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UPDATE: (OT) new granddaughter -almost 2mths old

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

My oldest, recently  moved out after being with us for 4 1/2 yrs with her 2 young boys. She is having a baby girl (being induced in two days) She wants to be close to me/ us but just can't for what ever issues. She told her sister none of us are  allowed to visit or go see the baby. My grandsons will not understand & I am sure they will ask why mema, papa and aunt carrie are not there. ITS" out of my control-nothing I can do-her actions no longer surprise me or hurt me though it is very sad. I take her boys on 4 vacations a year-took care of them full time while she worked, (homework, all sports, bed time stories etc daily)

 

Thanks for listening (aks READING)

 

So #3 grandchild in 2 more days (brother's b day is the day prior to being induced)

 

Denise

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Ritzy
Posts: 4384
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm sorry Denise.  I sure hope that she will change her mind.  I am sending you a huge hug!

Sue :(

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

I am thinking she'll change her mind at the end of the wire when in severe pain...in past she only wanted me to be next to her with the other two...

 

I am sure other family  members will ask why we are not there or not been? MAKES no sense..no fight, arument etc..

LIKE i said she can't hurt me ...numb to it...but I WOULD LOVE to hold the baby of couse....the boys may ask her to call me to come SEE their sister..

Thanks for reply

Denise

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coco2008
Posts: 393
Joined: May 2013

I have a daughter much like yours.  Can suddenly turn on me for no apparent reason or she says it's because of something that happened when she was 13 and I didn't let her do something.  She's 38 now but will not let go of any perceived injustice.  She will be fine and then will all explode.

Hope the ice melts soon.  She will soon get tired of the kids asking where you are.

My prayers are with you.

Sandy

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

Sandy:

YOU said it perfectly. MINE is stuck in time warp from 10 yrs ago or more (SHE IS 26 now) She doesnt' talk here and now issues.

I went out last night and got the baby tee shirt (baby sister) and t he boys each BIG BROTHER shirts...GOT the baby misc things (bottles, bibs etc in bag also) All in nice gift bags to take to the hospital IF I am ALLOWED to visit. They are all coming over for 9 yr old birthday. I have the "HOSPITAL gift bags" out next to Birthday stuff. (so my daughter can see I am excited and happy for the new baby and so the boys see as well) I will be able to tell from body language when I tell the boys htey can't open their bags until the hospital tomorrow......if she tenses up I"LL KNOW I can not go.

I hope she comes to her senses quickly since 24 hrs until maternity ward.

I LIKE "HOPE THE ICE MELTS" but this is an ICEBERG...lots of melting to do-

Cool Thanks so much for the reply...makes me feel better...

Denise

 

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

Ironically she was over the night before she dropped the boys for her son's party and was fine. Next day I said to her sister text to see if you can go along (LIKE other two) MY MISTAKE-I said can't hurt...

 

boy oh boy was I wrong...like fireworks going off just by asking can I come!

Denise

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

last night I had shirts for the Boys (Big Brother) and shirt for baby (little sister) gift bagged each one (getting balloons on way home to attach) Everyone (immediate family) will be over for oldest grandsons b day-i have BABY/Brother gifts bags out where by the birthday stuff...HOPING I can take them to the hospital tomorrow.

Fingers crossed,,,,eyes and toes and some pixie dust too..

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

Baby is here (born yesterday) NO call from my daughter-she dropped her boys off Thursday. I thought she was going to chagne her mind at the last minute but we were not and still have not been allowed to SEE the baby. NO photos, no calls nothing..she llived wth us for over 4 yr until 2 mths ago and now I am banned from  her baby. MY heart is ripped out right now but I have MANY great friends to get me through this.

thanks for letting me vent

 

Denise

Nana Sue
Posts: 55
Joined: Jul 2013

I can't imagine how this feels.  My grandchildren are my life!  I pray your daughter will let you see that precious new grandbaby.

