Aug 17, 2013 - 2:07 pm
Cancer grows in you silently sometimes for years. It may even spread to other organs without a notice. But boy when it shows up it takes over your body, mind and soul.
I had severe pain at the time of diagnosis in my butt. To make sure god gave me a bad cough too, so every time I coughed the pain was excruciating, just to make sure I know that the cancer is there.
Radiation and Xeloda got rid of all my pain down there and I'm very grateful for that. It's a scary thought that without that treatment probably I would be dead by now.
Then there come the side effects of the treatment though. Muscle spasm in the lower back one day, then in the rib cage the other. A sharp pain in the hip, then heart palpitations. Feel like you can't breath, then heavy sweating. Is that blood in my stool again. Oh, it's potato skin. My urine is red! Oh, I had beet juice last night. is this just morning cough or I got lung mets? Sometimes all this goes away, then showes up very random. It's never clear, never predictable.
I'm sure a lot of it is mental. Does nearopathy started already or I was just standing on my feet too much today? Is this stomach pain from the chemo or some food that doesn't agree with me? Diarrhea from the chemo or from anxiety?
Cancer! Just make up your mind, damn it! Actually don't make up your mind, because I may not like the way you decide.
Let's play this out. I throw in what I got with a little help of my friends and you show me what you got. I know this game will never end. Even if you lose, you will be always on my mind. So let's play gently and let's play for a long long time. Hopefully one day I can wrap my mind around you and we can just whisper ones in a while about the way we used to play.