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Try to cope with the loss

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

My wife lost her battle with lung cancer on July 3. She was told on April 16 that she had stage 4 lung cancer.During these three months we went to constant drs app.The cancer was not found until an emergency room visit when her blood work up was bad.Before that the only pain she complained about was in her hip.So she was going to an orthro to see why her hip was hurting so bad.They did an MRI and saw nothing,so they were going to do a ct scan but it never happened.It seemed they wanted to wait to see if her hip got better.That decision took a lot of time away from us because the hip was a secondary cancer site.The problem I am having is trying to live with this terrible event.My wife and I did everything together,so the thought of never seeing her again has overwhelmed me in sorrow.I do not eat or sleep,just cry and asking why?I keep waiting and hoping to see her somehow in the mirror or just sitting telling me she's ok.I do not want to live without her like this.Seeing her lying in bed in terrible pain from the cancer rips my heart out.I get these images in my head of her in pain or just being in bed and seeing what the cancer is doing to my beautiful wife.I have a beautiful picture of my wife blowing me a kiss.I sit in front of that picture talking to her telling how much I love her and how sorry I am.Everyday is terrible,the pain I feel in my heart is the worst pain ever.I cannot imagine living the rest of my life this way.I am sick to my stomach everyday.When my wife past,my life ended as well.The only problem is I am still here.The only two things that keep me together are taking care of our three dogs, and taking care of our house which she loved very much.I am having a lot of problems with living right now and comments would help.

z's picture
z
Posts: 1251
Joined: May 2009

Hello, I'm so sorry for your lost.  Your words explain how much you love your wife.  I would think your wife loves you the same.  On that note, she would probably want you to live your life and be happy.  Your dogs and house need you right now and you must stay here and live out your life with them. 

I am alone and have been since 1994, I am used to being alone and have many friends and pets.  I know losing someone so close must be so difficult.  One day at a time you must proceed and talk to your wife for guidance, I think she will come through and you'll know what she wants you to do.  I wish you well.

I hope you will put your post in the grief and berevement discussion area, as there are many there who will help you.

Lori

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

Dear Lori, Thank you for your reply,I know your right that is what she would want.She was a very strong woman,she never shed a tear,she never asked why me.I am the one who gets emotional,when I would be talking to her and would get tears in my eyes she would say man up *****.Do not cry in front of me.I know she would want me to continue on taking care of our home and our dogs.Thank you for helping me in my time of need.Day by day.I hope all the best for you,if you need a friend sometime I will be here. Bill

dennycee
Posts: 647
Joined: Mar 2011

There is no way this is anything but a family disease.  While the struggle to fight this disease is unspeakable for those of us who are fighting it there are unspeakable horrors for those we leave behind.  I have been on both sides of this disease, first as caretaker for my mom tha later with the identical diagnosis myself.  I have found it easier to be the patient.  When I am gone I know my family members will likely be questioning / torturing themselves as I did wondering if there was more I could do and memories of a body blighted by disease.   

Your animals need you.  They likely miss her, too, and have no way to understand.  As for coping, my heart aches when I imagine your pain. The only way I see respite for you is in the company of others who have experienced your unimaginable pain and loss.  Perhaps you can find a grief support group at your hospital or a local church.  

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

 Dear Dennycee, Thank you for your reply,I cannot imagine what you have been through with your mom and now what you yourself  are going through.Your right about what your family members would be thinking,because that's all I think about now.Last night I could not sleep and felt terrible because all I could see when I thought of my wife was how she looked in the bed trying to fight that terrible cancer.I sat where she past away and told her how sorry I was for all the pain she went through and I how much I loved her.The nights are pretty bad here.Your right about the dogs,they do miss her.They just look at me and are asking where is she what happened.I know you have been through  a lot of heartache and pain  a lot more then me.But if you need something,or just need a friend I will be here. Bill

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1176
Joined: Apr 2009

Griffon,

I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, am just beginning this precarious journey of grief. I lost my husband of 40+ years on May 5 of this year. While searching for other online grief support groups, I ran across this, which in my opinion, speaks volumes.

You are not alone. I discovered that Hospice Of The Valley, who provided comfort and support for my husband and family in his final hours, has an online group filled with others just like us who are lost, confused, & hurting. You might consider reading & joining some of the posts there.

They say it will get "better" in time. I don't find myself better, but each of us will have their own timeline. Just as cancer patients adapt to their "new" normal, so must we. I believe that it is what our spouses would want.

