Oct 29, 2013 - 4:30 pm
May 23rd 2013 2nd worse day of my life. That is the day my Mom's Dr. called me to give me the news they had found cancerous cells in her Pancreas. It took me a week to digest the news and finally tell my dad and brother. After dicussing how we were going to tell my mom, I had already contacted the oncologist who only confirmed my worse fear. The Cancer had already moved into the Liver.
On October 8th worse day of my life she lost her fight to cancer, and left an GIAGANTIC void in my heart. My mom passed at age 65, and I'm still in disbelief she's gone. We were best friends, did everything together, I called her at least 5x's a day and if I didn't call she would call me. Right now I still find myself looking at my phone to see if I have any missed calls from her. I listen to her last voicemails to me everyday and I can't stop crying when I realize I will no longer be able to hug her, kiss her or just caress her hands. I used to do this everyday when we sat togehter and watch TV. I'm 36 yrs old and I loved when my mom played with my hair while sitting at the couch. Now all I have left is the memories, but I just can't believe I will not see her again.
After she got diagnosed and finally told her, she opted for Alternative medicine. She was given all her options and given her condition the Dr. didn't sound very optimistic. I was determined to do anything and everything for her and with her. I started reading and researching everything about Pancreatic Cancer and tried to obtain as much knowledge as I could, so I could understand what she was going to go through. The more i read the more scared i was, I knew her cancer wasn't easy but I just didn't realized how deadly and fast moving it is. When Drs told me that the average person only lives 6 months after diagnosis, I was determine to prove them wrong. My mom was going to survive it and we were going to fight till the end. Four months and 15 days is what she lived after diagnosis. Preping her funeral services was devastating. Everyyear I would always look forward to Mother's day and her birthday because we always did something special. I never thought I would be selecting the color of her casket or where she was going to be layed to rest. I feel like the last couple of weeks have been a blur, and the weird part of it all is that I haven't cried much. I don't know what is going on inside of me. Yesterday was my first day back at work and I find myself talking to people and they talk to me, but it's almost like I'm not here. I feel like I'm outside my body watching me from the outside and i scream and no one sees me. I see my dad and my brother and they cry and cry and cry. I feel bad because I feel like I should be crying, but nothing comes out and then I feel guilty with my mom because she meant so much to me. I've never had this experience before with anyone in my life after they died. I feel lost and just going through the motions. I've visited the cemetary various times since her funeral and when I stand there I still cannot belief my mom is resting there.
Can anyone give me any advise? I feel I need to stay strong for my dad and brother so I try not show any emotion when I'm around them. I don't know if i'm doing the right thing or not, but nothing else comes to me. All I know is how much I miss her right now and wish I could lay next to her once again to caress her hands.