Jul 21, 2013 - 3:05 am
I'd like to give just a little background on myself before I go into detail on my subject. I was diagnosed with testicular cancer when I was 18 and just about to graduate from high school. I had surgery to remove the testicle that was effected, and my oncologist recommended that I get a few short cycles of chemo to ensure that I was clear. However, I was under a lot of pressure from my family to try to go a hollistic route instead. That ended up being a horrible mistake that I will forever regret. That was in 2008, and 3 years later - all the while doing this hollistic approach that involved me entirely changing my lifestyle and taking between 40-70 supplements a day, and having an extremely strict diet - I ended up going to the emergency room due to severe pain from what we discovered were tumors that had spread to my liver, hip and spine. It was so bad that initially the hospital had determined that I might not survive for much longer. That lead into me getting inpatient and outpatient chemo all through 2011, and into 2012 when I got my final surgery in early 2012. I have also had radiation therapy, and 3 surgeries total. I can't even begin to describe the regret for that decision in 2008...
Fast forward to today (July 21 2013). I'm nearly 24 and while my cancer is gone, I am personally degrading emotionally. I feel like I've been losing myself for this entire year, and it's only getting worse with every day. I have been debating going back to my psychiatrist who I visted a few times to cope with things after my last surgery, but I really feel like it won't do me any good. There are so many things going wrong that it's overwhelming. I'm losing interest in things I used to love, I'm failing to connect with old friends, and I'm struggling to feel much of anything anymore. I'm having a hard time caring about anything - even things that should make me upset, angry, or demand a response that I remain silent on.
I'm normally a very strong willed person, but lately I am just flat out defeated; I'm shutting myself away from my family, and none of my friends really understand - not even my girlfriend. I talk to her about my troubles quite a lot, but she seems to deny that there are any problems or that this is just what I have to live with. She is there for me, but there is a gross misunderstanding and I don't know why she isn't seeing my pain. Lately I've felt so bad because I feel like I'm distancing from her as I've been seeking out new friends online who will understand my problems and offer me a shoulder to lean on.
When I was visiting my psychiatrist, we kept going on and on about how I protected my family from the things I was going through; I pretended it wasn't bothering me. I was a rock for them, while they fell apart around me. Now, I feel like I can't support myself anymore. I feel so alone, and for some reason I'm seeking out solitude. I have always enjoyed being alone or having very very few friends that I held dear, but lately it just feels like I am alone and those close friends are all gone. They don't understand what I feel - and really, I don't know if I do either. I realize it might sound strange, but I guess the best way I can describe it is I'm really looking for a personal closeness, despite being such a solitary person. I'm looking for understanding, and I have truly been so desperate for it lately.
I keep taking these psychological tests online, and they all suggest that I've got antisocial, OCD, and schizoid (not schizophrenic) tendencies. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I have not felt the same as the "old me" since after all of my treatments. Something is different, and it's just getting worse :(
I would really appreciate to hear any kind of response...I'm sorry my post was so long, but I have had so much bottling up and nowhere to vent it :(