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Last treatment

girliefighter's picture
girliefighter
Posts: 194
Joined: Mar 2013

Well my fellow lymphomaniacs...I am sitting here in an unusually unsettling state, I know I should be happy, jovial etc right now; tomorrow is my last chemo treatment. But I have to be honest with you, I am more nervous than a prostitute in church.Wink It feels like it is my first treatment all over again. I keep thinking "what now?, what's next?"

I am returning back to work on Monday and back to school on August 26th, so I guess that means welcome back to the real world!!! I keep feeling like I was living a nightmare and it is finally almost over, but to be quite honest it went soooooooo quickly. I am kind of still in shock that I had Cancer, that is how fast it moved. I guess I truly never accepted my diagnosis and am still in denial...lol<-----which is something I recommend to anyone

I am so excited by the people that are ending their treatments and able to get back to their "normal" lives, even though we all know that our "normal" will never be the same as pre-diagnosis. You grow so much, you gain compassion and zest for life, gratitude for being able to see another day or another hour even, priorities change (it's like having that first child all over again), humanity and faith in it is once again restored, simple things please you now (VERY SIMPLE THINGS, like the sun shining on your face or the wind in your hair if you have any left), my life truly has been changed and I am so glad you were ALL a part of it and will continue to be.People often look at me like I am  crazy<-----and I sometimes amLaughing, because I say "I am ok";This whole journey I know is to lead me on another path in my life.  I hope all of your journeys have inspired you to inspire someone else. You will never get me to repeat this again, but this journey; My journey has been a gift from GOD! Yup, It is official I am crazy; I just said Cancer was a gift from God. I am not even currently on any anti-anxiety pills either...lol...

Sending you all well wishes

XXXOOO

Carie

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Carie

First, congratulations on reaching your last chemo day. I'm sure it's a relief, but also a worry.

I think we all have times of wondering what is next, or what do I do now. You have work and school ahead and in time you will find your place of peace and move forward.

You are young and have a whole life to live ahead of you.

For me, cancer is always present in my thoughts, but I try my best to not let it take over.

I get scared but also keep finding hidden strength.

And, NO you are not crazy. You are a survivor who has been through a battle for life.

Keep smiling and keep going.

You are amazing!!

Sending you huge hugs for tomorrow and beyond....

Lisha

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1971
Joined: Aug 2011

I couldn't have said it any better than Lisha.  And from one "Lymphomanic" to another - you are not crazy!

Super hugs and wishes for you,

Jim

Shoopy
Posts: 210
Joined: Jul 2013

Carie,

Thank you for that post.  Since I'm just starting "salvage treatment" for my DLBCL, your message really inspired and uplifted me just when I needed it.  I have a tough few months coming up and I hope that I am 1/2 as crazy (and strong) as you.  THANK YOU!

Karl

(By the way...I really hate that they call it "salvage treatment"--makes me feel like a hunk of scrap metal)

Rocquie's picture
Rocquie
Posts: 465
Joined: Mar 2013

I believe it is part of the process to feel apprehension upon completing treatment. It's scary. We have had someone taking care of us, being super sweet to us, assuring us that we will be fine; we have had the reinforcement of knowing our blood tests were being monitored. Suddenly it is just us. We are alone with our recovery. We feel a loss. But just remember, you still have us, here at the board. You are in a position to help and inspire others.

I'm glad to hear you say you believe your Lymphoma is a gift. I feel the same way. I hear so many people use the word "hate" in dealing with cancer. I don't say hateful things in other aspects of my life and I am not going to hate my Lymphoma. My Lymphoma has become part of me and I won't hate myself. Like you, I also use the word, "journey". My Lymphoma Journey--never battle or war.

You are going far in life, Carie, I just know it. Take care for now, my friend. And until we hear from you again (soon I hope). . .

Big (((hugs)))

Rocquie

 

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3149
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Carie,

Oh boy do I remember  how I felt last February when I finished the last of my 2 year Rituxan maint infusions. Wow...I had so many emotions running through my head! I had this silly idea that as long as the Rituxan was surging through my body it would ward off any attempt of my cancer coming back. The thought of having nothing in my blood stream fighting off nasty cancer was scary as heck at first. I had read where some people took Rituxan for years and years and I half heartedley wished I could too. Finally I talked to my Onc about my fears and he convinced me I would be fine without the Rituxan. He said it could be years before my cancer returned and in the meantime I should just get out there and enjoy every single day to the fullest. So...thats what I'm trying to do, and that's what we all should do. You my dear are young and full of life with a personality to beat all, so please don't waste any precious time! Go to work and to school, enjoy your wonderful son and make every day count. Don't forget about us though, or we will come looking for you! Love you sweet girl...Sue

(FNHL-2-3A-6/10-age 62)

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 998
Joined: May 2012

Wear those gloves to class, and "knock out" those courses !

