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I wish....

Miashelle1's picture
Miashelle1
Posts: 40
Joined: Aug 2013

I could deal with the emotional side of this a bit better. Some days I go about my work and life and feel great. Other days I am hit with the most awful depression about having to live my life with all these issues. I just wont plan anything beyond three months. There is no definate 'next year' anymore in case I have a recurence and need treatment. I have sqaushed so much into these last three months and now my 1st scans are looming in December I find myself dropping onto a hole again! Unable to funtion again .. crying .. nothing to say to anyone etc... Not fair to my family. I feel so sorry they have to deal with this.

Michelle x x x

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 2056
Joined: Oct 2011

Believe me and all of us who have done this a while. I for one have made plans for next summers motorcycle trips. I continue to exercise to return to good shape because it does matter. We may run into obstacles but we deal with them and move on. Let me tell you that after having had the IL-2 treatments, I have not conceded one inch. Who knows what will happen. I don't know how to tell someone how to not worry. I just know that there has to be a way that you can avoid negative thoughts and think only in positive thoughts. If I was told that I only had 3 months to live, I would be scared. But that has happened to me or you. Smell the roses.

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 1653
Joined: Jan 2010

Michelle,

Although your path report was not perfect many of our members would give up everth**** to have started with only a 6 cm tumor like yours.Even if their was a small issue with your scan it is likely to be minor since your tumor was much smaller than akmost all if not all of thise having a more difficult journey.  The odds are on your side. They do not get better because you worry.

 

It take a little luck and a positive attitude to stay Camcer free. 

 

Icemantoo

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 438
Joined: Feb 2009

It was hard to plan anything for fear of what the next scan would tell us.  And I remeber so well the anticipation of waiting for a result of "NED" and calling our best friend couple and announcing "We're going to Ireland with you."  Since that time, we've all been to Mexico together, and back to Ireland again.

There is no harm in saying you are depressed and that you are crying.  That all helps you relieve the stress of what your are experiencing.

I ask you to consider talking to your PC about an antidepressant to help you through this.  A couple of weeks ago at my cancer support group, we took a show of hands for those on some brand of antidepressant at some point in treatment- everyone raised his/her hand.  It's not healthy for you to feel miserable, and it impedes physical healing.  And at this point, I see that you need to focus a lot of energy on your physical recovery.

Time is on you side.  You will recover. You will get better.  Just make sure you believe it.

Best wishes.

Donna

todd121
Posts: 641
Joined: Dec 2012

It's been a year this week that they found my 7cm tumor and it'll be a year December 10th I had my right kidney removed. It has slowly been getting better.

What's helped me? I found I was having trouble talking to most friends and family. I could tell they were having trouble relating and had their own fears and worries that got in the way of listening. My work has good mental health insurance. For $25 copay I got as many sessions as I wanted with a therapist. I had to try a couple but I found one I liked and went 1-2 times a week for several weeks. I found a cancer survivors support group and a kidney cancer support group and went to those. I bought Gerald White's book, but more importantly than that I bought his CD and listened to it every night while falling asleep. It has visualization exercises on it for relaxing. I still listen to it sometimes while falling asleep.

It's still hard to plan for the future, but not as hard as it was a few months ago. I'm starting to feel like I'm facing the possibility of living for another 20-30 years. Lol. 5 weeks ago I had my last scans which showed no visible tumors.

Exercise has helped my depression. I've not been good about doing it all the time. I notice I feel better when I do it.

Best to you,

Todd

I am alive
Posts: 229
Joined: Jul 2012

I try not to think about the upcoming scans until a day before the scan....then the trick is not to dwell on scan results until the day of the doctor's appt. when he reveals the results. I figure why should I ruin my weekend, or weekworrying a about something that may not happen. But sometimes, despite all my efforts, I become a basket case right before scans. Not very pleasant to be around.  It doesnt get me anything, though, to fall prey to the worry and fear. Inevitably, I vow not to fall down the rabbit hole next time. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I do. But it does get easier to maintain balance the more scans you have. Practice makes perfect. You realize that one way or the other, life goes on. You will deal with whatever you need to deal with. There's no choice, really. But hey! I'm all for planning things for the future. It keeps me moving forward. Important to have things to look forward to. Really and truly important. So use some of your excess energy now dreaming up a trip or event or get together that will make you happy. Then make sure it happens. My husband actually does that for me. I call him my consierge. He's in charge of planning fun things to do that we both look forward to. Best therapy for the both of us! And we've racked up some really great times!

