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Hard time with my daughter.

lp1964's picture
lp1964
Posts: 831
Joined: Jun 2013

Hi Everyone,

Yesterday something has changed in me. I just finished a long nasty divorce. We lost everything we made with 20 years of hard work, but I'm ok with that, because I started a new life and despite of my cancer I'm very happy.

During and after the divorce my ex has alienated my 15 year old daughter from me with lies and accusations and it got really bad where she didn't want to see me at all and I was thinking about getting out of her life too so she has less conflict. But I kept fighting for her and got partial custody. Things slowly started getting better, but recently it just got too much for me chasing after my daughter's time. She shows no affection for me, offers no support, everything I try to suggest to guide her she rejects. This summer she was supposed to spend more time with me, but because of my illness I missed my June week and her mother won't let me make up for it. I asked my daughter to help me, bit she made no effort and stayed very cold towards me. I realize that she is a teenager and this may pass, but I just ran out of steam.

Not too long ago I was ok to fight for her and make an effort to be part of her life, but now I'm tired. I have a lot of people giving me support here on this forum, my doctors, nurses, wife, siblings. Yesterday I realized that I cannot deal with people who don't try to help or cant handle my illness including my daughter. When I feel like each time I have to fight for her to be with me and this really brings me down emotionally and now physically Which I cannot afford any more. 

I plan to tell her this and now I'm ready to let her go if that's how it has to be.

Any thoughts?

Laz

WinneyPooh's picture
WinneyPooh
Posts: 318
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi, i have a 22 year old and a 20 year old "adult children, both my husband and and i are "seriously ill. I have stage IV rectal cancer and for over 4 years i have been actively fighting it, my husband has been sick for 12 yaers and ithas been extremely hard on him fiscially , financially, emotionally and he has not always been the best man, husband or dad concequently the kids have blamed him for not being who they expected and they blame me for not being who they me for not being who they expect me to be.  They act and behave in ways that absolutley blows my mind. It seems sometimes the more I push the hard they push away. ( In away they maybe trying to protect themself from the loss of a normal healthly parent).  I am sure it is the same in divorce.  My point is children will never act the way we expect in times of great termoil.  Give your daughter some space. let her know you love her and that you expect her to respect you but leave it up to her how much she wants to help you or see you. You stay in touch thru mail, phone and visits don't be demanding, shes to young to understand what your going thru and the more you push the less she will understand.  she will come around and be there for you. In ways she understands.  With my children I have had struggles but, I will be there for them as long as i can and to my best ability i try and explain my and their dads circumstances.  Try not to use guilt, just be a dad and she will be a daughter.This will be the hardest time for her and you but if you tell her off or even worse cut her off you will only confirm what her young brain already thinks and that is that it is better for her to shut you out, than be hurt by you. Unconditional Love is hard but as parents that what we must do.  Sick or Divorced We are Parents.  Be the best you you will feel better if you are.

 

Take care your journey will be long and hard enough leave this one to time and hang in there for her.

 

Penny

 

 

danker
Posts: 723
Joined: Apr 2012

When I learn of some of you are divorced, or lost your love to death I realize how fortunate I am.  Last month my Josephine and I were married for 56 years.  She has alzheimers and probably won;t make it to Christmas.  I was dxed in December of "09. 2010 meant 

chemo radiation  a resection of my colon an ileostomy a reversal of the ileostomy and a fistula which ended up healing itself.  But I became NED because Josephine needed me as her caregiver.  November 2012 I had to take her to a nursing home, because she required 

 

more care than I could provide at home   In a way I have already lost her since she is no longer the lady I married so long ago  I have many fond memories of the 50+good years. 

 

Cherish your loved ones while you have them.

I wish you all as many good years as Josephine and I have had.

GOOFYLADIE's picture
GOOFYLADIE
Posts: 235
Joined: Aug 2009

Your baby girl is something you need to fight for just like your willing to fight for your life.  Your daughter is young and from my perspective I have 3 boys currentlly 25, 22 and 20.  It seemed to me as my boys grew up the girls were alway a bit more mature than the boys, however, they are never to mature to lose there father or their mother.  Just hug your daughter when you have the chance and ask her if its okay to share your feelings with her about being sick.  Dont bring up her mom, be the better person, it will make you stronger in the long run.  My boys are furious right now at my husband and myself because I want a divorce and my husband does not.  I  cant tell you the last time was held, or hugged or intimate with my spouse.  My boys dont need to know that, thats not there business.  What they need to know is that we love them no matter if we are together or a part and we will always be there for them when they need us.  You need to remember your daughter is exactly that your daughter, she is supposed to lean on dad not dad lean on daughter, it does happen occasionally, but sounds like with the upheavel of divorce she is lost and torn.Dont be too hard on her she is hurting just like you.Stress makes everyone wifes, husbands, sons, daugheters grandmas grandpas it makes us all do crazy, ridiculous things, hang on to your faith in what makes you whole!

