Hi everyone. I'm brand new as of a few minutes ago and this is my first post. Its long and its pretty rambly but I needed to get it all out there. Thank you for welcoming me into your community. I'm glad a place like this exists.
My mom has been having severe headaches for about two months now. She'd take some medicine for it and then go about her day. She'd go to work, she'd watch TV, she'd be normal. When it started hurting her face and she was in obvious pain even to the people around her that didn't see her all that often she went to see a doctor. He said she had a sinus infection and sent her home with medication for it. That was a month ago.
When she finally called a doctor after having double vision on her way to work I thought maybe she'd had a mini stroke. And still she insisted on driving herself to the hospital after working for half a day. Cancer was never something that crossed my mind. Especially not in the brain. But when that doctor told her to get herself to the emergency room and she was admitted after they found a mass on her brain I spent that night searching online for what a mass was, hoping for an explanation other than the one I knew. That was Tuesday.
But it wasn't until she got home on Wednesday that I knew even how big it was. I knew it was cancer before she told me because when I asked the operator what floor she was on I was told oncology. My mom kept calling it a mass. Even last night, Wednesday, she kept calling it a mass and refusing to give it the name of cancer. I'm a worst case scenario type of person. I know what brain cancer can do because I've worked in hospice and seen people with it. I'm freaking out, on edge and feeling raw right now because I know all of this.
My mom won't give it the name. She's in denial and I know that she's trying to protect me. But she can't. I'm not a child, I'm 28, and though I'm afraid of losing my mom, I'm not afraid of going through this with her. She doesn't just have a mass, most of the top of her brain is covered with cancer. Like a hat. She smiled when we were talking about it last night. I wanted to go find the doctor that told her she had a sinus infection a month ago and scream at him. Its not his fault he didn't look closer and I don't even know if my mom told him enough that he would even think to consider cancer. But I'm angry at him for not knowing. And I'm angry at her for not going to the doctor sooner, even though I know that, because of the size of this cancerous layer covering her brain, it has likely been there for years.
The lymph nodes in her neck are also hard and swollen. Another thing that's been going on for at least a month. One of them was biopsied at the hospital. They did a barrage of tests and she'll find out just how bad it is when they call her in one to two weeks. Then she'll find out the risks and personal cost of chemo. She thinks it'll be like taking pills where she can go to work right after. I hope she's right but I've seen that it's not.
My mom is in her sixties and she's a good person. I know people say that about their parents all the time and though she doesn't have a nobel prize and didn't invent a new way to cure the common cold, she doesn't deserve this. I see people in the news getting life sentences for heinous crimes. They're the ones that should be suffering, not my mom. They get cable TV, hot meals, shelter, and a bed even though they murdered people or raped children. Its not fair and its not right and I'm so angry right now.
Today is Thanksgiving and I'm finding that I hate this time of year. My birthday is next month and two years ago my grandma died around it. Last year my uncle died at the beginning of December. I love my family and have an amazing fiance but I don't want to be cheery right now. Happy Holidays sounds so false and I can't stop crying long enough to say the words anyway.
I'm going to have to call my dad and grandparents today and tell them Happy Thanksgiving! I won't be telling them about my mom, not because I don't want to, but because she's said that she will tell my dad when she knows more in a few weeks. They aren't close anymore and haven't been since I was a child but he loved her, they were married, and he deserves to know. An omission as serious as this is still a lie and I'm not looking forward to lying to the people I love today.