Hugs, Nana Sue

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andi44
Posts: 137
Joined: Jun 2013

So very sorry to hear what you're going thru...sending hugs your way...congrats on the new baby...for your benefit and your grand children's - I do hope she comes around soon...

Andi

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

She just moved out after 4 1/2 yrs I TOOK care of her boys daily-while she worked...but for some reason I am not good enough for the baby.

NO big blow up, no fights when she moved out-yet while she was/ is in the hospital I HADE HER BOYS FOR 4 days-so she trusts me and knows they are all #1 importance.

I am so brain boggled and so so so HURT...tore my heart out and stepped on it.. I take her sons to Disney and 2-4 vacations a year! So this makes NO sense-I'll never figure it out. IF and when I am allowed I am unsure how to respond-I want to be excited but unsure the out come. I am putting on bowling party for her oldest this weekend (b day) I am sure she will keep baby home so I can't see her. (more then keeping home away from germs)

Thanks for replies...i just needed to vent while so so so SAD!

Denise

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

Denise,

My heart goes out to you on not being able to see your new grandchild.  It seems a little strange to me that she has no problem with you taking care of her other two and suddenly moves out right before the birth.  Since you haven't had a fight is it possible she may be hiding something from you?  I'm sorry I'm speculating I hope you don't mind.  Are other family members allowed to see the baby?  It seems very odd to me.  I hope she gets over what ever it is and lets you see the baby soon.  Many hugs.

 

Terry

 

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

cousins have all seen the baby-

she is predictabley unpredicatble. OUR therapist said it is punishment-not that we don't take wonderful care of the boys. MORE  A control thing-but dug herself deep saying to us "I DO NOT NEED anything from youj"  just the opposite. She wanted her space and when we give it to her we are NO GOOD. could be a chemical imbalance but she will not admit issues-so it is what it is..sadly.

 

Thanks for reply

Denise

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KathiM
Posts: 7857
Joined: Aug 2005

Such a miracle....sigh....but hopefully, in time, your daughter will change her mind.  (Probably at the first time the baby get colic, and she is at a loss as to what to do with this squalling 'bundle of joy'...*grin*).  

 

I am wrapping my arms around you, dearest...

 

Hugs, Kathi

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

Kathi:

thanks it's just a matter of time...but I WANT to see and hold her now! But I must be patient-I know. JUST hurts so badly.

Denise

IF SHE IS trying to  hurt me she found the way to do it big time

 

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Double Whammy
Posts: 2199
Joined: Jun 2010

Have you told her how you feel?  Did she tell you directly that you were not allowed?  Have you asked to see the baby (and yoru daughter)?  This just doesn't sound right.  I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.  I can't imagine.

Hugs,

Suzanne

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lintx
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Joined: Sep 2012

 

I hope this all changes with the best outcome.  Thinking of you.  Hugs, Linda

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aisling8
Posts: 1216
Joined: Feb 2010

This is just an idea, but maybe she wants to "do" this baby on her own. It sounds like you provided a home and help and were very lovingly involved with her sons. Now she's moved out, as you say, no arguments, no strife. I'm wondering if she's trying to raise this baby on her own, not realizing, of course, that she can do that and still have you see the baby, hold the baby, love the baby. 

Family can be the greatest joy and the greatest heartbreak.

I'm glad she hasn't kept your grandsons from you. 

xoxo

Victoria

 

 

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

I keep my boundries-when she is home and boys asked to do this and that etc..I would say mom is home go ask her. I am not one to hover and take over the kids. Even when home I cooked for boys-even when she was home-easier for me to do I GUESS.