 

Hang on one more day, a little longer, a little tighter,   PUSH (PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS) couldnt hurt

Love and hugs your way, you will figure it out.

Goofyladie (Cass)

GOOFYLADIE's picture
GOOFYLADIE
Posts: 235
Joined: Aug 2009

Your baby girl is something you need to fight for just like your willing to fight for your life.  Your daughter is young and from my perspective I have 3 boys currentlly 25, 22 and 20.  It seemed to me as my boys grew up the girls were alway a bit more mature than the boys, however, they are never to mature to lose there father or their mother.  Just hug your daughter when you have the chance and ask her if its okay to share your feelings with her about being sick.  Dont bring up her mom, be the better person, it will make you stronger in the long run.  My boys are furious right now at my husband and myself because I want a divorce and my husband does not.  I  cant tell you the last time was held, or hugged or intimate with my spouse.  My boys dont need to know that, thats not there business.  What they need to know is that we love them no matter if we are together or a part and we will always be there for them when they need us.  You need to remember your daughter is exactly that your daughter, she is supposed to lean on dad not dad lean on daughter, it does happen occasionally, but sounds like with the upheavel of divorce she is lost and torn.Dont be too hard on her she is hurting just like you.Stress makes everyone wifes, husbands, sons, daugheters grandmas grandpas it makes us all do crazy, ridiculous things, hang on to your faith in what makes you whole!

 

Hang on one more day, a little longer, a little tighter,   PUSH (PRAY UNTIL SOMETHIng HAPPENS) couldnt hurt

Love and hugs your way, you will figure it out.

Goofyladie (Cass)

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2172
Joined: Oct 2011

I think it's pretty common with teens for them to pull away from both parents during adolescence, especially when divorce is involved.  When my parents split up, I only saw my dad at the holidays for several years.  It wasn't because I was angry at him or anything, it was just my self-absorption.  I didn't think to reach out to him, being a typical kid, busy with my own stuff.  I started seeing him again when I got a little older, and we developed a much better relationship.  Having cancer would only complicate that situation further, I would imagine.  I think one thing to contemplate is that your daughter is grieving right now...divorce, your illness...that's a lot for a young person to handle.  Would you consider trying family counseling?  It can be useful to have an objective third party help us figure out coping skills, ideas for how to improve things.  I would really encourage you not to "let her go".  Our kids need to hear the exact opposite...that we will stick with them no matter how hard life gets.  And believe me, as a mom of two teenage daughters (one of whom is sulking in her room at this very moment, mad at me for something or other), there are times when I feel like booting them out the front door!  It's not easy being a parent, and dealing with personal stuff at the same time, but it's when things apart that they need us most of all.

Hugs~AA

PS  When my kids start acting like jerks, I try to envision their toddler faces on those grown-up bodies.  That's basically what teens are, at least at times...just great, big two-year olds.  So it helps me to think of them that way!

Dyanclark's picture
Dyanclark
Posts: 245
Joined: Apr 2012

You have at least really tried.  I have been married twice and had two sons with my first husband.   I may of had a very bad marriage, but I would never say anything Negative to my sons about their dad,  they love him.

 It is a shame you have cancer and have to deal with a bitter x wife.  Maybe as your daughter matures she will realize you love her.  

Hugs George & Dyan

 

UncleBuddy
Posts: 513
Joined: Aug 2013

Fight for her. Can you ask another family member to talk to her? Talk to her and tell her how you feel and please, tell her you love her very much. Don't speak badly about her mom, it will only hurt her and make her angry at you. Whatever the reason for the divorce, put it aside and try to find a way to comfort your daughter. She may be pulling away because she's afraid to lose you and feels if she doesn't get too close, it won't hurt as much. Make peace with her, otherwise, she'll live her life with regrets. 

lp1964's picture
lp1964
Posts: 831
Joined: Jun 2013

A couple of weeks ago I talked to her about how important she is to me. Also I repressed the difference it makes when she shows her support. Earlier I had to tell her that besides my doctors, nurses, wife, family friends I can only deal with people who actively support me, show me love. At this point I cannot afford to have people around who always just ask, ask and demand. In the summer she spends more time with me so we are really getting closer. I wish I had this during the school year, but the divorce settlement won't allow it.

Thank you for all the support and good advise. It really made a huge difference.

Laz

Maxiecat's picture
Maxiecat
Posts: 524
Joined: Jul 2012

Glad to hear that you two were able to sit down and talk things through.  Hopefully, things will continue to be good when she goes back to school.

alex

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