Last treatment

A big huge thank you to all who have replied and supported me over  what at the time seemed to be the most agonizing moments of the journey I have been sent on.

You all truly are inspirations to me and I feel such solace when I read this board and become humbled by the fact that I was NEVER in this alone. When asked how I would define a hero in my life previously I would have maybe stated my father, grand father; definition change has now been made to anyone whom has served for anything other than themselves. YOU PEOPLE DO SUCH MUCH FOR OTHERS WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT!!! Just sharing your thoughts and journeys is truly a gift to others, even if they never chime in on any conversations. This is by far and away the only place I have ever felt comfortable publishing my thoughts to others about what i was going through or about to endure.

I have been very private about my Cancer and the treatment outside of this board. My sister has been to all of my Chemotherapy infusions with me and will walk with me this coming saturday in the caregivers lap in the Relay For Life, she truly is the only one who has even seen a partial of what I have been through. I had a very good friend tell me that my Chemo treatments and Cancer were "baby", as if mine was to be non-substantial or pale in comparison to others; this truly hurt me. I do feel that SO MANY OTHERS have been through only what can be described as HELL compared to me, but I do not feel like any less of a CHAMPION for the time being!! I wish that I could take all of everyone's grief, pain, agony and nausea away, even if for one hour; so that they (you) could rest, heal and rejuvinate your warrior spirits.

It would be truly amazing if I could just move on with my life as though nothing has happened, but we all know that is the most far fetched Idea that I have had this week alone. I have been touched and moved in so many ways that I am almost angry at myself for not journaling everything to reflect on later. As if I could forget it...lol....well, due to the anti-anxiety meds and the slight inclination that I will very soon suffer from alzheimer's I truly could lose many memories  My oncologist told me 2 weeks ago, that she hoped I could just forget about the last 6 months or so of my life and carry on<---- she truly meant it, but I know once she said it, she thought she must have lost her damn mind for even thinking that thought...

I have been inspired to go beyond my own personal strengths, be pushed past the edge of my limits and have committed myself to helping others reach that point and beyond. I know that I had to go through this journey to help others heal, I guess even in health I MUST DO THINGS THE HARD WAY. My life lessons have never been easy ones to learn, I don't know If I am stubborn or just a slow learner and this one has proven to be the most unusual lesson thus far.

Sadly, my father's cousin (age 63ish) has just been diagnosed with Leukemia...I am unsure if it is acute or chronic or staging at this point, but I am hoping that what I have experienced can help him throughout his treatments. While they say Cancer is not hereditary, this is the 5th person that has had some sort of blood related Cancer on my father's side of the family. We do live in a very rural farm community and I know that environmental stuff can enduce such dastardly things, such as pesticides and whatever other gross chemicals that are used on the farm fields.

Now that I think about it....well this might only amuse me, but the day after my last Chemo treatment I was woken up at 6am by a crop duster flying over my house making his rounds on the sugar beets in the fields surrounding my house. I realize that this might seem a little absurd, but I had half a thought to shoot that lil sucker out of the sky for several reasons: 1) he was distrupting the only sleep I might get in the next week or so (PREDNISONE Induced insomnia) 2) because the twit was possibly re-poisoning me after I just finished this crap 3)because he might wake my son up having some bad dreams about zombies or whatever that crazy kid is thinking about these days 4) I just simply was annoyed by the fact that he was flying so low, repeatedly over my house and I kept thinking that a plane was literally going to land on my roof

Thinking of you all daily

XXXOOO

Carie

MChantal said:

Carie

First off, if your crazy than I must be crazy too! Haha. Simple because, I too believe that this cancer experience has brought so much more to the world. As i sit here, i want to cry because life really is beyond beautiful and so many people take that for granted. It is extremely upsetting when I hear some of my friends complain about the little things... It's like I want to scream at them that they are "blessed!"

Remembering back to April when I first jumped onto this site in a maniac state thinking I am losing the love of my life and is this really happening?! I found everyone here and the comfort they all gave me from thousands of miles away. You had just had your first round of chemo and you telling me that the "human spirit can do miraculous things." Oh my goodness, now thinking at it all, that could not be more true. As I have always said Carie, you are an inspiration. I wish the best for you in all that you do. I pray that this stupid thing called "cancer" never touches your beautiful soul ever again. That you and your children can go on living and enjoying every bit of life.

Although Kyle and I have one more round to go and the stem cell transplant. I understand what you mean by, what next? It's true, after cancer hits you, it changes absolutely everything. i know I am not personally handing the cancer within my own body yet, it definitely does feel like it.

So much has changed, so much has yet to change. I just hope its all for the best.

Love,

Michelle

Michelle,

I just want to comment on the part where you said that you were not personally handling the cancer within your own body......Umm, my dear you are. You are using all of your strength, faith, power and whatever you can muster inside of yourself to fight for the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. While you personally may not be experiencing projectile vomit, constipation, hairloss or any of the other effects of Cancer, you are feeling the heartache and desperation of wanting it to all end and just leave you and those you love so dearly alone. Caregivers in many aspects are much braver than the actual patients at times, and you must know that you are playing the most intregral part in Kyle's Treatments..You are supporting him, loving him, laughing at him and probably telling him that it isn't as bad as what he thinks; while inside you are trembling<--- that takes more strength than anything I know or could imagine.

You are a hero and a WARRIOR!!!

Sending you both Prayers

XXXOOO

Carie