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What do I do???????

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi Everyone,

It has been a while since I have been on but I need some advice from my pink sisters.  I have a friend who has ovarian cancer that went to her lung and is now in her brain.  I call her home and just get the machine.  I call her phone and the voice mail box is full.  I text and no one answers.  I know she is in the last stage of her life but I feel so shut out by her husband.  I've stopped by before (she lives about 40 minutes away) but that was before it went to her brain.  The last time I saw her was two weeks ago.  I'm afraid she is going to die and I won't get a chance to say goodbye.  I know this is a difficult time for the whole family but I just want to see her one last time but I don't want to intrude on the family.  What do I do????  I'm not even sure her husband will call us if something happens.  He is a bit of a loner and has not asked for help, no children and family is kind of estranged.   It is a sad situation and I just want to be there for her.  Advice?

 

Terry

ladyg's picture
ladyg
Posts: 1577
Joined: Apr 2010

if you feel in your heart that you should see her then that's what you should do. It may be that she will not know you but at least you know you were there. If her husband is a loner and the family is estranged he may want someone to visit but does not know who or how to ask. Also, if she is that close to the end she may be in hospice care. All you can do is try. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you get to see your friend.

Hugs,

Georgia

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

First, I want to say how sorry I am to read of your friend's condition now.  I know this is heart breaking to see someone you love so much to slowly be slipping away. 

I would start sending her cards, just hello cards or miss you cards or just something silly to start, and, send them often.  I wouldn't send anything that would be a downer.  See if that sparks anything. When I was first diagnosed, I had so many cards and letters sent to me and they meant the world to me.  I still get them, just not as many.  Also, contact her husband directly if you can, outside of the home.  Talk to him about how you would like to see her, at least one more time, if that would be acceptable and possible.  If this is her last stage of life, perhaps he doesn't want to share her with anyone else. 

How was she 2 weeks ago when you saw her? 

Also, I am not a texter and I don't even use my cellphone that often. We have a landline that I usually use.  Sometimes technology is so impersonal.  Hand written notes, a card that someone took the time to pick out mean so much more.  Or, take some pretty spring/summer flowers to her. 

We had a very close friend that died of cancer.  At the end, his wife only wanted their children, her sister and us there.  She wanted his final time to be quiet and private. 

I hope you get to see her again, I truly do.  And, know that I am deeply sorry and will be praying for her.

With hope,

Kylez

Rague
Posts: 3257
Joined: Aug 2009

IF you know that there is no family checking up on her in addition to her husband, if you are really concerned for her health or possible neglect, my first thought would be to call law enfocement in her area and ask for a 'health and welfare check' to be done.

That said - the kindest thing for her and yourself might be instead of saying 'Goodbye' might be to keep her in your heart and cherish all the times you had together - keeping those golden memories where they belong in your heart, unscathed by today's hardships.

When Mom died 34yrs ago, we restricted all visitation by everyone who knew her.  (She died from the almost life long ravages of anorexia which had been preceded by bulemia.)  We (including her) wanted those who did not have to go through the end to have their last memories of her as the person she had, not what the end times of the disease had done.  We knew that those who really cared would be with her in 'heart and soul' and remember the person she had been not what she had become.  So for the last approx 6 weeks of her life she was surrounded by the love of family - all be it a very small family.  There was Daddy, my brother, my hubby, our 2 sons (ages 1 & 2) and me.   Hubby was stationed 300 miles away but when we knew it was only a matter of a few weeks, the boys and I went home to stay to help them and every week end that hubby didn't have duty, he'd drive down to be with all of us.

Keep her in that very special place where times are not sad/hard.  One thing I do when remembering ones who are no longer physically here, is I will get a flower that they had loved and go down to the creek in a quiet serene spot and gradually pull each petal off one by one, with each petal a different memory will arise, then I qently lay it in the water as it goes on it's way with thoughts for the person.  I also will write little notes when I see something pretty or funny/happy and then I will put them in my God Box along with a bit of native sage and burn them - the sage help the smoke to carry the messages aloft.  (It also helps with releasing negative feeling when they arise to write them down and burn with some sage to send thoses messages to the Higher Power -  but don't mix the 'good' and the 'bad' together.)

Winyan - The Power Within

Susan

smalldoggroomer's picture
smalldoggroomer
Posts: 1181
Joined: May 2010

I can't advise you as to what to do. But if she is not responding maybe she can't. Is there a relative or neighbor or any one you can call that lives around her that could give you some information.  You could send the sheriff to do a wellness check on her. I will say a prayer for her.

susie09's picture
susie09
Posts: 2933
Joined: Jul 2009

I am just adding more prayers and support!