 

Wolfen

 

Unique And Devastating Loss(by Wifeless)

With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other,
partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely
loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt
the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human
bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the
ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The
one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend
and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended
on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us
as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life,
as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse,
and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as
well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them.
The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership
we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced.
The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we
never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival,
increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional
challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We
must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine
our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new
network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To
formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while
suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back.
Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death,
either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further
endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to
forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most
insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted
we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed
to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who,
just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral
support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to
complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For
nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other.
And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one
other death only. Ours.

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

Dear Wolfen,Thank you for your reply, that was beautifully written and how true it is.I thought today was going to be a better day,so I stopped by a friends house.My friend is battling cancer also but having better luck keeping it at bay for now.My wife used to stop over to their house and help them deal with it before her cancer made her so sick.She and her husband were having a disagreement over something trivial.As I sat there I realized that I will not ever have that again.Never will my wife and I disagree about something in our lives.I started to feel very sad and had to leave,as I drove through town back to our house I felt very lost in my own town.Very lost in life,very lost without my wife.  Bill

Noellesmom
Posts: 1278
Joined: Aug 2010

The world is not the same place it was before your wife died.  Where before there was safety, now it feels threatening.  Where there was companionship, there is loneliness.  Where before you were part of a unit, you are alone.  Your world has, indeed, changed and right now it feels like not for the better.  About the only positive that has happened, so far, is your wife is no longer in pain and that is cold comfort in the middle of the night.

Cancer patients often discuss finding a new normal after diagnosis and treatment.  Treatment is often physically debilitating and they must embrace all the nuances of change.  It isn't easy but because they are still alive, it must be done.

And so it is with you.  Just like the patients, grief is something you must go through.  They grieve the loss of their former selves: you are grieving the loss of your wife and neither type of grief is desirable nor easy.

Grief has many stages - Elizabeth Kubler Ross does an excellent job of describing them.  You can look her work up on line and you will find yourself, and everyone else who has suffered the loss of a loved one, described in detail.  I highly recommend everyone read this work - it is an insight into ourselves.

You are so early in the grieving process.  Unlike many spouses of cancer patients, you had little chance to do what is called anticipatory grieving - when a spouse is ill for a long time, there are preparations the mind makes even when we don't want it to that helps us prepare.  Your wife's death, and, thankfully, her suffering, was not as long as many others although that does not lessen its poignancy.

Be gentle with yourself, Bill.  Look for a grief support group, connect with friends as you are ready, exercise, get fresh air and sunshine.  You must grieve your loss in your own way.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Bill..

There is no one here that has a definitive plan to handle the heart wrenching pain associated with the loss of the person that held our hearts...

Give your self permission to take as long as you feel you need to walk though it...memories are both a comfort and a curse...in my case they were more of a comfort.

My husband passed away almost 4 yrs ago....he was diagnosed with Metastic Lung cancer first week of March and passed away at home in my arms on April 21....take comfort in knowing that you cared for your wife..you were there for her...we only had a very short time to process what was happening but for those weeks we were together 24/7..its those days that comfort me.

One thing also that helped me was a grief group our hopsice offered....a safe place to let it out the grief in a room full of folks in the same situation.

Truth be told I feel that I am still in the grief process....but no one can turn off the love and memories of 30+ years of marriage...

Just give your self time...its your process.

Many Blessings...

Pat

pegalina
Posts: 42
Joined: May 2013

Dear Wolfen, everything you wrote I feel like you took it from my heart..My husband, John was umpiring a baseball game 1 month ago & collapsed on the field..they couldnt bring him back..I'm 48(had stage 3 breast cancer 5 yrs ago..was told I'd live 1 yr)..have 2 sons..15 & 17..I lost my dad @ 19 to cancer..my mom passed 4 yrs ago..the writing that you posted is exactly how I feel..I just feel so lost & I am scared of not being able to hold on to our house financially..I do not know you but know you are an amazing person from what you wrote..reading what you wrote..I cant put into words..you said everything..thank you from the bottom of my heart

pegalina
Posts: 42
Joined: May 2013

Dear Griffon, I feel your loss..my husband John, 1 month ago was umpiring a baseball game..collapsed on the field..they couldnt bring him back..Im 48..had stage 3 breast cancer 5 yrs ago..was told i had 1 yr to live..now..my husband is gone & my 2 sons..15 & 17 are without their father..I lost my dad @ 19 to cancer & my mom died 4 yrs ago..I feel like you..so very lost...Im trying to live 1 day @ a time..very hard..I know I have to go thru all the stages..but maybe we could help each other by talking