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 476
Joined: Aug 2012

I am truly happy for you too Carie.  I understand how you feel. While you are fighting the battle and conquering it, you are in the fight and winning.  When the fight is over you feel like there is nothing left but to wait.  The problem is the unknown.  Before cancer entered our lives, I think I figured that if people became cancer free, they just got on with their lives so easy, but it isn't  so.  We can just do the best that we can though, and I believe you have and will continue to do just that.

Thinking of you, Becky

girliefighter's picture
girliefighter
Posts: 194
Joined: Mar 2013

Becky,

This is the first time I have been able to put a face to all those inspirational commentsLaughing.....LOVE THE PICTURE!!!

Carie

MChantal's picture
MChantal
Posts: 92
Joined: Apr 2013

First off, if your crazy than I must be crazy too! Haha. Simple because, I too believe that this cancer experience has brought so much more to the world. As i sit here, i want to cry because life really is beyond beautiful and so many people take that for granted. It is extremely upsetting when I hear some of my friends complain about the little things... It's like I want to scream at them that they are "blessed!"

Remembering back to April when I first jumped onto this site in a maniac state thinking I am losing the love of my life and is this really happening?! I found everyone here and the comfort they all gave me from thousands of miles away. You had just had your first round of chemo and you telling me that the "human spirit can do miraculous things." Oh my goodness, now thinking at it all, that could not be more true. As I have always said Carie, you are an inspiration. I wish the best for you in all that you do. I pray that this stupid thing called "cancer" never touches your beautiful soul ever again. That you and your children can go on living and enjoying every bit of life.

Although Kyle and I have one more round to go and the stem cell transplant. I understand what you mean by, what next? It's true, after cancer hits you, it changes absolutely everything. i know I am not personally handing the cancer within my own body yet, it definitely does feel like it.

So much has changed, so much has yet to change. I just hope its all for the best. :)

Love,

Michelle

girliefighter's picture
girliefighter
Posts: 194
Joined: Mar 2013

Michelle,

I just want to comment on the part where you said that you were not personally handling the cancer within your own body......Umm, my dear you are. You are using all of your strength, faith, power and whatever you can muster inside of yourself to fight for the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. While you personally may not be experiencing projectile vomit, constipation, hairloss or any of the other effects of Cancer, you are feeling the heartache and desperation of wanting it to all end and just leave you and those you love so dearly alone. Caregivers in many aspects are much braver than the actual patients at times, and you must know that you are playing the most intregral part in Kyle's Treatments..You are supporting him, loving him, laughing at him and probably telling him that it isn't as bad as what he thinks; while inside you are trembling<--- that takes more strength than anything I know or could imagine.

You are a hero and a WARRIOR!!!

Sending you both Prayers

XXXOOO

Carie

girliefighter's picture
girliefighter
Posts: 194
Joined: Mar 2013

To all,

Thank you for all the love and support....It was a heck of a last treatment, but I am up and running at 100% today and hopefully for many more days to follow. You won't get rid of me that easy though, you have all become my family and the only ones that can truly understand what I am going through or have done thus far, it brings a complete comfort to the conversations.

Well Wishes to All

XXXOOO

Carie

coachmike
Posts: 132
Joined: Oct 2011

Carie

It was about a year ago i finished my stem cell transplant and I felt the same way, cancer was a gift from God and i sure felt crazy for thinking that way LOl, however I was on anti anxiety medication hahaha.

Life will never be the same and in some ways it will be better.

 

Tomorrow I go in for my one year scan and will ge the results on Tue. The scans are a constant reminder of the strength and determination that you have to have to beat such a horrible disease. I pray that you have a wonderful and joyous life ahead of you. Your awesome!

 

anliperez915's picture
anliperez915
Posts: 741
Joined: Sep 2011

I've always loved reading your post...and this one was no different :)

Thank God you're done with the treatments!

What's next??? Living life with your son and enjoying every minute of it *_*

take care 

Sincerely,

Liz

girliefighter's picture
girliefighter
Posts: 194
Joined: Mar 2013

A big huge thank you to all who have replied and supported me over  what at the time seemed to be the most agonizing moments of the journey I have been sent on.

You all truly are inspirations to me and I feel such solace when I read this board and become humbled by the fact that I was NEVER in this alone. When asked how I would define a hero in my life previously I would have maybe stated my father, grand father; definition change has now been made to anyone whom has served for anything other than themselves. YOU PEOPLE DO SUCH MUCH FOR OTHERS WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT!!! Just sharing your thoughts and journeys is truly a gift to others, even if they never chime in on any conversations. This is by far and away the only place I have ever felt comfortable publishing my thoughts to others about what i was going through or about to endure.

