Jun 04, 2013 - 4:25 am
Have had some ongoing symptoms of back pain that weren't settling in their usually way so went back in last Thursday for an mri to have a look and my cancer has returned with a vengeance. There is a mass in front of the sacrum invading into theneural tube where the spinal cord passes and pressing onnerves there. Also another mass inthe lumbar vertebrae which is the first sign of the cancer spreading by blood vessels. Hadimmediate opinions to see if they could decompress some of the spinal areas but feel it is too entangled and won't do much. Ended up self discharging and going on a weeks holiday with the familya nd lots of pain killto get get some space and make some decisions.
I am functionally much mdisabled led very quickly with more pain and weakness in my remaining left leg (right leg amputated last sept to control previous recurrence for those rather don't know). Saw more surgeons and oncology yesterday and there is offer of chemo- prob cetuximab and irinotecan- notdone either with stats that could delay or slow progresses in 45% and shrink it in 15% with issues of side effects. Initial reactiis was no but havIng week away with kids and family have decided to give it another fortnight to optimise all I can do to control pain and get functioning again and then decide is it worth it. If I got signficant side effects now on top of all else I woul dprobably give up quite quickly.
Prognosis impossible- probably months to a year so going to medically retire and focus on finding those moments of pleasure and joy we all treasure ESP with family. Had a lovely wine soaked (on top of diazepam and morphine) lunch in the sun yesterday after hospital appointments with the wife which we loved and then I rested and watched the French open tennis with the kids. Life isn't over- and I still plan to live every moment but feel taking control this time may be about knowing a lot more of what is important (coming up ten years on this battle) rather than accepting treadmill treatment at whatever cost. Head spins from quite together to whirlwinds that I am sure we all recognise but the kids don't let you stay that way for long.
Feel sad as much as all else- a month ago I was up ontoprosthesis, working full time, pushing forward with aims and goals and all that has shifted. But shifting isn't the same as giving up- just an adaptation. Strangely I also still don't think I regret choosing the radical amputation- at the time it was right, gave mesome good time and I'm pretty sure things wouldn't be much better even with that leg attached. Regrets really have no place here.