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

 I am so sorry to hear about your husband,I am sorry for all the pain you are going through.We are both lost in a world where our lives have stopped cold.For me the pain is constant,never ending,sick to my stomach everyday.Keep asking,why did she have to die.I cry everyday,just wanting to hold her hand again,or. Look into her beautiful blue eyes.I went back to work this week,very hard,people asking questions,hard to concentrate my mind always going back to my wife.I find my self very angry now,about what could of I done more to help her.I just do not feel that I did enough to help save her.The thought that she suffered in pain is a wound that cuts me to the core.That wound will never heal nor will I allow it to.I am still not sleeping,images of my wife in bed in pain always in my head.I cannot image what you are going through with such a sudden loss.I had three months but then I watched what that terrible disease was doing to my wonderful wife.I find comfort in talking to people who can understand your pain.So if you need a friend or just some one to talk I will be here.Take care of yourself  one day at a time Bill

nempark
Posts: 580
Joined: Apr 2010

Like everyone else here I have recently suffered a great loss of my daughter.  It is now six months and I still cry everyday and feel that anxious tingle in my chest.  Pains all over my  body from stress.  I thought in the beginning that I would lie down and die, but no, that is not what she would have wanted.  Also I don't want to die.  I must stress like the other survivors here that time does help.  Grandma Fay is wonderful with giving you advice.  Everyone who reads my post, please note that " TIME DOES HEAL"  THE HURT AND PAIN DOES SUBSIDE.  Oue wonderful God did not create us to just curl up and die, we have to move on and find some peace for ourselves.  I know it is easier said than done.  You will see in time how each day will bring you closer to less pain.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda just causes more pain,(I think we all go through this, blaming ourselves and thinking that we could have done better) you did your best and your wife knew that. 

You are doing great, it's a blessing that you still have a job and still have the strength to continue working even though it will be tough in the beginning.  Stand Firm and be kind to yourself.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 42 years four years ago this October. You are just starting this grief journey. I can tell you, that for me, time has helped. That doesn't mean i am not still grieving, but the pain is less most of the time. Each of us has to find our own way to deal with the grief, and each of us must take our own time. I have learned to expect and accept the down times. They occur much less frequently now. Joining a grief group or finding a grief counselor can help you see that you are not alone in your feelings. many of us here have experienced the deep sadness that you now feel. Being alone was not in our plans. We were supposed to grow old together. We know in our hearts that our loved ones would want us to find happiness and not dwell on our loss, but it's hard. They were such a big part of our world we can't help but question how and why we are here without them. I don't know the answers. But here we are. Taking things one day at a time, or even one minute at a time isn't easy either, but sometimes that is what we have to do. Don't expect too much of yourself right now. Just do the best you can. My wish for you is that time helps you find some peace. Take care, Fay

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

Dear Fay,Thank you for reply and your kind words of hope.Since going back to work,I find that its keeps my mind occupied for a while.But I usually call my wife while driving so this has been a problem for me to deal with.She was the one I talked to when I was on the road the good,bad,or the funny what ever was going on.Now I have no one to talk to,even when I go home there is no one there.That is very hard to deal with,even one day at a time.Every morning I hope it was all a nightmare and she will be there.But sadley that's not the case.I understand what you are saying,I hope one day I will find peace.But for me right now life is terrible,I hate everyday without her. It's not life it's just going through the motions,no joy just tears and pain.Take care of yourself and I will try to do the same. Bill

david54
Posts: 114
Joined: Apr 2009

Hi Griffon-

I think it’s useful to hear from another man on the issue of loss, because for most of us, as men, we grieve differently yet hurt just as much. I lost my wife 3 years ago to stage 4 colon cancer. We were married 32 years, and I still feel her loss.  Not as intense, but it’s still there. What I have found is the sun still comes up, the clothes still need to be washed, the roof needs to be replaced, and I still have (or get) to go to work every day. You may be retired, I am not sure, but what helped me was to get busy in some work project or find someone else who needs help-a grief support group and therapy was helpful for me. You may be experiencing a degree of survivor’s guilt because again, as men, the general expectation is that our wives will outlive us.

You will still grieve, cry, pound your fists against the wall, laugh, joke, then cry, get angry, miss her, even be angry at her for leaving you (I think what a lot of us don’t dare want to admit is that we may harbor some anger against our spouses for leaving us alone when it’s okay to acknowledge that feeling).

You will think about her every day. You will remember conversations you had, perhaps even feel some regret over an argument you wish you had not worked so hard to win, that it wasn’t worth it in the big picture. You will remember the love making, how perhaps over the years you took it for granted, and you will miss hearing her breathe next to you at night. You may likely relive the incident of her diagnosis and explore what you could have done differently.  You will smile when you remember a nuance of her behavior that was unique to her!