I have been very private about my Cancer and the treatment outside of this board. My sister has been to all of my Chemotherapy infusions with me and will walk with me this coming saturday in the caregivers lap in the Relay For Life, she truly is the only one who has even seen a partial of what I have been through. I had a very good friend tell me that my Chemo treatments and Cancer were "baby", as if mine was to be non-substantial or pale in comparison to others; this truly hurt me. I do feel that SO MANY OTHERS have been through only what can be described as HELL compared to me, but I do not feel like any less of a CHAMPION for the time being!! I wish that I could take all of everyone's grief, pain, agony and nausea away, even if for one hour; so that they (you) could rest, heal and rejuvinate your warrior spirits.

It would be truly amazing if I could just move on with my life as though nothing has happened, but we all know that is the most far fetched Idea that I have had this week alone. I have been touched and moved in so many ways that I am almost angry at myself for not journaling everything to reflect on later. As if I could forget it...lol....well, due to the anti-anxiety meds and the slight inclination that I will very soon suffer from alzheimer's I truly could lose many memories Wink My oncologist told me 2 weeks ago, that she hoped I could just forget about the last 6 months or so of my life and carry on<---- she truly meant it, but I know once she said it, she thought she must have lost her damn mind for even thinking that thought...

I have been inspired to go beyond my own personal strengths, be pushed past the edge of my limits and have committed myself to helping others reach that point and beyond. I know that I had to go through this journey to help others heal, I guess even in health I MUST DO THINGS THE HARD WAY. My life lessons have never been easy ones to learn, I don't know If I am stubborn or just a slow learnerLaughing and this one has proven to be the most unusual lesson thus far.

Sadly, my father's cousin (age 63ish) has just been diagnosed with Leukemia...I am unsure if it is acute or chronic or staging at this point, but I am hoping that what I have experienced can help him throughout his treatments. While they say Cancer is not hereditary, this is the 5th person that has had some sort of blood related Cancer on my father's side of the family. We do live in a very rural farm community and I know that environmental stuff can enduce such dastardly things, such as pesticides and whatever other gross chemicals that are used on the farm fields.

Now that I think about it....well this might only amuse me, but the day after my last Chemo treatment I was woken up at 6am by a crop duster flying over my house making his rounds on the sugar beets in the fields surrounding my house. I realize that this might seem a little absurd, but I had half a thought to shoot that lil sucker out of the sky for several reasons: 1) he was distrupting the only sleep I might get in the next week or so (PREDNISONE Induced insomnia) 2) because the twit was possibly re-poisoning me after I just finished this crap 3)because he might wake my son up having some bad dreams about zombies or whatever that crazy kid is thinking about these days 4) I just simply was annoyed by the fact that he was flying so low, repeatedly over my house and I kept thinking that a plane was literally going to land on my roof

Thinking of you all daily

XXXOOO

Carie

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 476
Joined: Aug 2012

     You were on a roll this morning.  I thought about you all day but just got back from a thwarted trip to Lake Tahoe (the car overheated).  Sounds like you are still having trouble with "the let down"  I don't think it ever goes away, but does go on the back burner eventually.  You'll get there.  I know what you mean about being private.  When Bill was first diagnosed, other than close family, it took awhile.  For some reason I didn't want to think about others calling people with the "news" even though I knew it would be out of concern and love and not for gossip.  Funny huh? 

     I know what you mean about the crop duster, but I did get a laugh out of it.  With Bill's MCL, they don't know the cause because it's characteristic is chromosome damage and they don't know why (at least that's what I think I read).  There is a theory that it could be caused by pesticides.  We both grew up here in the Sacramento Valley and of course in the era of no restrictions.  Bill used to play in the orchards full of malthion, parathion and who knows what and chased the mosquito abatemant truck down the street as he was spraying DDT.  At least my parents had the brains not to let us.  We also have Pave Paws, a big microwave station at our local AF Base.  Oh happy day.  Needless to say, for a small twin city area the cancer center is a busy place. 

     I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's cousin.  At least hopefully you can be a big support to him.  I think that will be good for you too.  I posted awhile back about the last time Bill had his rituxan, I was in the bathroom at the cancer center and my high school girlfriend came in.  She and her husband (he has pancreatic cancer) had just seen his doctor.  She said he told them the cancer was back and there was nothing more they could do.  She cried in my arms.  I send cards but I tell her that I'm here, and I want to call but I know it's too difficult for her right now.  Now here I go on a roll.  Bill and I are just so upset, he's such a nice guy but they are both very private.  So I guess I'm saying that if you are able to help your cousin, I think it will not only be good for him but good for you also.  I feel so frustrated not to be able to help my friend right now.

    I appreciate your feelings about caregivers too.  We're all in this together when cancer enters your life.  Thanks for your nice words also.  Now you know the real Bill and Becky Surprised

    Keep hanging in there and congrats again on a battle well fought (it had to be the pink gloves) Becky

 

BTW  Love the new curls

Joemory21's picture
Joemory21
Posts: 40
Joined: Feb 2013

Very glad you are done. As you said on day one you were going to kick cancers ass and you did it with a smile from what I can tell. 

Best of luck 

jonathan

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