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Funny Bonz IV

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised, that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying, for example:

The hairdryer;

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

 

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The
little boy nodded in the affirmative. 

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
or lose together as a team?'
 
The little boy nodded 'yes'. 
 
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an
out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
or call him a p**ker-head, d**khead or a**hole. Do you
understand all that? ' 

The little boy nodded 'yes' again. 

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so
another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb a** or
s**thead" is it?' 

The little boy shook his head 'NO'. 'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and
explain all that to your grandmother!'

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

A man was sitting alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead  sitting at the next table whom he had been checking out.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards him.  Reflexively he reached out, caught it in mid air and handed it back to her.

"Oh my, I am so sorry!" she said as she popped it back into place.  "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together followed by drinks and the theater thoroughly enjoying each others company.  They talked and laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.  It was as though they were meant for each other.

As the evening came to a close she asked if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps stay for breakfast.  They had a WONDERFUL time.

The next morning she cooked a gourmet breakfast complete with all the t********s, he was amazed, everything had been so incredible.

"You know" he said "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

'No," she replies..........

She said.............................

 

(The suspence is killing you isn't it?)

 

 

 

"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

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MDCinSC
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Joined: Feb 2013

But I love it!

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alice124
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Joined: Mar 2012

Gary - adding to Grandma theme:

__________________________________________________

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'


Grandma replied, 'Honey, my old TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ....I'm happy with my old TV as my boyfriend.'


Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started banging the backside of the TV with her hand, hoping to fix the problem.


The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open

the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'


The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
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Joined: Feb 2013

Loving it!

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009
Two Wisconsin men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost inaudible, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.”

Craig continues slowly sipping his beer - then thoughtfully says,

 

“You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”

 

 

 

 

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MDCinSC
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A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong, father?

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

During an audit by the IT department it was discovered that a blonde secretary was using the following for her password;

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said;

"Helllooo!  It has to be at least eight characters and include at least one capital."

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013

If you don't hear from me again, you'll know what happened!

A blonde calls her boyfriend, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says..... "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger; second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, and then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".

BLKJAK
Posts: 108
Joined: Apr 2013

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

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Texas_wedge
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Joined: Nov 2011

 

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
 
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
 
 
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
 
- Eleanor Roosevelt
 

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement

 

- Mark Twain
 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
 
- George Burns

 

 
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

 

- Victor Borge
 

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

 

- Mark Twain

 

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

 

- Socrates
 

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

 

- Groucho Marx

 

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

 

- Jimmy Durante

 

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

 

- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

 

- Alex Levine

 


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

 

- Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

 

- Spike Milligan

 

 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

 

- Joe Namath

 

 
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

 

- Bob Hope

 

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

 

 
- W. C. Fields

 

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

 

 

- Will Rogers
 

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

 

 
- Winston Churchill

 

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

 

 
- Phyllis Diller 

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

 

- Billy Crystal

 

 
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

 

 

garym's picture
garym
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I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........

Coincidence?? 



Alabama beat Arkansas

and they fired the coach.



Alabama beat Tennessee

and they fired the coach.



Alabama beat Auburn

and they fired the coach.



Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...



Makes ya wish the White House had a team doesn't it?

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MDCinSC
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Joined: Feb 2013

Just the House thanks! Wink

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However,he now had a problem how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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garym
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A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love.

The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.

Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

garym's picture
garym
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A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer.

At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that, as an act of contrition, he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.

"Just then Father Norton hit the shot of his life, the ball shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you allow him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

 

 

 

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garym
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1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.. ~ George Brett

3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Wiese

9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells

15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman

18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Nice collection Gary and I've never heard any of them before - wish I had your sources.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be  barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a  pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw that it was good.


On the third day, God created the cow and said,  "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed that it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat,  sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only  twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave  back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the  grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

There is no need to  thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service. 
 If you are looking for me, I will be on the front  porch
 
yelling at the kids to get off my lawn.

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change

when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only$4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?

A mere child!

Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.

Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.

I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,

and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,

like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now?

A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!

It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now?

I checked my keys and tried another.

Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the

purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.

Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say

ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,

relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!

My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,

only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,

and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.

All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,

and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.

I walked back out to the truck,

and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.

He was holding up a drink and a bag.

His mother explained,

"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:

"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.

Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.

And no, I told the officer, I'm nottoo old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T. they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

 

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Djinnie
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Joined: Apr 2013

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.


"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

No problem...

 

 http://devour.com/video/how-to-open-a-beer/

 

 

Cheers my friends!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

 

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same  time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

 

 

Dr. Smith was the  psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr.  Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.  The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

 

 

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.  This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read  Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.  Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.

 

 

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good.  Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable  again!  So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.  Freaks and Cheeks - still no good.  Loons and Moons - forget it.  Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith  and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends. 

 

 

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a self-serve petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"?
inquires the Irishman.

"They support my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.


"Jaysus", says the Irishman,
"Mercedes tinks of everything!".

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alice124
Posts: 881
Joined: Mar 2012

Here's my donation to the smile cause:

 

ITS JUST ME AN' LEROY
A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25... feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: Me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. You see with the government sequestering, they are not buying any more trees so Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy

 

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Not a Mercedes...but here's my vanity plate...2 TT U...tell me what it says and I'll tell you what I drive

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Texas_wedge
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Joined: Nov 2011

Not like you to tease Alice, Gary!