What I’m trying to convey is what you are feeling hurts, it’s hell, but necessary.  Cancer stinks, it’s not fair.  My suggestion is to find a support group for men who have lost their wife’s-hopefully there is one in your area. It helped me not to feel so alone in my pain.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

 

David

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

Dear David, Thank you for your reply. What you say is true, Its just over two months since my wife died of of this terrible diesease.Not only being my wife for twenty five years, she was my best friend.We did everything together, so you see I am now very alone.I went to a cancer support group,it was ok.It seemed like everyone got a chance to tell your story but no real advice on how to survive this awful life now.I do enjoy talking to people who understand the kind of pain that we are going through.I am still living my life as if she was here.I call for her everyday when I come into our house,I talk to her pictures everyday,telling her what happened and what's going on. I go outside everynight and look to the stars and ask why? I am really sorry to hear about your wife. Everyone keeps telling me day by day, but when everyday is terrible there is not a good outlook for the future.I do not know if this happened to you but now I feel like I want to be left alone in my sadness and grief. I know people have good intentions, and they care but I just want to be left alone to try to survive this.I know they were concerned about me taking my own life, but I told them that would not happen because I do not believe that would get to be with my wife. Thank you very much for your reply,I appreciate a mans view on losing his wife.Take care of yourself and if you need a friend I will be here.     Bill

allan12
Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2013

am new here lost my fiance on aug 07 2013 was togrther 14.5 years and have two kids, hope the site helps but just ended up crying my eyes out at other peoples struggles. not sitting at the family table and wanting her to come through the door and make tea in 20mins rather than my 2 hours i feel the same as you and struggle to see the point in anything and it rips me in two knowing  i have to keep functioning for my girls and pretend to be strong.the pain is unbearable but my heart keeps beating 

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

Dear allan12, I am so sorry for your loss,I know the pain is terrible and life seems so cruel. I lost my wife three months ago to lung cancer.I am not the one to tell you things will get better, because my life sticks.I suffer everyday and do not want to live like this anymore. But you have two girls that need you, they will give you strenth to continue on even though your heart is broken.I still cry wanting her back,but I must take care of my family and home as she would want. All I am trying to say is you are not alone, if you need a friend I will be here.     bill

allan12
Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2013

thanks bill this site seems easier than talking to freinds or family as i know they want me to move on and pick myself up but they dont get that im not wollowing in self pity im just lost and alone where  ive always had my kate to turn too and now i dont im sure you know how it feels.

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

Feeling lost is exactly how I feel also.I am back at work now,but that only keeps me somewhat occuppied.I still think about her and what happened all the time.Sometimes it overwhelms me and I have to stop and try to get  myself together.Your right about friends they think you are just going to move on.As they move on with their lives but they do not realize that your life has stopped. Sometime people ask me how I am doing,I say terrible then they say really? That really angers me,I want to say should I be dating.Take care of yourselI, I will talk to you soon.      Bill

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

So many people just don't get it. I look back and remember when my dad died. I thought I understood what my mother was feeling, but I really didn't. My husband was my rock. Recently, I lost my mom. One of the things that hit me the hardest was that he wasn't here to help me through it. My friends and family rallied around me, but it wasn't the same. And tomorrow it will be 4 years since I lost Doug. I can, though, offer some hope. I no longer wallow for days at a time, and yes, there were times when I wallowed. That's ok. I think that is the best thing I have learned. That it is ok to feel what I feel when I feel it. It's ok if I fell apart in the grocery store the first time I went shopping and reached for something I always bought because Doug liked it. It's ok that I grieved when I needed to do so, counted the months, cried at silly things, etc. It's ok to get any help we need, too, whether that be meds or counseling. Take care of yourself and your family now. Time has helped me. I hope it helps you as well. Fay