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

Thank you my friends for your advice.  I had left a message on the home phone today and her husband fiinally called me this evening and left a message.  I know he must be in that bad place where he needed to vent.  He told me everything in the voice mail.  It was not good news.  She is sleeping all the time (I know the brain swells and this happens) and he said she probably wouldn't know if I was there.  He said these have been the worst two weeks of her life and his as well.  By the way the reason they even found the brain cancer was because her chemo for her lungs wasn't working and she was going to go on a trial.  They did the scan and found the brain cancer.  When I saw her two weeks ago before she saw the doctor to get the results she was in a state of anxiety and fear.  She weighed all of 82 pounds (she is petite but she is skin and bones now).  Her husband said she hardly eats and is dehydrated.  When she has her final radiation tomorrow she is going to get IV fluids.  I know if her kidneys shut down that is it.  I just think her poor little body is done and can't take anymore.  He said he would call me again over the weekend.  I called and left him a message thanking him.  I think he knew it he had to let us know the end is near.  I told him to call me if he needed to talk.  I guess that is what I need to do now, be there for him if he needs me.  Please say a prayer.  Thanks again for your support and advice.  I'll keep you posted.

Terry

Pink Rose
Posts: 495
Joined: Nov 2012

Praying and please keep us updated.

Hugs, Rose

New Flower
Posts: 3914
Joined: Aug 2009

I havewas have been missing you.

what I found that messages help, even nobody picks up the phone they are have been listened and provide comfort. Even he could not talk to you he appreciates your support and care.

i hope she gets fluids and feel at peace and loved. It is very sad.

hugs

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

Your're right, be there when he needs you.  I am glad he called you so you knew what was going on with your friend.  I'm praying for your friend and her husband and sending a big hug to you.

 

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

Ofcourse I will say a prayer.  Just so sorry...

 

Lex

survivorbc09
Posts: 4378
Joined: Jun 2009

So sad.  I am glad that you did get that call.  It lets you know how she is doing now, even though it is not good news.  Keeping you and your friend and her family in my prayers.

Hugs, Jan

Candi Cane
Posts: 161
Joined: May 2013

I really hope you and your friend can get together.  I can tell how important this is to you.

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

Thank you for all the heartfelt replies.  I really appreciate it. 

((hugs))

Terry

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3295
Joined: Oct 2009

Terry, your friend is in my prayers and I hope that her husband will keep you updated.  Hoping even more that you will get a chance to see her.

Keep us updated,

Debby

Ritzy's picture
Ritzy
Posts: 4384
Joined: Aug 2009

You know that I am praying, praying as hard as I possibly can. 

Sue :(

survivorbc09
Posts: 4378
Joined: Jun 2009

Terry, has her husband called you again or have you called him to see how she is now?  With the other sisters, I am hoping that you can go visit her.

Hugs, Jan

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi Everyone,

He has not called back but I am going to call again tomorow and see if I can get an update.  The phone goes to voice mail but hopefully he will call me back.  I'll keep you all posted.  Thanks again for all the prayers.

 

Terry

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

Glad you're calling!  I am hoping!

Lynn Smith
Posts: 1265
Joined: Mar 2011

You need to see her even if she's not alert.She'll know you're there and that means alot. I sorta had a situation.A guy I had dated was killed in Viet Nam.My fear was always he might not make it,Of course when they go over none of us know.But when they're killed you never get over it. My husband supports me by taking me to the cemetery and put flowers on his grave and also for his family. Myhusband also goes online and reads about where my friend was killed,how and also the unit he was in.The guy I dated was in the Army my husband in the Marines but they were brothers.  

I think you'll feel alot of guilt if you don't go see her.It means alot to her and you.She'll know even if she can't respond. I don't think the husband's called back yet like he was going to do. IMO I would go see her just for closure.I wish I could have said things I wanted to say to the guy I dated.I would feel so much better.You'll always live with it and regret,I know first hand. Don't let that happen to you.

This has brought tears to my eyes because I lived it and still do. Go you won't get a second chance. Don't live with the pain I've lived with for so many years. It's very very hard.

Lynn Smith

 

  

June Bugs
Posts: 169
Joined: May 2013

Hoping you get to talk or see your friend today.

June

JJDS
Posts: 259
Joined: Apr 2013

This is so hard on you and I really pray that her husband will call.  Good luck!

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

It is so sad that you've suffered this loss.  I am very sorry for you and for her family.