Miashelle1's picture
Miashelle1
Posts: 40
Joined: Aug 2013

For the kind positive words....today was a better daySmile

I am luckier than some ... just wish it had all never happened but, it has and I need to accept it.

Michelle x

danbren2's picture
danbren2
Posts: 202
Joined: May 2013

Michelle,

     You just need to smile, you are here! People get taken out everyday by accidents, and have no control, we have control! Make your life the best it can be, look up to those skies smile and say thank you! May be we are not perfect, but we sure as hell are not gone, and I for one and having the time of my life! My husband and I are looking at houseboats to move on, I have the most perfect family and grandchildren in the world! And the best, are the friends that I have right here on this sight! They keep me happy,we keep each other happy! If you want to take a little bit of down time, give yourself 15 minutes or so, but you get right back up and start smiling and being thankful for being here! We are all here for each other!  I am just loving being here for the holidays and can't wait to put that thanksgiving turkey in the oven on Thursday!  You make your family happy, show them how much you love them, don't let them see you sad, let them see you happy and how much it means to be with them!

                                                      Love and prayers for good health to us all!

                                                        Brenda

 

Djinnie's picture
Djinnie
Posts: 911
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi Michelle, I just want to wish you all the best with your up and coming scan, I am sure you will do fine! I am sorry to hear you feel you are unable to plan for your future. Sadly life does not come with any guarantee, if you think about it there never has been a definate tomorrow let alone next year. Try not to let cancer take a hold over your life, you could be free and clear from this moment on why waste precious time worrying about the what if's. This will eat away at you if you let it!

There is a great site in the UK called CANCERactive, they are based in Bedfordshire. They have masses of information and very sound advice for cancer sufferers. You can also get plenty of advice on what to do to improve your immune system to increase your chances of keeping a reoccurrence at bay. There are books by biochemist and doctor Chris Woollams on cancer and nutrition they are very informative. His daughter had cancer and he spent many years researching the best treatments, nutrition and supplements. You may have already made changes in your diet etc. but these may prove helpful in remaining proactive, they may help you to regain the feeling of having some control over your health and your life:)

 

All the best

 

Djinnie xx

Smitty65
Posts: 11
Joined: Nov 2013

I feel the exact same way.let's try to keep a positive attitude and we will get through this together. 

 

Smitty

srbelle1
Posts: 123
Joined: Jul 2013

22 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I remember feeling like there was no point in planning since I had been stripped of the future.

life went on and having young sons to raise got me through slowly; my friends planned life and assured themselves in a subtle way by knowing I was an A type and that was probably why I had gotten this disease. 

Slowly, i saw life differently and began seeing breast cancer as a gift; the future is an illusion and we, who have cancer, had that illusion shattered so we knew that life holds no promise and time is not within our control. We know that while others do not.

now, we are dealing with my husband and I am frightened again; I want him around for many more years, I want our grandchildren to know him, I want a 50th anniversary. So, now we are on the 3-month plan and I need to find that place again, where cancer is a gift. I know it will come but am not there yet.

Sarah

TillieSOK's picture
TillieSOK
Posts: 246
Joined: Jul 2013

Michelle, as I'm sitting here with my son, daughter in law, and five of my grandchildren, I'm feeling so blessed that I'm here for this day.  We've been on vacation for almost 3 weeks and damned if the doctors (who knew we were traveling) didn't manage to contact us! LOL  after the PET, I had an exhaustive MRI on my right femur, which they determined was NOT mets even though it lit up on the PET.  They called to schedule me for another CT scan on my chest, to tackle the "several" nodules in both of my lungs, upper areas.  This crap is NOT fair, but what are you going to do? I'm going to keep on keepin on!  I've been sick with an upper respiratory thing that has cost me my voice and turned me into a DayQuil addict for the past 2 days.  I even hallucinated the other night...saw a stuffed white rabbit next to my pillow!?!?! DayQuil/NyQuil is good stuff!  LOL Even with all this going on, and seeing ALL my grandkids during this trip, the first thing that hit me and has stayed with me, is...are these mets in my lungs?  I mean, I beat the odds on the thigh bone thing, what are the odds I'll beat them again on my lungs?  Or on my left kidney, where another spot lit up?  I guess I'll just deal with it and thank God or whatever higher power you all believe in, that I had THIS thanksgiving with my family and work like the devil to make sure I have NEXT Thanksgiving with all of them, too.  I know I've been rambling, and this might not even be the appropriate thread to post this is, but here it is.  If it doesn't "fit", sorry....I just felt talkative tonight, especially after the "is it worth the effort" thread.

tillie...stage 3a (quite possibly edging in on stage 4) grade 2

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 2056
Joined: Oct 2011

TillieSOK, I know what your talking about. I focus on how good I'm feeling and I don't want to think about what might be going on. I sometimes forget about the things I've been through. I've had a little stretch of no treatment and no scans, and just don't allow myself to think negatively. I guess that will come with the next scan. I also expect to be here next thanksiving.