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

My wife and I where best friends, we did everything together. We loved working in our gardens together, we went shopping together, we enjoyed being with each other.We had a lot of friends together, mostly couples. Now that she is gone I find life unbearable. I am all lone, no family, no one comes by anymore.Its just me and our dogs, which was fine when she was here with us. I understand why people stay away, they have moved on with their lives while my life has stopped. I do not want to move on,I live my life the same as it was before only hoping that one day she will come home.I work all week, then work in the gardens on sat. and clean the house on sun.This is my routine every week and people wonder why I am so miserable.I am so tired of living this life without her, I went food shopping this evening, then when I drove up to our house I sat there and cried, asking why did this have to happen to her. What did we do so wrong do deserve this. I cannot see living the rest of my life this way, it's only getting worse as time goes by.   Bill

allan12
Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2013

when i used to say the other half refering to my fiance i did not realise how spot on it was.the clock still ticks and the days go by if it werent for my kids i,d still be in bed in denial but i know she,d kick my arse in fact i hear and feel her all the time when i leave stuff lying around i go back put it away and say sorry babe,  being without her rips me in two but as much as it sucks you and me and all the others have to keep going my katie fought cancer and i was so proud of her courage and how strong she was as much as i feel i cant go on it would be an insult to her fight to just give up.stay strong bill we all greive diffrently but your right time as a healer sucks.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

Life stinks and cancer sucks. We all know in our heads that life isn't fair. I told my sons that often enough when they were growing up You would have thought I knew it. The ups, downs, forwards, and backwards of grief are hard to navigate. There are no easy answers. Grief counseling helps some. Others need meds to make it through those first few months or longer. No one can say any magic words to help. Some people say all the wrong things. There is no normal, not even a new normal. I know none of this is news to you both. Time has given me some peace. I had a tough day on October 20. My mother had passed away a month before and Doug has been gone four years. I was blessed by a church full of people who rallied around me. Some took me to lunch; others just offered me hugs. Our sons called.  The tears still came when I got home to an empty house. Yep, life stinks. On the other hand, I know how fortunate I was to have both of these two loved ones in my life. I remind myself that some never find the kind of love I did. I have been blessed in so many ways. If I had not known great love and happiness, I would not feel grief. Peace can be pretty allusive at times, but, most of the time, I have found it. Take care. Fay

allan12
Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2013

what you say is true and your possitive words have made me try to look at things diffrently on times so thank you for that, but the problem with time is it fly,s when your having fun and when your not its like someone keeps pushing rewind pause and fast forward at the same time,sorry to sound neg just cant believe so many cliches are actually true.and all the best going to the hospital bill.

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

My wife and I had the same doctors for many years.Now it's time for me to see a doctor for an yearly checkup. I cannot go back to these doctors after what happened to my wife.How they wasted time doing nothing when she was in terrible pain.I could never look at them again.I am driving two hours away to the hospital that found my wife's cancer.I am going there for another reason also,I am searching for something.I want to sit at the coffee shop in the lobby, as we would sit waiting for her radiation appointment.I want to go to shop at the food stores like we used to.My wife was a wonderful cook and she loved shopping at a fine food store. Going food shopping was the last time we were really out together, Even though she was in terrible pain all she cared about was bringing home good salad and bread and cheese to her friends here at home.That really blows me away how she cared about everyone else during this terrible time.That speaks volumes about her.I know this may be very hard on me, but its something I have to do. I do not know what I am looking for but I hope I fine it.    Bill

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

Thoughts, prayers, and cyber hugs. I have often said if I can live as well as Doug died, I will be a good person. It sounds like you may have had a similar experience. Hope all goes well with your journey. Fay 

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 334
Joined: Apr 2009

Bill:

 

I am amazed, and admire your strength! I really do. I would not be able to go back to places where I used to be with my lost one. Indeed, it's been 4 years since my Mom left me and I have not even walked on those streets where she turned around in her life. I just cannot do it. I am too weak. I know if I went somewhere where I would remember her I would fall apart again. It took 2 and a half years to 'glue myself together" again and this would be completely demolished if I ever went to those places/streets where she used to turn around. I'm just too weak, I guess. But you are so strong, I envy you. As your wife, my Mom was also like your wife, always put everyone before herself. Her life priority was to care about others and help them in any ways possible. My hope to you is that you stay strong, and that you'll realize that your wife did not leave forever. She's recovering from her pain, but in no time she'll come back in your heart and you'll never feel alone again. She'll give you advices on how to continue your path because she loves you and wants the best for you and wants you to be happy. You just have to be patient. I am not religious (although I don't judge people who are- that is good for them) but I will cross my fingers for you! Please come back here anytime you want to leave a message whether it's some good news, or a laughing one, or a sad one. This site is amazing, you'll find a "family" and will feel not that alone. I have my "family" here now...

Please take care, Bill!

