.  I resent that we were not savvy enough to have more insurance money so that the person who was left behind could at least have it easy financially - money can't heal a broken heart, but lack of it determines alot for the surviving spouse.  I resent that I can't find a job, and that I have to take a job for money, like so many others, instead of finding something that could possibly bring fulfillment to my broken heart and spirit.  I resent the people who ignore us, or who just disappeared after the funeral.  I resent the bitterness I feel, and I resent that I have to heal and move forward because I know I cannot live a whole and healthy life with this hardness in my heart.  

I honestly wish for a happy thanksgiving for everyone.  I honestly wish for peace in their hearts and minds and a grateful attitude for the blessings we all have - rationally speaking I know there is always something to be grateful for.  I honestly wish for a better world, free of pain and corruption and poverty and war and cancer and disease of all kinds.  But I just cannot access it today.  Today I can think of nothing but my husband's suffering, and his short life, and how incredible and sad it is that the world can just keep going on without his light in it.  I can think of nothing but my two girls who miss their father so much, and of myself and the hard future that appears ahead of me, and this awful, awful ache in my heart for my husband.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

These anniversary dates are really hard. Add to that Thanksgiving, and I'm sure that doesn't help. I am so sorry you are having a really tough time. I know, too, that there are no words that can help. I'm four years out and doing well. That doesn't mean I've gotten over it. I don't think that will ever happen. I have found peace, but it took more time than a year. A friend of mine who has been widowed for many years told me early on that it would take at least  three years. Another friend who just passed the year mark a couple of months ago told me she thought this year was harder than last year. Grief has no time table  I understand your resentment. I still feel that at times. That's ok. We are entitled to our feelings. Take care and know you are not alone. Fay

MrsJP
Posts: 157
Joined: Jan 2011

Sending you a cyber hug. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

JP

here4lfe
Posts: 295
Joined: Jan 2010

Yes, the anniversary is hard. And it doesn't get easier. Tomorrow will be 15 months for me, and every 30th I feel the pain and sadness. People who have not been in our situation don't know the crushing emptiness of widowhood. Just get through it, and pray for a better tomorrow.

Best

 

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2059
Joined: Oct 2009

I know.  I lost my husband George to colon cancer on October 29, 2012.  I remember you from the colon cancer board.  I, like you, look forward to almost nothing.  I am so tired of being so lonely.   Everyone goes on with their lives, smiling, happy, going out to dinner, normal everyday things and we are stuck in a life where nothing is normal.  We always held out hope that our loved one would beat the disease but so very, very few actually do, that is beat a Stage IV diagnosis of colon cancer.  Sure, we go about our business of every day life because we have to, not because we want to.   Many people may be insensitive because they simply don't understand, I have to come to realize they are not being mean, they just don't get it.  Going out to dinner with friends, did that once, won't do it again, odd man out is not for me.   Three couples and a single, just too uncomfortable.  People may ask are you dating?   Why are you still wearing your wedding rings?  Have you moved on ok?  You just smile and say you are doing okay when if the truth be told you want to punch their lights out.  I have no words of wisdom how to get through this, you just do what you have to and wake up the next day and do it all over again.   I correspond via e-mail and actual conversations with a few ladies from the colon cancer board who have also lost their significant others and talking to them does get you through the tougher days.   We all share the same thing, colon cancer won.  We have never met and are from different areas, New Hampshire, Ontario, Utah and Michigan, like myself, but for some odd reason I feel close to them for they understand.

Hang in there.

Tina (geotina from the board)

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1194
Joined: Apr 2009

Thanksgiving was always Ron's favorite cooking day as he prepared the turkey & I prepared the other things. This past Thursday was not Thanksgiving, simply another day like all others with the exception that my son & grandson had dinner with me. I couldn't face the thought of the turkey. I just cooked a ham.

I  am thankful for very little. The one thing I am thankful for is that my daughter, Johnnybegood, is still survivng after fighting the Beast for more than 5 years.

I too am lonely. Friends long gone, but I do have my children & grandchildren & we talk on the phone. And,of course, many of you here.

Luv,

Wolfen

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1161
Joined: May 2008

it will be going on 5 anniversarys with out my husband it still hurts

 

michelle

 

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

This is the place you need to be to let out all those feelings.  Just try not to be mad or shut out friends and family even if they say or do stupid things.  No one can really understand how you feel if they have not lost a spouse.  I had many friends and family members who loved me dearly but had no concept of what it is like to lose a spouse.  Not that any death is easy to take but when it's your partner that you have lived with daily and have been for many years (32 in my case), it leaves such a huge hole in your life.

I found myself trying to pretend and put on a good face for others after awhile because I felt like they expected me to be "over it" and I wasn't.  I finally owned up to the fact that I needed help and that in itself was a big step.  Always feel free to come here and express your feelings.

peace and love to you,

Debbie

Lisa0902
Posts: 3
Joined: Dec 2013

My husband is under hospice care and I know I will feel the same as you do. We are not financially set. So while trying to hold down a job, care for him. Not worry him about things I have to figure out how I am going to survive after he goes. My days should be filled with everything about him but I have so many other things getting in my way. The family and friends will disappear in no time too. I will resent immediately.

When you figure out how to get over this please let me know cause I don't think I'm going to survive it.

I wish you well.

 

Lisa

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1194
Joined: Apr 2009

I'm so sorry to hear that you all are faced with this. In all reality, there is no "getting over it", but somehow we do survive. I hope family & friends will not disappear, as you suspect. However, I know this happens in many instances. The loss of a spouse is very hard to comprehend for others who have not experienced it.

I lost the other half of my heart about 8 months ago. We had been married for 40+ years. So many things change for us, but I suppose one of the hardest things is the constant lonliness. We were not financially solvent & he had no life insurance, so I have had to learn to live a "hand to mouth" existence.

I do hope that something comes along such as a clinical trial or perhaps a new cancer center that can give you hope.

We will be here to help you. I also belong to an online group called Grief Healing Dicussion Groups, formerly run by Hospice until they cut back on funding, now moderated by two members of the group. In that group, many others  will also understand your fears & help in any way they can.

Luv,

Wolfen

here4lfe
Posts: 295
Joined: Jan 2010

It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and even now at 15 months I have bouts of despair. But you will keep breathing, keep getting up in the morning, and keep living.

For now, take care to say all you can while your husband still can.

Best

 

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