Gordon Charles's picture
Gordon Charles
Posts: 91
Joined: Jun 2012

...... and then I didn't die....now what do I do??????  The mets are still in my lungs and skull...I've been on a couple different drugs and now a third... or is it fourth... does that count the IL2??  oh well... the disease is not sure if it wants to grow or shrink...and I've lost count of the people who have died since I was diagnosed and they had no idea it was coming....it's kind of a pain when the thought of no more responsibilities crops up...not much of a response to your post but I'll wager there are a few folks out there who might share the feeling...so the only thing left is to live 'till you die and you ain't dead yet !

Miashelle1's picture
Miashelle1
Posts: 40
Joined: Aug 2013

I can do this ...... all of your replies made me think in different ways. They give me hope and humble me. i am about to become a grandmother too and this just wasn't part of the plan .... I certainly do know it is worth it! I just hate the days when it brings me down. I had a call last night from my son inviting me to London to share the birth of my first grandchild. I can't put into words how touched I am by this as I have hung back trying not to intrude on them in what is a very special time. What a gift that is for me ... :) I  travel today and will let you know when the baby is born :) love and regards to you all. Michelle x x x

Miashelle1's picture
Miashelle1
Posts: 40
Joined: Aug 2013

We don't have Thanksgiving here but I wish you all a fine and peaceful one .. X

Gordon Charles's picture
Gordon Charles
Posts: 91
Joined: Jun 2012

I just took a closer look at your picture.... you have the courage to kiss a fish???? and a slimy one at that !  and you worry about a scan????  You have already demonstrated all the intestinal fortitude required to forge fearlessly ahead!

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 477
Joined: Oct 2013

Michelle,

How wonderful that your son has included you to share in the birth! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

And when I read everyone else's posts here, I am made even more aware of how strong and brave everyone is. You guys rock!!

Cheers!

Jojo

 

srbelle1
Posts: 123
Joined: Jul 2013

congrations on the grandbaby; we had our first a year ago and another due in early March; you are in for the delight of your life! It is indeed an honor to be included by your son and nothing prepares you for the first time you see him holding his baby.

when I saw my son carrying his daughter, he reached manhood status in my eyes and watching him this last year has been amazing; in the darkest days with my husband, that little one provided love and distraction.

let us know when the babe arrives. Sarah

Gordon Charles's picture
Gordon Charles
Posts: 91
Joined: Jun 2012

If you thought children were a blessing... you ain't seen nothing yet!!!!  There is nothing in the world like a grandchild.  I have four and their joy for life and innocence is amazing!   I have a favorite quote from an old US television show. "... never underestimate the power of grandfathers...(grandmothers too)... we were here before you and the grandchildren will be here after you.  We will make enemies, we will break laws... we will break bones, but you will NOT mess with the grandchildren!!!!"   It's a glorious club and on behalf of grandparents everywhere... WELCOME!!!There is no better way to live one day at a time than by reveling in the beauty of a grandchild!

TillieSOK's picture
TillieSOK
Posts: 246
Joined: Jul 2013

I've got to write that down somewhere!  We have 8...6 boys and 2 girls....I held the first one , grandson, before they had even wiped him off.  It was a mystical, spiritual event that I will never ever forget....dropped me to my knees!  Our oldest is almost 21 and our youngest is almost 4. They are magical creatures!!

mrs_blkjak's picture
mrs_blkjak
Posts: 92
Joined: Apr 2013

I'm not the one with cancer, my husband is. We've been missing from here for the last six weeks as they put him on chemo to see if this might be testicular cancer. It didnt work and we are back here with the original stage 4 rcc. Anyway, the emotional stuff is tough. I cope in a couple ways. First, when its really hard, I repeat over and over to myself "worrying doesn't change what's going to happen." It might sound weird, but it helps. Worrying just takes the joy from now. I also try to compartmentalize the bad feelings. I give myself small chunks of time that I'm allowed to feel sad or worry, then put it away. It doesn't always work, but it makes it more manageable. I find a hot shower in the evening to be a good place to get the bad feelings out. We have young children and I know they are taking their cues from us, so I need to be a good role model. 

I hope your scans are great. And I hope you can focus on the positives in your life until then. 

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