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I mostly "DRIVE" my wife crazy Wink

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alice124
Posts: 881
Joined: Mar 2012

I know you're not a Texas Tech alumnus, so I'm going to guess that you drive an Audi TT, probably two Audi TT''s. I'm guessing  the "TT U" part translates "to tease you", perhaps referring  to your wife? How off am I?

 

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Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Alice

2 (to) TT (tease) U (you) was Gary's warning to look out for his trick answer - what he drives - is:  [drum roll]  his Wife crazy.

Gary, I hope I didn't play too much of a spoiler by casting my cloak over the puddle for the lady, but it didn't actually compromise your driving your joke home, did it?  [boom, boom]

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garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

American made in Kentucky

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the heck not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A woman is in bed having sex with her husband's best friend, when the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

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garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

Two naked clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off.

The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.

 

 

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MDCinSC
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013

That hurt! Tongue Out

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GSRon
Posts: 1306
Joined: Jan 2013

OK, not a funny per say.. but a great motorcycle video.. almost an hour long.. so get out the popcorn..   This event was only done the one year.. hope you enjoy it... (or not..)..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rWcNTDNxIk

Cheers..!

Ron - 7 weeks until I head to the IOM..!  :)

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

SEX AT 79…..
>      I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
>      informing me that I can have sex at 79.
>      I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
>      So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
>      And it's the same side of the street. I don't
>      even have to cross the road!
>      ~~~~~
>      Answering machine message,
>      "I am not available right now,
>      but thank you for caring enough to call.
>      I am making some changes in my life.
>      Please leave a message after the beep.
>      If I do not return your call,
>      you are one of the changes."
>      ~~~~~
>      Aspire to inspire before you expire.
>      ~~~~~
>      My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
>      ~~~~~
>      Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
>      ~~~~~
>      Blessed are those who can give without remembering
>      and take without forgetting.
>      ~~~~~
>      The irony of life is that,
>      by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
>      you're not going anywhere.
>      ~~~~~
>      God made man before woman so as to give him time
>      to think of an answer for her first question.
>      ~~~~~
>      I was always taught to respect my elders,
>      but it keeps getting harder to find one.
>      ~~~~~
>      Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
>      ~~~~~
>      The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
>      "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
>      severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
>      and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
>      are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the
>      Pledge of Allegiance?"

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
MT. VERNON , TEXAS , *****HOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

 In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions  at their church.  Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the *****house and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike,

the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the

church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented...

"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from
the paperwork, that we now have a *****house owner who staunchly

believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bulls**t!"
garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf
clubs for his Saturday game.

His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long
period of silence she finally speaks.

“Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think it's
time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your
clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club.”

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?”

He replied, ”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, ”I wasn't.“

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A different twist...very funny

Http://vimeo.com/61886386

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

For all my
grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby

reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile

dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,

warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful

and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life

and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I

stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she

does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,

shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the

bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the

manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What

was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a

preposition, because we could end up with a dangling

participle ...

 

aditya_fighter
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2012

A journalist goes to Russia for documentary.
In a little village he sees an old man and asks him:
Can you tell me your most beautiful memory in this village ?

The old man smiles and starts his story:-
One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka and look for the goat. When we finally found her, as of tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village got their turn to do the goat. We had so much fun that day!

The journalist thinks it would be quite inapropriate to publish such a story so he asks the old man if he doesn't have another story.

The old man smiles again and says:

Once, my neighbour's wife got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then go look for her.  As of tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn with the neighbour's wife. We had great fun !!

Journalist: Ummm... Don't you have anything umm...sadder ?

The old man acquires a very sad expression and says:

One day I got lost in the mountains......

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

We haven't heard from you for absolutely ages - I hope you haven't been lost in the mountains!

How are you doing these days?

aditya_fighter
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2012

Thanks TW for remembering me.

I was lost in the mountains for a while but Russians did'nt find me.

Well, I am good these days. I would like to be very brief on this thread.

Diagnosed with mRCC May/12, Left Radical Nephrectomy May/12, Mets to lungs, put on Votrient 400 mg OD, tolerated well, visited MD Anderson Sept/12, Advised to continue with Votrient, however, Votrient lost efficacy Jan/13, detected one met in L5 and one in brain Feb/13, radiotherapy for L5 and Gamma knife surgery for brain met Mar/13. Stopped Votrient, put on Sutent 50 mg OD, tolerating Sutent reasonably well, completed 3 cycles, latest scan shows reduction in size and activity of met in L5, mets in lungs and brain have become inactive. General condition is good, slight pain in back so moving with a lumbar support. God is the saviour.

Cheers!!!! Guys!!! Now the humor

Ever wondered why men are'nt allowed to run advise in love columns in magazines and newspapers. Had they been, such would be their responses.


Anonymous:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about 2km from home n my car engine started 2 overheat so i had to turn back and get another car. When i got home i found my husband in bed with our maid. I don't know what to do now. Please help.

Reply:
Dear anonymous.
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburetor. U need to check your oil and water level in your engine b4 u start your journey. U must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. Hope this helped you...!!

 

Aditya

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

We have found thr goat...where will it go from here? Smile

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013

Laughing

Actually, it hits too close to home! Tongue Out  Very funny Gary!

Michael

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Alexandra
Posts: 1271
Joined: Jul 2012

 

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 881
Joined: Mar 2012

texting

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband's reply, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

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