Nov 25, 2013 - 11:14 pm
My husband was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. We're 33 and have no children. We were going to try next year but now with the chemo we can't. By the time he gets better, I'll be too old to have children. We were given information about freezing his sperm, but we only had two weeks from diagnosis to treatment. We couldn't come up with the $ we needed to pay for all the lab work/tests (our insurance didn't cover it).
I know I should be thinking about him and supporting him as his caregiver...but I'm just so damned angry. Our future is gone. We will never have a family. We were trying to get on better financial ground before we had children...now it doesn't matter because we can't have kids and we'll be bankrupt due to his medical bills. I'm mourning the family we'll never have. I didn't think I'd get pregnant if we tried anyway due to my advanced age, but damn it, we didn't even get to try!
I'm also mourning our sex life. It's over now. He's sick and I don't ever see him getting better. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way, but I'm the strong one in our relationship. I'm the tough one. If there was ever a zombie outbreak, I'd be the one in front of him, fighting the monsters. I don't know how he's going to get through this.
What am I supposed to do? I'm trying to be strong but I just want to scream and put my fist through a wall. We have no support system, we live 1000 miles from the nearest family member. Even if we lived close, they're too wrapped up in their lives to care. My husband tells me I should rely on my friends for support, but I know that no matter what they say they don't actually want to help. I get it, they've got their own stuff to deal with. Who wants to be around someone who is upset and miserable? Plus, late 20s - early 30s people don't know what it's like to realize they can't have children or that they'll never have sex again. They can't relate.
I know I'm selfish for thinking about me right now. I can't help it. I feel like I should be able to find a solution to this problem and I can't.