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I just lost my mom to Pancreatic Cancer and I'm still in disbelief.

javila17
Posts: 4
Joined: Oct 2013

May 23rd 2013 2nd worse day of my life.  That is the day my Mom's Dr. called me to give me the news they had found cancerous cells in her Pancreas.  It took me a week to digest the news and finally tell my dad and brother.  After dicussing how we were going to tell my mom, I had already contacted the oncologist who only confirmed my worse fear.  The Cancer had already moved into the Liver. 

On October 8th worse day of my life she lost her fight to cancer, and left an GIAGANTIC void in my heart.  My mom passed at age 65, and I'm still in disbelief she's gone.  We were best friends, did everything together, I called her at least 5x's a day and if I didn't call she would call me.  Right now I still find myself looking at my phone to see if I have any missed calls from her.  I listen to her last voicemails to me everyday and I can't stop crying when I realize I will no longer be able to hug her, kiss her or just caress her hands.  I used to do this everyday when we sat togehter and watch TV.  I'm 36 yrs old and I loved when my mom played with my hair while sitting at the couch.  Now all I have left is the memories, but I just can't believe I will not see her again.

After she got diagnosed and finally told her, she opted for Alternative medicine.  She was given all her options and given her condition the Dr. didn't sound very optimistic.  I was determined to do anything and everything for her and with her.  I started reading and researching everything about Pancreatic Cancer and tried to obtain as much knowledge as I could, so I could understand what she was going to go through.  The more i read the more scared i was, I knew her cancer wasn't easy but I just didn't realized how deadly and fast moving it is.  When Drs told me that the average person only lives 6 months after diagnosis, I was determine to prove them wrong.  My mom was going to survive it and we were going to fight till the end. Four months and 15 days is what she lived after diagnosis.  Preping her funeral services was devastating.  Everyyear I would always look forward to Mother's day and her birthday because we always did something special.  I never thought I would be selecting the color of her casket or where she was going to be layed to rest.  I feel like the last couple of weeks have been a blur, and the weird part of it all is that I haven't cried much.  I don't know what is going on inside of me.  Yesterday was my first day back at work and I find myself talking to people and they talk to me,  but it's almost like I'm not here.  I feel like I'm outside my body watching me from the outside and i scream and no one sees me.  I see my dad and my brother and they cry and cry and cry.  I feel bad because I feel like I should be crying, but nothing comes out and then I feel guilty with my mom because she meant so much to me.  I've never had this experience before with anyone in my life after they died.  I feel lost and just going through the motions.  I've visited the cemetary various times since her funeral and when I stand there I still cannot belief my mom is resting there.

Can anyone give me any advise?  I feel I need to stay strong for my dad and brother so I try not show any emotion when I'm around them.  I don't know if i'm doing the right thing or not, but nothing else comes to me.  All I know is how much I miss her right now and wish I could lay next to her once again to caress her hands.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm a mother and grandmother and lost my mom a little over a month ago. She was 95 and had dementia. You might think that that would make it easy, but it didn't. On Oct. 20 I had a tough time. It was one month since I lost my mom and 4 years since I lost my husband. I can offer some advise, but I have no words of wisdom. You will find your own way forward in your own time. Maybe crying will come later. Maybe it isn't where you are right now. I would suggest that you not try to be too strong. it is ok to let your father and brother support you a little, too. My sons are grown and have children of their own. The best support they gave me when I lost my husband were phone calls and allowing me to talk about their dad. I have no doubt that your father feels lost right now. Losing a spouse is a different type of grief. I thought I understood how my mom felt when she lost my dad, but I didn't. Your father will need to find his own way through this. Just be there for him, and allow him to be there for you. You didn't say how old your brother is, but a grief counselor might be good for all of you. If he is still in school, they might have something available. Hang in there, and feel free to come here anytime you need support. I can tell you that for me time has helped. I still have down days, but they don't come as often. Give yourself time. Fay

javila17
Posts: 4
Joined: Oct 2013

Thank you Fay for your message.  It definitely feels conforting knowing that someone outthere understands what I'm feeling.  My brother is actually older than I am.  His 40th birthday was the day we did the services for my mom.  He didn't mind sharing that day with her as he and I will always remember October 8th as the day we lost her.  He and I do not always see eye to eye, but ever since she moved on; he and I have been getting closer.  My dad and I have always had a great relationship and I know my mom would want me to be there for him and make sure he's ok.  I just don't know what to say to him or how to help him grief.  Right now we're trying to cope and go through the first mayor event.  This saturday she would have turned 66 yrs and we're planning on going to the cemetary to visit decorate her grave.  World of difference from last year when I did a Big surprised party for her 65th birthday.  She was so happy then, and now I cannot believe I will be celebrating her birhtday at her grave.

I guess time will help us, but for right now this is very overwhelming.  Again I thank you for your message and your kind words...God Bless. Jackie

nempark
Posts: 596
Joined: Apr 2010

TRUST IN TIME:The phrase :Time heals all wounds" may sound like a meaningless cliche, but the truth is that you will recover from this loss in time.  Initially, memories will hurt you to your core, even the good one, but at some point that will begin to change, and you will come to cherish those memories.  They will bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart.  Grief is similar to a roller coaster or the ocean's tide.  Know that it is okay to take time off from grieving  to smile, laugh and enjoy life.  This does not mean you are forgetting your beloved mom; that would be impossible.

Here is a Scripture from the Bible: Revelation 21:4

 

And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”

This Scripture is a promise from God that there will be a time when he will cleanse the earth of all evil and our dead loved ones will be raised from the grave, so in time, you will be able to see your mom again.

Here is another Scripture:  John 5:28 Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment.

 

This is the promise from the Bible.

You can check it out in your own Bible.  And to give you some more comfort; Your mom is resting as if she is sleeping. 

Hope I at least help you with these scriptures.  I have just had a severe loss myself and the way you are describing your feelings its exactly how I feel. I know that in time we will get better.   Be well my love and remember it is okay to grieve.

gwj7
Posts: 21
Joined: Jul 2012

I don't know if this will help, but maybe stop dwelling on the fact that she has passed, and instead focus on the time you had together? 36 years is a long time. I am 20 years old and my mom is about to die from this horrible disease. I would do anything to get another 16 years with her. At the same time, I am SO thankful that I had her for 20 years. I'm sorry for your loss and I pray that you will heal with time!

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 347
Joined: Apr 2009

Hang in there, that's all I can say. Time will help, but it takes a LOOOONG time! A really long time! My Mom died nearly five years ago and I still sometimes break down and wonder what the hell happened. It still hits me like someone jumping out of a bush and kicking me in the stomach...six times! And I just turned 16 just a couple weeks ago. Life is cruel, very cruel!!!! The one who is the most important to us gets taken away.

But you know what you should think of? Your Mom doesn't want to see you being miserable...she'll feel very bad up there that she did that to you. You don't want to make her feel guilty and sad! Show her that you'll become someone who will be healthy and strives for happiness. Look around you and look for things you know your Mom would be proud if you did. Or at least this is my driving force! I'm studying hard, I want to do oncology one day so I can pay back to the cancer cells that took my Mom away. I'm working hard on this goal. Every time I get down I quickly tell myself, "pull yourself together! You cannot make Mom sad!". So I maybe this is a poor advice, but I tell you: FOCUS ON THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR MOM HAPPY AND PROUD OF YOU!!!! For her! Just for her! Doesn't matter how you feel about yourself...it's not for yourself...it's for HER! You love her then you owe her that much!

Wish you strength! Lots of it...

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