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

My trip back was a lot harder then I thought it would be.As soon as I turned the car back in the direction for that two hour trip all the memories good and bad came rushing back. For two hours all I could do was keep going over in my head what had happened to her.It seems that when you are alone in a car with your thoughts,that's a tough place to be.It got better once I got there, I sat at food of all nations a fine food store that she loved to shop at.I sat at the coffee shop like we used to and looked at the empty chair across from me wishing that she was there. I went to whole foods and then to Giant and sat in the parking lot and was crying, it all became too much. I realized just how alone I am now, not only losing my beautiful wife, but my best friend also. I am always asking if I can have ten more seconds with her to tell her I love her again.But I do realize how lucky I was to be her husband for twenty five years, I just want some more time. Take care of your selfs, your friend Bill.  

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 334
Joined: Apr 2009

I wish there were visiting hours in Heaven.....:*( And you know, I often fantasize too to have one day, just one day again with my lost one....I often sit and wonder if I'll ever hear a tap on the window....to let her in. I guess that's what we all do. We dream and fantasize about them, and always and always hope that somehow we will meet them again. That this is a temporary phase and we'll meet them. I know, I do. People forget to tell us how incredibly long until our lost loved ones die in our heart too. Hang in there, Bill. And know, what you are feeling, and what you are dreaming....we all dream the same on this board. And maybe we'll meet our loved ones later down the road...maybe in another 20 years from now...maybe...:/ I'm sorry I cannot give you such a smart, and sweet answer...I'm in a constant battle with my feelings, my heart, and my head. I haven't been able to synchronize them just yet. One step at a time...it'll work! Our loved ones want to see us happy....and we will be....for them!

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grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

Memories, both, good and bad, remind us of what we are missing. As if we needed reminders! Crying is not a bad thing. It is part of the grieving process. Visiting some places we went together still can bring tears to my eyes. Unlike some, returning to church where my husband's memorial service has never bothered me until recently after my mother passed away. It is my church home, I'm part of the leadership, and it has been an important part of my healing. Now, I look at the pew seats next to me and feel alone in a crowd of people. i know I will move past this and have shared my feelings with others. Both Mom and my husband were members of the church and attended regularly. Even four years out, I am being surprised by the little things that hit me. 

You mentioned that you would have liked more time. We were married 42 years, and I can assure you that there is never enough time. I do feel my husband's presence at times, usually when I do something stupid or am worrying about some small thing. As I have said here before, he often told me to just let things go, and I try. I hear him in my head saying, " Just let it go dear, just let it go." It was his way of reminding me that time was too precious to waste on the little things. Knowing his time was short, he didn't want me wasting mine. 

ok, enough from me. I don't have any words of wisdom, just words. Take care, Fay

allan12
Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2013

sat here alone thought id check on this bored your feelings mirror mine loosing your best freind and lover is unbearable i think if it werent for the kids id stop functioning all together.i come on here to make me realise that im not alone greif must be the most selfish emotion ever yet cant stop feeling the way i do,glad you got through your ordeal and that everything was ok with your check up.g.fay is right 14yrs 25yrs 40yrs its never enough good luck to you and everyone else

 

 

 

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

I really did not think much about Thanksgiving coming up this week, until I started thinking about it. I usually only get that day off and I remember how when I got up I would come into the kitchen and Montrue would already be at work in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner. The Macys Thanksgiving Day parade would be on and I would help her with the green beans, and lifting the turkey into the oven. Now I realize how terrible this Thursday is going to be. It has already brought me to tears thinking how no longer well we have those late night turkey sandwichs that was so special every year. I hope this week goes better for everyone, I know it's going to be a bad one for me.    Bill

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1176
Joined: Apr 2009

For 40+ years, Ron was the "Chief Cook" & I was the "Bottle Washer". Thanksgiving was always special as he made "Ron's Turkey"(I even have a printed recipe). I would come up with the sides & dessert. As you say Bill, lots of late night turkey sandwiches, too.

I remember last year when he was so sick he could barely sit up, yet he sat with my son & I in the kitchen instructing us to make the perfect meal, when in fact, he couldn't even eat any of it. But he was not to be deterred.

This year, I simply could not face the thought of "Ron's Turkey" & can find little to be thankful for with the exception of my daughter's winning her latest skirmish in her battle against the StageIV Colon Cancer which she has now been engaged in for more than 5 years. So, I merely picked up a ham & some t********s for my son, grandson, & I. For the three of us, it will probably be nothing more than a dinner together, which, in itself, is a rarity.

We spent last Christmas in the hospital & although I put up a few decorations & purchased even fewer gifts, there was no joy. Again there will be no joy. I may talk myself into again putting up the tiny pre-lit tree which I gifted long distance to Ron in 2008 when I was across the country helping my daughter during early treatments. But sadly, there will be no gifts.  I barely meet expenses now, much less afford gifts. But perhaps the tree & a few of my coveted decorations will brighten the place & my attitude.

