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Confused... I need some advice about why I feel this way.

beccajeanne791's picture
beccajeanne791
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2013

Hi y’all,

My name is Becca and I’m 22 years old.  I’m writing this because I need some advice.  Here’s a little about background info about my treatment process, etc. (I apologize for writing so much). 

I was diagnosed with stage 3a Hodgkin’s Lymphoma this past February.  I had eight ABVD chemo treatments, and after my last chemo I waited three weeks and got a body scan to see how I was responding to treatment.  I got my results back and I had completely responded to treatment.  But, there was one enlarged node in my chest that needed monitoring.  My doctor recommended doing radiation just as a precaution.  I then had 13 radiation sessions and on August 9th I was officially finished with my treatments.

Throughout my six months of treatment I continuously strived to stay positive.  “Attitude is everything” is the quote I’ve grown to live by.  Before I was even diagnosed I had always been a happy, high-spirited girl and there was no way I was going to let cancer change that.  Of course I had my breakdown moments (because, hello cancer sucks!) but I never let myself stay down for long.  Whenever I was around my family and friends I always acted like I was fine and that nothing was bothering me.  Sometimes I just kept things to myself because I didn’t want to burden others with my continuous cancer talk.  My family and friends were crazy supportive throughout my entire treatment.  My mom and dad came with me to my first chemo treatment but after that I told them they didn’t need to miss work just to sit with me for three hours.  I had minimal side effects in the beginning and went to the majority of my treatments by myself.   That didn’t bother me because I kind of enjoyed having the time to myself.  I’m extremely independent but towards the end of my chemos I really wanted someone there with me…. But I never asked anyone.  My parents came with me to get the news from my body scan and I’m pretty sure they were more excited about it than I was.  I guess I just had this idea in the back of my head that the cancer would be gone no doubt about it.  I figured that once I was done with my eight chemo treatments that would be the end of it. 

I’ve constantly been told that people are so impressed with how I handled the entire situation.  Recently I’ve felt like I’m getting too much credit from those around me.  And I have no idea why I feel that way… it’s like I don’t think I deserve it.  I guess I just think that I would expect anyone else to handle it just like I did.  Cancer attacked my body but it couldn’t attack my mentality, and I think that surprised many of my friends and family.  I only dealt with cancer for five months and I feel like I don’t deserve any praise because it was such a short amount of time.

I am proud of myself, but I guess I just don’t understand why I think I don’t deserve for others to be proud of me?  

If anyone has any advice please let me know.

 

 

NANCYL1
Posts: 259
Joined: Jun 2012

 

 

Becca:  you should be proud of yourself.  People who have "walked in your shoes" understand.  Have you ever read the regular column in the New York Times (nytimes.com) called, "Life Interrupted."  It is written by a young girl.  I think 22 or so.

Check it out.

Nancy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mary N.
Posts: 89
Joined: Jun 2013

Hi, Of course you are confused - you've just been through a whole lot and it is great that you are independent, vivacious and all those nice entergetic things.  I think the sentence that toward the end of your treatment you wanted somone there is telling.  The reality is even though we are independent, we do need other, and, for those of us independent ones sometimes it is hard to ask.  I'm glad you're getting koodos for how you acted but don't forget to ask for help if you need it.

Blessings and hope that you can have a NHL free life from now on.  We learn a lot about ourselves as we travel this road.

dustybrigs
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2013

Having been through two bouts of NHL in a span of four years, I can understand your feelings.

First time, was all about dealing with the cancer and the treatment,I was very unemotional and detached, second time three years later with the recurrence was a shot to the gut. like, I don't deserve this, life's not fair, blah blah blah.

Got over those emotions, did the work, did a stem cell procedure with long hospital stay, and have been cancer free since summer of 2005.

 

So, why do I feel like I don't deserve peoples' atta boys and encourgement to this day?

 

I think part of it may be a feeeling that maybe, just maybe, I don't deserve the accolades. I had great doctors, terrific insurance, and part of it is knowing that if I had been missing just one of those things, I would not be here today.Many, many people had a hand in keeping me alive, and when people pat me on the back for surviving, I am sure to remind them that i had more help than they will ever know or understand.

 

I had a very positive attitude, which I think is extremely important to survive cancer and it's treatments, but so did many others who have succumbed to this disease.

Young lady, you have a full life ahead of you, you're alive because of the work of many, and you honor them by living life to the fullest.

 

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 560
Joined: Aug 2012

A lesson for all of us. Thank you

girliefighter's picture
girliefighter
Posts: 217
Joined: Mar 2013

Becca,

Do you feel like a champion? Because you are!!!....Do you feel like many suffered way worse than you did, so you are not going to complain about one minute of your journey? Because you had to fight just as hard as anyone else!!!

This is a fighter spirit that you have and many people will admire it, TRUST ME!!! You will bring hope and inspiration to others, which is maybe why you were touched with this crap they call cancer. Use your gift, you are blessed....give others strength that need it, shine your light on them

I don't think you realize what you have been through because at the time, it seemed so do-able or easy.....I know because i felt this way...guilty at treatments because I had my hair and wasn't throwing up or in pain while others were, i figured they all hated me....

Keep taking the praise, you fought something that tried to take you out of the game...

XXXOOO

Carie

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