Peace and prayers,

Megan

JJDS
Posts: 259
Joined: Apr 2013

So sorry about your friend passing on. 

Hugs, JJ

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

I called on Thursday to see how my friend was doing.  Her husband called me back yesterday to tell me she died yesterday morning.  I'm so sad.  She was so young, not even 50.  I am glad I saw her three weeks ago when she was still able to talk and I was able to comfort her  She had stopped eating and drinking and was in the hospital on Tuesday, but was brought home to die.  She didn't want to die in the hospital.  Her husband is honoring her wishes of no funeral or obituary.  She did however give her Mom permisson for a Memorial Service.  I said I would speak if they need me to.  i'm going to miss my lunch buddie.  She suffered a lot the past few weeks and I'm glad she is out of pain and in a better place.  Life is not fair, i'm devistated.  Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. 

 

Terry

coco2008's picture
coco2008
Posts: 406
Joined: May 2013

Terry, I'm so sorry.  Know my thoughts and prayers are with you and her family.  God bless you all and give you comfort and peace.

Lynne P
Posts: 165
Joined: May 2013

I am sorry Terry.  My sympathy to you and her family.

Lynne

Ritzy's picture
Ritzy
Posts: 4384
Joined: Aug 2009

My deepest sympathy.  Thank you for letting us know Terry.  I pray your memories will help you get through this rough time.

Sue

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

I'm very sorry Terry.  Thinking of you and your friends' family.

Hugs, Angie

Noel's picture
Noel
Posts: 3101
Joined: Apr 2009

I know this hurts Terry and I am so sorry.  It is hard to lose someone you love.  My heart goes out to you and her family.

With sympathy,

Noel

Josie21
Posts: 337
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi Terry,

I am so sorry your friend passed away.  She was so young, and it just confirms that life is definitely not fair. 

Hugs to you,

Ginny

DianeBC's picture
DianeBC
Posts: 3888
Joined: Jun 2009

You have my sympathy also. 

Hugs, Diane

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

Thinking of you Terry..

Hugs, Angie

New Flower
Posts: 3914
Joined: Aug 2009

Dear Terry,

 I am very sorry for your loss. Your friend is free of pain and suffering watching over you.

Hugs

Olga

Pink Rose
Posts: 495
Joined: Nov 2012

I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend.

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

I'm so sorry Terry..

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3295
Joined: Oct 2009

Praying for peace for you Terry and her family.  Life isn't fair!

Hugs, Debby

jnl's picture
jnl
Posts: 3873
Joined: May 2009

Wish I could do more than just say how sorry I am for your loss.  I am here for you as the others.

Leeza

Kristin N's picture
Kristin N
Posts: 1969
Joined: Mar 2009

I'm so sorry ...

Candi Cane
Posts: 161
Joined: May 2013

The words I am sorry do not seem like enough for your loss, but, I am very sorry.  Hold the memories of your dear friend in your heart and she will always be with you.

 

Pink Rose
Posts: 495
Joined: Nov 2012

Thinking of you Terry.

Hugs, Rose

Lynne P
Posts: 165
Joined: May 2013

My sympathy and I hope this loss is somewhat easier to bear now.  It is so tragic.

Hugs, Lynne

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3295
Joined: Oct 2009

I'm so sorry Terry.

Big hugs, Debby

jnl's picture
jnl
Posts: 3873
Joined: May 2009

Sending my deepest sympathy and lots of cyber hugs!

Lynne P
Posts: 165
Joined: May 2013

I am very sorry..

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

Even though you knew this would happen, it doesn't make it any easier.  I feel so sorry for you and her family.  I'll say a prayer for all of you.

Sorry this is late,

Lex

Candi Cane
Posts: 161
Joined: May 2013

My sympathy for your loss.  We lost a friend, as it seems many do anymore, to cancer. 

 

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

How are you doing Terry?  Everyone is so sorry and are thinking of you.

Hugs, Megan

JJDS
Posts: 259
Joined: Apr 2013

To lose your friend, I am so sorry.  I am sending my deepest sympathy for her husband, family, and, to you, her friend.

 

DianeBC's picture
DianeBC
Posts: 3888
Joined: Jun 2009

Thinking of you Terry and hoping you will post a new update as to how you are doing.  I am so sorry..I know you're hurting.

Cheryl S
Posts: 82
Joined: Jun 2013

I was so sad for you when I first read this post and so sorry for the loss of your friend.   I wondered how you are doing now and how your friend's family is.  Has the healing begun at all?  Have you been able to stay in touch with her husband?  I  still pray for you.

Cheryl

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