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You know you're growing old when...

Alexandra's picture
Alexandra
Posts: 1205
Joined: Jul 2012

- Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

- Your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- A sexy guy catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- Your husband says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

- Your husband's semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection.

- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

- You have a lifetime supply of glucosamine chondroitin msm

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- All the names in your little black book end in MD.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

- You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let’s face it, traveling just isn’t as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- You’re suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease. You go to the mall and forget where you parked your car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won’t get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won’t wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You’re sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing “Kumbaya.”

- Someone compliments you on your layered look…. and you’re wearing a bikini.

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

- You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

- You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

- The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.

- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

- You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

- You have a dream about prunes.

- You send money to PBS.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word “equity” means.

- You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- Your chin is hairier than your head.

- You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You can go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- You don’t remember being absent minded.

- “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

lovesanimals's picture
lovesanimals
Posts: 1234
Joined: Sep 2011

I can relate to more of these than I care to admit.  Here's a few more:

- You're not expected to understand the technology in the Apple Store.

- The first thing you read in the newspaper is the obituaries.

- You still read a hard-copy newspaper (me!)

- Your favorite topic of discussion is retirement planning.

- Your co-workers are surprised to learn that your parents are still around.

- When you stand up, there is more "snap, crackle and pop" than a bowl of rice krispies.

Kelly

Rosamond M
Posts: 86
Joined: Apr 2013

Loved your posts! Two old sayings "The most wasted of all days is the one without laughter"

and "You don't stop laughing because you grow old ; you grow old because you stop laughing",

both so true.

It is so great to have our day brightened with humour and I thank you both very much for

brightening my day!!

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 745
Joined: Sep 2011

Love them all...thanks for the laugh! Two more:

1. You know your old when you can not understand one word of lyrics in any music!

2. You walk down stairs side ways so your whole foot is on the stair tread.

3. You stop watching one hour long shows because you either lose track of the story-line or you fall asleep.

4. The ceiling over your chair is the cleanest in the house because your sleep with your mouth open and suck up all the cobwebs!

poopergirl14052's picture
poopergirl14052
Posts: 1151
Joined: Nov 2010

Tongue Out

You look in the mirror and for a minute you ask..who is that old man?  You blend right in with other residents at an assisted living...was visiting my sis....seniors have more swag than me...Val 

Hearty Pioneer's picture
Hearty Pioneer
Posts: 127
Joined: Apr 2013

I really like: getting a little action means you don't need to take a laxative.

Since the debulking and IP chemo I take miralax every day....

Kaleena's picture
Kaleena
Posts: 1052
Joined: Nov 2009

Tongue OutNeed a like button on this too!

Thanks for sharing.

Kathy

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