Aug 30, 2013 - 3:00 am
15 years ago at the age of 37 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double massectomy. I was only 13 at the time and didn't really understand what was going on. I remember seeing her sick and being scared.
In her late 40s while I was away at college she had surgery to remove tumors from and replace vertibrae in her upper back. I was busy and away from home. She didn't want to stress me out while I was at school so she never let onto the severity or if she was sad or scared or needed me.
I graduated from college and I am back in my hometown, close to my mom. And a few months ago the first time she has opened up to me about what she is going through. That she has tumors in her adrenal glands, liver, lungs, and marrow. The gentler treatments stopped working and now she began chemotherapy this summer. It has been SO hard on her. She can't eat, she throws up easily, she can't sleep, she can't walk far anymore. And her tumor marker went up again. I don't see how it is possible for to do anymore treatments. I am truly afraid she is going to starve to death.
it hurts me that she is suffering. It hurts that she feels scared and sad. The worst is knowing that she is sad about the possibility of not being there to see me get married next summer. I hate the thought of her being alone in her house. Her wonderful boyfriend lives with her but he works during the day. My grandparents visit her and I take care of her when I can. But the thought of her laying there alone KILLS me.
Relatives are visiting me and my fiancé at our new house tomorrow. We are having a BBQ. But she is too weak to come over and it breaks my heart that she can't celebrate with us like she wants to. I don't even want to be at my new house tomorrow. I need to be with her, caring for Her. Just as she cared for me all the times I was weak or sick, I need to care for her. She deserves it.
I am scared she won't live much longer. I can't sleep because I'm so upset that she is so sick, that she feels sad and scared. No matter what happens, if she dies soon or lives for 20 more years, I want to be there next to her to help her through. no matter how bad it gets have to do everything I can to comfort her. this life is too much. how am I going to do this? I'm not sure i can.