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Off Topic......how cancer effects more than the patient

eihtak
Posts: 849
Joined: Oct 2011

Hi friends, I have been out of town helping my dad (83yrs) with some things. He has had some urinary concerns so went to see a urologist. More tests are needed but upon initial exam it appears that a recurrance of cancer related to his prostate is causing his issues. 20 years ago he had his prostate removed for cancer and has been doing great until recently.  Never in my life have I seen a deeper love then that of my parents, and when my mom died eight years ago so did a part of my father, yet he has patiently continued to live a just life.  My brother on the other hand (50yrs) has still not come to terms with the loss of my mom to ovarian cancer 8 yrs ago.  They were close, as is my whole family.  He is a business executive with huge resposibilities and well compensated for his hard work, along with being the kindest most sensitive brother I could have.  But, between my mom, myself and husband, and now my dad he seems unable to function without alcohol to numb him.  He is unable to see how his life is spinning out of control over the past year and although admits he may have a problem, he is not ready to make any changes.  I am so sad that not only will something awful happen to him, he will miss out on precious time with our father and later regret it.  My dad, took his recent news with a calm, almost relief, that he would consider whatever treatment made the most sense for a man his age, but also a sense of comfort that he is just that much closer to seeing my mom again.

Sorry for the vent.....just thinking how sad it is that this disease has to have such fallout on others.

Be well!

Marynb
Posts: 1134
Joined: Aug 2012

Eihtak, your family has certainly been hit hard by this dreadful disease. So many in your family have battled cancer! I marvel at your strength and courage! You are amazing. I am sorry for your brother that he is handling his grief with alcohol. I hope he gets help soon. You all need him to be well.
I am also sorry that you are facing the loss of your Dad. He sounds like he has led a wonderful life! My Mom died before my Dad did and he missed her every day that he lived without her. They were married 57 years! I take solace knowing that they are together now, though I miss them very much everyday. I do understand how your Dad feels.
Stay strong and enjoy your Dad. What a wonderful daughter you are to take care of him!

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 2939
Joined: Jan 2010

My heart hurts for you.  It has to be very difficult to see your father having to deal with cancer again, although it sounds as if he has accepted it and will choose treatment that will be the best for him, all things considered.  As for your brother, it is sad that he seems to have turned to alcohol to numb himself from the realities going on in his life.  I hope something will spur him to seek help, as both you and your dad need him.

My family is not close like yours.  My brother and I rarely talk to each other on the phone and when I go up to visit my mom, he makes no effort to come see me.  Since my mom has dementia and can't remember when someone comes to visit her, I have no idea how often he goes to see her.  If I ask him about it, he gets defensive--like I'm checking up on him.  It seems to me that he is not handling her situation very well.  Anyway, I can, in some ways, relate to how your brother seems to need to distance himself from family issues.  It's difficult and sad.  Cancer and other life-changing diseases that happen to our loved ones can certainly have an effect on the whole family.   

qv62
Posts: 280
Joined: Nov 2012

keeping good thoughts and prayers for you and your family

sandysp's picture
sandysp
Posts: 803
Joined: May 2011

Thanks for writing to us about your family and this illness. I could tell it was healing for you. We just lost our 92 year old neighbor to Prostate Cancer even though they said that would not be what would kill him as he was too old. It spread to his bones and liver. He knew he was dying and did it with great dignity. It was hard for us in the neighborhood to hear him say "I'm dying". We wanted him to fight but he just knew and he was gone within a couple of months.

Ask your father's doctor to put him in hospice. I had to advocate for our neighbor to his primary caretaker to ask for him to have hospice services. Most people go into hospice too late. It provides much comfort to those who are ready to go home to Jordan, so to speak. He was only in hospice for a couple of weeks. He suffered more than he should have.

God bless your family.

Sincerely,

Sandy

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