Luv,

Wolfen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

My first Holliday season was very foggy. I even ran my car into the side of my garage On Christmas Eve. Still not sure how I did that. I'm trying to look at the blessing of the season this year. Not always easy. I do enjoy spending times with sons and their families. I love being with The grandchildren. Those family gatherings always remind me that someone is missing, though. A friend at church who is facing her second Holliday season without her spouse said she thought this year was harder. Maybe that's because the fog has cleared. It is a hard time. Hang in there everyone. We are not alone. Take care, Fay

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 334
Joined: Apr 2009

I push the "ignore" button whenever Thanskgiving, or Christmas or anything like this comes up. I don't celebrate it, and I hate all the decorations that go with them. I have nothing to be thankful for, and don't even try. I usually just spend these days as no other. Studying, surfing the web when I am allowed, or just play with the others. Maybe I'm actually luckier than many of you. I have a ton of other kids whom I can play with. They are in the same shoe as I am, so we don't even have to talk about how crap our life is. We just know. Obviously, it is not the same reason but the outcome is the same. But yes, that is what I can recommend to you all who feel alone. Just go watch TV, surf the web and pretend there's no Thanksgiving, there's no Christmas. o.O Hang in there Bill! She sees you! Don't make her feel sad. :/

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 334
Joined: Apr 2009

@Bill:

I know this is a hard time for you, Thanksgiving. You may feel it's all worthless. But remember: your wife wants you to be happy! She wants to see how you're going and going and keep going....And don't forget, you'll pass this phase...just keep going! Please take care of yourself this Thanksgiving! Cook a small meal for yourself, if you drink wine, get one that you used to drink with your wife, take out her photo and place it on the table as you're consuming your meal. Talk to her, let her know that it is Thanksgiving, and although she's gone but you still know you could celebrate Thanksgiving because you definitely have something to be thankful for. Having her for so long by your side!!! That's more than plenty to be thankful for! Celebrate this with her!! Take care!

 

Doug L
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2013

I've read this thread a few times now and Griffon reminds my of myself. I lost my wife of 15 years to Leiomyosarcoma on Dec 14. She was diagnosed 5 years ago and underwent several surgeries for reoccurring tumors in her lungs.We were also told there was no cure. After returning home from Mexico at the end of April this year she went in for another scan. The scan showed fast growing tumors in both lungs along with 2 tumors on her pancreas.That was in May of this year. She refused further treatment due to the high risk and I agreed with her. I didn't want her in any hospital if at all possible.By the end of June she was having a harder time walking. I'd have to pull her legs up into the SUV.She always wanted a convertible to drive. So I bought her one. She drove it several times, top down and then only rode as passenger. She stopped be able to get out of the house around Sept-Oct. She had to use a walker and then she used her computer chair to roll from her hospital bed in the living room to the dining room where her PC was.We helped her out of bed to use a commode. We had her best friend staying with us to help and she was needed. Hospice provided all of her equipment and a nurse several times a week. My wife never complained or felt sorry for herself. She knew how it would end and she was more concerned for me & her girlfriend.One morning about 2 weeks before she passed away she woke up bright and alert.She asked for 1 egg and 2 sausgages, a real change from her usual 1/2 slice of toast.After that she asked for the phone and I asked who she was calling. She answered me that she was calling family & friends ro say goodbye to them. I was floored.She actually cared so much to call them and say gooddbye.She knew she had limited time.

I was by her  side holding her hand went she left us. I was totally crushed. I feel very fortunate to have been able to have kept her at home the whole time. I also feel honored to have been by her side when she left. I hope it made her feel safe & unafraid. She hated the pain and now she has none but I miss her so much. I'd give everything to have 10 more minutes with her but I know that would never be enough time.

Since then I've had so much trouble coping with her loss. I can't think straight sometimes.I talk to her in the car and at home. I think the mornings are worse for me. I usually wake up and start sobbing a short while later. MY grief has changed, I think I have some limited control. She was such a strong person and I liked that. We were very deeply in love , even after 15 years. She left me a letter that after reading it made me understand the depth of her love. While at home we had many long talks about the things we'd done in the past and places we had been and how much she loved me. I feel very lucky for that. I think it helped resolve any issues we may have had. She always told me she loved me forever and I'd always reply forever is a long itme. She'd reply yes but it's never long enough with you. I have so many wonderful memories I feel blessed. We were a couple...we were a kewt couple. Now there is no more couple and I feel lost and alone. Sometimes I wish someone would hold me and stroke my hair and tell me it'll be alright like a small child.