9 yr old b birthday party tomorrow at bowling alley-she is leaving the baby home with cousin. I have not seen her since she dropped the boys-I have no idea who she will react. BUT I AM there for my grandson OLNLy..i'll be pleasant when I must have contact. I planned and booked the party (with her permission)

Denise

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

yes she texted her sister and said we were all banned from the hospital. She was mad we FOUND out the baby was born. (LIKE duh dropped boys since being induced not a shock)

HER cousins actually asked if they were allowed-

Denise

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CypressCynthia
Posts: 3700
Joined: Oct 2009

I am just so sorry that you are having to deal with this!  It is so unfair to keep your new grandchild from you.  Praying she will come to her senses.  Big hugs.

cinnamonsmile
Posts: 1001
Joined: Dec 2010

I am like the rest, so so sorry your daughter is putting you through this with out a reason. To me it seems like a slap in the face for all you have done for her and her kids. I had no place to go when I left my son's father when he was a baby and had to live at a Women's Shelter for a month before I could get an apartment.

I sure hope she changes her mind and softens up.

I don't mean to rub salt in the wounds but she sounds like an ungrateful spoiled child to me.

I commend  you for taking the high road.

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks all-it's been a week not a word from her. SHE wants to be so independent but really regrets she NEEDS us big time-so all we have done for her (SHE HAS NOT asked for "her words not mine"

MAYBE she wants to prove she can take care of this baby without MY help! HER son's b day party tomorrow-I hear she is leaving the baby home (ONLY one week old but more to keep away from me, her dad and sis).

Adventually she will have to bite the bullet-but we are (3 of us) standing our ground. OTHER family members (aunts, cousins etc) have told her how cruel and uncalled for.

 

Thanks again for letting me vent....

Denise

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coco2008
Posts: 393
Joined: May 2013

Don't know if this is issue, but my daughter will start out on an anger issue at me and then get more angry and upset over what then appears as guilt.

It's like she's saying I know I shouldn't have acted like that, but I can't let you know that.

I inaccurately thought the hardest part of parenting was over when they became patents.

My heart and prayers are with you.

God bless

Sandy

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

Sandy:

YOU hit the nail on the head!

 

Denise

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coco2008
Posts: 393
Joined: May 2013

 Double post

muffingranma
Posts: 107
Joined: Sep 2012

I am so sorry to hear that. I don't know if you believe in God I do and I will pray your daughter has a change of heart, and lets you see your grandchildren, Wish you the best.

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

I can see and have the boys for the weekends etc but can't meet that baby! VERY sad..

I had bowling party for oldest grandson sat -MOM came but left baby elsewhere-everyone in the family knows the situation of us not being allowed to SEE her. VERY ackward party but we put on good show for grandson-great time, much fun by all!

 

Sooner or later she'll break this nonsense-our therapist thinks this is her punishing us for why we dont' know. We  have her boys contantly ( I AM like 2nd mom) So not that I am bad person-none of it makes any sense

but it is what is is..

thanks for letting me vent her-it does help ease the HURT IN MY heart for the baby girl i want to hold so badly. IF she is trying to hurt us she is doing a great job-but we will never let her know that.

Denise

Faith_In_God
Posts: 76
Joined: Mar 2013

Denise, I was just trying to figure out why your daughter does'nt want you to see her baby girl, and those questions came to my mind;

Is she a single mom? 

Do you approve of the baby girl's father? maybe the baby looks like him, and your daughter does'nt want you to react differently (than her older brothers) towards the baby.

It seems that she is trying to hide the baby (especially during the party).

You don't have to answer any of those questions to us, I am just trying to help you figure out what might be the problem.

I hope you can see your granddaughter soon.

 

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

My husband ran into them n the parking lot (multiple dr offices) She had baby and boys going to baby dr and my hubby different Dr. MY grandsons saw him in truck and ran over to ask if they could go with him (ON way to wake so they couldnt') but baby right there on ground in car seat-but he only could talk to the boys-

WE do not have any objections to the dad-I am such a kid person-at the party i carried around both baby neices, while she was there having a great time. I am sure it didnt' phase her-or did she think of how badly I want to see the baby. OUR therpaist said she is trying to punish us for some reason. (Though we gave her a place to live for almost 5 yrs, watched her kids daily-did sports, Dr appt, school meetings, take on 3 vacations a year since birth) We are both softies so trreat the boys like royalty.

