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Boehner Advises Americans to Delay Getting Cancer for a Year

Alexandra's picture
Alexandra
Posts: 1311
Joined: Jul 2012

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a special Sunday radio address, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) delivered a health tip to the American people, advising them to delay getting cancer for a year.

“We’re involved in a high-stakes fight over our freedom from centralized government control of our lives,” said Mr. Boehner, speaking on behalf of his House colleagues. “You can do your part by delaying getting cancer.”

He added that heart disease, emphysema, and diabetes were among a laundry list of conditions that would be “patriotic to avoid for a year.”

“If you delay getting any of these things for the next twelve months, together we will win this fight,” he said.

In closing, he reassured the American people that in the event of a government shutdown, members of Congress’ health benefits would remain intact: “We want to be in tip-top shape to continue to do the excellent job we’re doing for you.”

 

PS. Canadians, Mexicans, Australians, Europeans and other misc. nationals are still free to get cancer anytime.

childofthestars's picture
childofthestars
Posts: 250
Joined: Jan 2011

Damn I wish I was an American then I would have delayed my new dx till next year- if only!!!! 

Knob!!!!!!! 

M xxxx 

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 1064
Joined: Jun 2012

I wish I'd been smart enough to do that in the first place.  Then I could have renewed my delays annually.  What a great solution.  Honestly, I'm getting pretty embarrassed at being a US citizen.

2timothy1 7's picture
2timothy1 7
Posts: 348
Joined: Jan 2012

Wow I had not heard that comment. How silly! 

However I would not want to live anywhere but the USA! I love my country. Doesn't mean I love what is done here all the time but it will always be my home. 

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 1080
Joined: Sep 2011

That Idiot!  People like him are the reason the U.S. is in such trouble!  I'm from Texas and we were once our own country{some still believe this!}.  I am joining the movement to suceede from the union.  Even Rick Perry is better that this guy{I think!}

Alexandra's picture
Alexandra
Posts: 1311
Joined: Jul 2012

While everyone is delaying getting cancer, they should also buy $50 worth of stamps and mail chain letters to each other to bail out broke USPS ($15.9 billion deficit in 2012 and $4 billion in the 1st quarter 2013)

2timothy1 7's picture
2timothy1 7
Posts: 348
Joined: Jan 2012

This is a column in the New Yorker and is intended to be political satire.  Below is a couple sentences from Wikipedia About Andy Borowitz.  

In the late 1990s, Borowitz began e-mailing humorous fake news stories to friends. In 2001, he founded The Borowitz Report, a site that posts one 250-word news satire every weekday.

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