Nov 28, 2013 - 9:46 am
Today is the one year anniversary of my husband's death from colon cancer. I am as devastated today as I was last year, although I am functioning like I am okay, and I am not really grateful or thankful for anything today. I know that is not a good attitude; I know I have many blessings in my life and I have tried to spend this year focusing on them - some days I even succeeded. But the truth is that today I resent losing my husband so young, resent going on without him, resent that he will not be here to walk his daughters down the aisle or see his grandchildren, resent that we will not grow old together, resent that everything and everyone I thought I knew so well all look so very different to me now, and in some cases, so very shallow. I resent that I have to listen to stupid people - however well meaning - who have no clue what it is like to lose your spouse, give me advice about healing, moving on, moving forward, "getting over it" (like that is going to happen). I resent that I have to sit at my sister's table today, with my shallow and uncaring brother and his family and friends. I resent that the day was not about me and my daughters and a day to honor my husband's memory. I resent their insensitivity. I resent that I have to pretend I'm okay to make others feel comfortable, because grief is such a misunderstood and uncomfortable issue in our society. I resent the advice. I resent the platitudes. I resent having to reinvent my life at 56 years old. I resent that I have to sell my home. I resent that we were not savvy enough to have more insurance money so that the person who was left behind could at least have it easy financially - money can't heal a broken heart, but lack of it determines alot for the surviving spouse. I resent that I can't find a job, and that I have to take a job for money, like so many others, instead of finding something that could possibly bring fulfillment to my broken heart and spirit. I resent the people who ignore us, or who just disappeared after the funeral. I resent the bitterness I feel, and I resent that I have to heal and move forward because I know I cannot live a whole and healthy life with this hardness in my heart.
I honestly wish for a happy thanksgiving for everyone. I honestly wish for peace in their hearts and minds and a grateful attitude for the blessings we all have - rationally speaking I know there is always something to be grateful for. I honestly wish for a better world, free of pain and corruption and poverty and war and cancer and disease of all kinds. But I just cannot access it today. Today I can think of nothing but my husband's suffering, and his short life, and how incredible and sad it is that the world can just keep going on without his light in it. I can think of nothing but my two girls who miss their father so much, and of myself and the hard future that appears ahead of me, and this awful, awful ache in my heart for my husband.