Both sides of the family have told her how wrong she is and how the whole family(S) are also hurt. She never told anyone pregnant even when so obvious. NONE OF IT makes sense-never will.

 

Thanks again for letting VENT and help me to sort through this CRAP!

Denise

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

After the party the boys came home with us-spent the night etc..she's ok with that-but can't SEE baby. I drove my grandson to his/ her house to pick something up-called first. I waited on the street-while he ran in the house.

OUR only communication right now is text in ref: to the boys.

Denise

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi Denise,

I've been reading your struggle and I have to admire the fact you are handling it the way you are.  If it was me I wouldn't have the patience you have.  I have some troubles with my family but I would never not let my parents see their grandchildren.  I think she is enjoying having this power over you for whatever reason it might be.  I just wanted to let you know how wonderful you are and a great mom/grandmother.

 

Terry

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks Tery I really needed a boost of good words....

I am doing (with all my might to be patient)

I know it's  nothing I have done-so a bit easier to deal with-it is  her way of thnking and contol (like you said)

At least at this age the baby does NOT know I am not ignoring her and leaving her out of things with  her brother. By the time she is OLD enough to realize I hope I will be IN HER LIFE>>>

Thanks for reply

Denise

bluewillo
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2013

Hi Denise. Sorry your daughter is putting you thru this. However, I've been following this story and have an idea.

You say she and her sons lived with you for 5 years. You were the 2nd mom for those boys. Perhaps in some juvenile, infantile way, your daughter is trying to assert her motherly duties with the new baby. Maybe she feels you took over her boys (remember, I'm just armchair therapy-ing here) and with this child, she is punishing you for being such good parents and grandparents. And, perhaps she is trying to show you (but really, prove to herself) that she can do this mothering thing by herself. She is trying to compensate for all those times when the boys needed a parent, and you were there to meet that need.

Perhaps if you look at it as she is trying to be the grown-up mommy and do this by herself, to prove to herself that she CAN be a good mom, without you as back-up, it won't make you feel so badly. OF course, she took drastic measures to make sure you don't have contact with this child....but SHE did that, not you. She is punishing you for her perceived failures. She doesn't sound very mature, so this fits.

I truly hope it gets better, and that you continue to enjoy the boys Laughing

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

I think you hit the nail on the head....BINGO...

I was more their mom then she was (due to she worked evenings)-when she was home I made sure to tell boys YOU  MUST ask mommy is you can do this or that. I stepped back but even on her day off they would ask me to do things for them.

When they moved in she was working 3 job-I told her (offered) if she could get ONE FULL TIME job-even in t he evenings I would watch the boys. (pick up day care, home work, sports etc)

IF she said (but she is gruff and not mushy) MOM I want to be 110% mom to the baby I would no ever overstep my boundries! Since she moved out-I have stepped back. I offered to go out once a week and take the boys to the library and ice cream and take them home (THEY LOVE OUR weekly library trips) she never replied-It is not like her thing to do with them-I do not call her or contact her.

She did stop by the house (sister saw her) but never came to myself or hubby-just left (picked up mail i think)

I refused to go to her -since MY house I feel she should have made it known she stopped by.

Denise

 

PS I do see / have the boys about once a week. (WE DO lots fo fun things and they have not noticed yet we have not met their sister)

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

I was watching my grandsons (while baby sister in cardiact care pediactric hospital)-their mom came to pick them up this am and she brought the baby with her and in the house. SHE is so tiny and SWEET of course. MADE MY heart melt. She is 2 wks and this is the first time I got to MEET her...

 

IT"S a big step though seems small....

MADE my day ahhhhhhhhhhhhhLaughingTongue OutWink

coco2008's picture
coco2008
Posts: 393
Joined: May 2013

I am so happy for you.  I pray her heart continues to soften.

God bless you all.

