Jul 29, 2013 - 11:59 pm
I lost my mom April 13th, 2012 to small-cell lung cancer. She passed after a seizure caused by a tumor on her brain. I held her hand as she left me. She was only 45. I was 24. My mom was more than just "my mom".. She was my best friend. I know people say that all the time, but I truly feel the connection I shared with my mom was so much deeper than people can understand. She was my only real friend. She knew what was wrong with me when I couldn't figure it out. She knew what I was going to say before I said it. We gossiped like best friends do. We could talk without saying a word. The day I got a tattoo (a cancer ribbon with butterfly wings) she knew I had it the moment I walked in the door. Mind you, by this point, her mind was not all there and her vision was very poor. She went through hell. She suffered tremors, thrush, nausea, etc. She had chemo & cyber-knife radiation. Her bones became so fragile that she fell and broke her back in two places. She died with a broken back and tumors everywhere... Fluid was filling her lungs and suffocating her. Memories like this hurt me beyond words. It's been a little over a year since she's been gone. But I still can't deal with it or even begin to accept it. She was the person who helped me deal with things like this. My dad suffers deeply but has found God. I attempt to talk to him about my pain, but he (unintentionally) ends up telling me how hard it is for him. I don't want him to feel like he is alone, so I just support him. The problem is, I'm so angry. I'm upset that the one person who deserved to live more than anyone in my family, the one person who loved unconditionally, who kept everyone together is gone. I'm angry I can't cal her. I'm angry my children don't have her to love them. I'm angry that I can't process this because I'm afraid it will consume me. I can't even really cry. Well, I cry but never how it should be. I can tell. It almost feels as if I cry because I'm supposed to instead of because I'm sad. But the weird part is, I'm more sad than I thought was humanly possible. I miss her every second, of every day. I live next door to her house. We worked together. I'm a pharmacy tech so I took care of her medicine. I hate dealing with any medicine she took now. I hate calling any doctor who ever saw her. I hate helping old people even. Because I wonder why they got to grow old, and she didn't. But most of all, I'm angry because I can't make this unreal. I can't change it. And I want her back so bad... I'm just so lost and lonely without her..