I see a grief counsellor about once every 2 weeks and plan on taking part in weekly grief sessions with other people that have had a loss. I'm fortunate in having a network of friends to fall back on and my kids have been great.They usually call me 1 or 2 times a day. I don't ever want to forget my wife but I can't function in this state of mind. I've lost other people in my life , family members,aunts uncles, lovers but nothing at all shines a light to the grief I feel losing my precious wife,my princess.

 

I'm sorry for the long post. I had many tears typing this out.

 

 

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

Dear Doug, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.I have read your post a few times which has brought tears to my eyes. I love that you bought her the convertible. She must of loved going for a ride. I am really glad that you had time to be with your wife so you could have those long talks. I was with my wife also, but she was really unable to talk because of all the meds.I did all the talking and I am sure under her breath she was saying oh my god shut up.I am still having a very hard time dealing with losing her. I really do not want to live like this without her.I was off from work this week and it was very difficult being home.I really think it has set me back, because I am very depressed now  without much hope for some kinda life without her.Just like you I talk to my wife all the time,I have blown up pictures of her in our house and I sit there every night  and talk to her.It sounds like you have good support from friends and family, I am gald, that will help during this terrible time.I wish I could give you some good advice,but I cannot because I am having a very hard time also.Just remember you are not alone and if you need a friend I am here for you.Take care of yourself and your family.      Bill

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

It's now almost 8 months since my beautiful wife has died. I cannot believe it has been that long since I have seen her. Time has not healed that terrible pain I feel that makes me cry and scream out her name. Knowing that I am going to have to be alone for the rest of my life without her is a future I do not want. Facing everyday life with the problems that come with it has become very difficult. Life  keeps moving, but has left me behind. I do not want to move on, I do not want to ever forget. I sometimes realize when I am walking in a store that people see me and I have a very angry look on my face. It's only because I am very unhappy, I cannot put on a happy face and tell people I am ok. They might not understand, but my life sucks. I hope you are all doing better then me.    Bill

soul-mate's picture
soul-mate
Posts: 53
Joined: Feb 2014

I'm so sorry to see you're struggling to move on I wish you better times ahead . Read my reply to random musings and feel free to use csn mail to me if you need a friend with ears. You probably wonder about subject title,a race car driver focuses on what's ahead and not what's behind. After the loss of our son we struggled and still have moments after 6.5years so don't feel that your feelings will go away anytime soon. We found golfing was a great place for therapy in dealing with the grief. You focus on the game, meet people and gets you out. It helped us immensely to move ahead. Now my wife is dealing with advanced cancer and focusing on best quality of life is of the utmost importance at this time. I'm fortunate to be retired to care for her 24/7at home and making the most of every day. This site is a great place to use as you have friends galore that listen and care.Bye for now and take care.

 

SOUL-MATE

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1176
Joined: Apr 2009

There are times when each day flies by, & others that seem endless. That is the "nature of the beast" of grief, I suppose. For me, my time clock is turned upside down. I no longer sleep at night, only during the day & for short periods. I have tried meds, but to no avail. I spend a great deal of time in this stupid fog that surrounds me. Fortunately, the only person I am harming is me, as no one else depends on me. I am a loner & very seldom leave the house. So different than traveling around, eating out, enjoying life. I am merely existing until the day I can see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Be well, my friend.

Wolfen

Griffon
Posts: 17
Joined: Jul 2013

I read unique and devestating loss again that you had posted earlier. I understand it more now then I did months ago. How true it is in all the emotions and feelings that you have to deal with. I find myself struggling with life right now, it might be with spring coming since we were both avid gardeners. My wife never liked cut flowers, so when ever flowers were the gift to give, I would buy her a plant.Now some of those plants are coming back and that makes me sad. How I wish she would come back. Thank you for your posts, it's helps to read and understand what you are going through which helps me to survive this difficult life we both have now.  Take care of yourself, your friend Bill

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 334
Joined: Apr 2009

Hey Wolfen, Griffon and all of you:

I think Spring is hard on everyone....because when Spring comes the plants are "waking up" and are becoming more alive. The birds start to show up and chirping, the days are light for longer period of time, and it is nice and sunny. Or at least with me, Spring reminds me life. And of course I am thinking how many wonderful things my loved one misses having died so soon. But I also am aware that if I want my loved one to be happy, I have to live accordingly. And that what motivates me to move on, and try to find the good in everything, and try enjoy everything small good things that comes along. That is what I am focusing...that is my car race...

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