Sandy

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

Sandy:

Thanks-when she arrived (her in pull in driveway) I peaked out the window and saw her opening the back door. I was excited but just sat back down (IN case he didn't bring her in. She never said anything-put her down and went tot he bathroom.

Sadly more then likely in 2-3 wks this tiny baby will have to have open heart surgery. Drs are trying meds first but serval issues with her tiny heart.

JUST SO happy I got to see her-Smile

Denise

jlharris's picture
jlharris
Posts: 47
Joined: Apr 2013

I am so happy for you. Did you get to hold her? I am praying for this new little one and for you as well.

Take Care,

Jenifer

 

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

SADLy no I did not get to HOLD...only have her hole my finger (while she was in car seat in my living room)

I TOOK PIX...and cherish the one with her grabbing my finger...

 

Denise

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

I HOPE my daughters heart softens and baby's gets stronger...

Denise

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7857
Joined: Aug 2005

YEA!!!!!

 

heart surgery...and that explains your daughter's hesitancy......this tiny beautiful thing was, in some people's eyes, less than 'perfect'.  She wasn't sure how you would react.....

You did SOOOOO well, dearest!!!  I am smiling from ear to ear!!!

 

Hugs, Kathi

bluewillo
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2013

So happy for you!

debi.18's picture
debi.18
Posts: 842
Joined: Jun 2011

I'm so happy you finally got to meet your precious little one!  Will keep her in my prayers!

Hugs, Debi

carkris's picture
carkris
Posts: 4496
Joined: Aug 2009

I take care of children with open heart surgery pm me if you need to!

 

 

fauxma's picture
fauxma
Posts: 3518
Joined: Dec 2008

So glad you got to see your grandaughter.  My prayers will be with her and with you also. 

Stef

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks..I may take you up on that...I do  not know if doing suregery right away....I am so worried and can't see her...only have seen her 5 mns...better then nothing...but my daughter does not want me/us with her.

Denise

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

THINGS are not good with baby's health. She has been sent back to Westchester Medical  center-feedding tube, losing weight etc...I am not allowed to go down to see her and My grandsons have been dropped off with other family to watch...she never asked me and I was available and still am.

I am so hurt-didnt' get to sleep until after 3 am and up by 6...everyone in family knew for 2 days but us-no one called..I guess they feel not their place to do so...

IF SHE is trying to hurt us she has suceeded..I know major time of stress for her but she is making it more stressful.

Thanks for comments...and thoughts,

Denise

 

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7857
Joined: Aug 2005

It could be that your daughter is ashamed.  Yes, ashamed!  That she did not produce a 'whole, healthy' baby.  She may be feeling like a failure.

 

How can I say this?  Well, my second one was 6 weeks early.  Not only was she early, but had very much difficulty breathing.  She was a 'guest' in the hospital's NICU unit for over a week.  I kept questioning myself as to what I did "wrong" to "cause this".

 

Hugs to you, dearheart....

 

Hugs, Kathi

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5057
Joined: Oct 2010

I have taken a different approach-texting my daugher saying I am here no matter what. I cna't imagine what you are going through etc.

she has reached out and asked me to take boys school shopping etc.

we did go down HOUR away-we asked nurse to ask her if ok for us to go in...no surprises..she allowed us in...NOT excited or smile but i am sure exhausted..no sleep for days....so we did get to see the baby and her sister held her. first time for my hubby to see gianna.

 

all and all baby step but we got through it...they may come home fri hopefully with no IV, feeding tubes etc.

thanks for reply..kathi..

 

Denise

camul's picture
camul
Posts: 1942
Joined: Dec 2010

and help with the boys. Will pray for the baby and all of you. Sounds like she knew her baby may have medical issues b4 she was born. Will pray for all of you. Cant imagine what she is going through. Sounds like your new approach is working and she knows you are all there for her and her family. She will probably need you in the weeks to come.
Sending prayers,
Carol

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