Nov 10, 2013 - 5:31 pm
So, yeah... this sucks. New to this site and new to cancer really. I am usually very well-written, but I am sure this will come across as a rambling stream of thoughts, for which i apologize. I just need to vent to people that I know will understand.
Well, today is Sunday 11/10. My mom is 72 and she was diagnosed w/ NHL these past few weeks. Tomorrow is the very first oncologist appt. It all started around Oct 1 when she felt very faint and weak. My parents just moved to Cape Cod from VA, where they've lived the past 20 years. She thought that the recent fatigue was due to the stress and exertion of the move. They moved to VA from CT back in 93. So after 20 years of them being so far away I was thrilled that the house finally sold so I took time off to help them move in. Not 4 weeks later, this all happens... I have been staying with them (because I can work remotely from anywhere) as we go through the Dr's visitis, PET scan, biopsy and constant fear and anxiety. I live in CT myself. I am 40 and married but my wife cannot be here with me because her job is not as flexible as mine.
Anyway, I am angry. I am scared and I am lonely. My mom never even lets the flu keep her down but this is just sapping everything she has. And she hasn't even begun treatment. We will find out what that is tomorrow. My uncle, her brother, died young @ age 43 in '87 of esophogial cancer. We all saw how horrific treatment was. He did everything he could to stay alive but nothing helped. I know and she knows that cancer treatment has come a long long way since 1987, heck even since 2008, but its hard not to feel terrified. Its hard to be here and be the ROCK for my mom and my dad when even as I type this all I want to do is cry and scream and choke the world for being so cruel. I try to remember that others on this earth have had it far far worse than my Mom and myself and everything, but it still feels incredibly unfair. All she has wanted since the reason for residing in VA no longer existed, was to move to the Cape and be near family (which we have a lot fof on the Cape, but I am 200 miles away in CT - a quick drive really compared with going to VA). So we finally can be close again and now this.
Some lymphoma info: So far all we know is it was first detected on her kidney in early October but the PET scan showed (and I saw it - wish i hadn't) that it was likely lymphoma - and wow there were a lot of spots with it in her chest and abdomen area. Her PCP confirmed is is B-Cell NHL. Thats all we know so far. I am guessing we will learn tomorrow that it is DLBCL from what I have been reading these past few weeks.
Does it always take this long to have your first oncologist appt? Seems like we've been waiting forever. PET scan was Oct 24... Her PCP did tell her that the chemo regimen was going to be R-CHOP. Sounds like a really awful treatment. She already has no energy or appetite. It kills me to see her like this and treatment hasn't even begun yet!!!
I don't know where I am going with all this. I am just terrified and needed to express myself somehow.
Thanks for reading and I welcome any feedback at all. Good luck to all of you.