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So angry...

ComfortablyNumb
Posts: 38
Joined: May 2013

Hi.

 

I was diagnosed earlier this month with breast cancer. I start my treatments next week, and I am absolutely terrified.

 

This entire thing feels like a giant nightmare, and I just want out of it. I'm beyond angry that this is happening, and I feel absolutely alone. I can't tell anyone how i really feel, because it will just hurt their feelings. It's gotten to the point where I don't even see a point in continuing this whole thing.  I just don't want to do it, and most of the time I don't even see the point.

 

I don't know what to do, i don't want to die but i don't want to live like this either.

1surfermom's picture
1surfermom
Posts: 259
Joined: Mar 2009

Receiving the news that you have cancer can bring on all sorts of emotions. I understand that you are angry, I know that I felt that way. It takes time to process. What type of treatment will you be starting next week? Have you had surgery?  You will find that this is an amazing board filled with kind and knowledgable people who get it and are here to support. Love Surf

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5257
Joined: Oct 2010

you have come to the right place to vent, ask for advice and get first hand information. We all handle things differently. There is NO right or wrong way.

I am thinking of you..

 

Denise

Heatherbelle's picture
Heatherbelle
Posts: 1218
Joined: Jun 2010

Breast cancer is not a death sentence. Chemo sucks. Alot, but it is doable. If you cant talk to your friends and family about your feelings, come here and talk, or find a support group or cancer center in your city, or even see a counselor. I am of the belief that regular counseling sessions should be an integral part of breast cancer treatment, because there are so many emotions to process in such a quick timeframe. Browse through the boards on here, ask any and all questions. Knowledge is power. You CAN do this. 

xoxo

heather

Cheryl S
Posts: 82
Joined: Jun 2013

Everything with cancer sucks!  I am sorry that you're feeling this way and I hope that you'll seek some help, counseling, therapy, a support group, something to help you through this.  I always believe that no one is alone.  There has to be someone out there that you can turn to.  Looks like this site is great too, so, I hope it helps you also.

Good luck

Marcia527's picture
Marcia527
Posts: 2731
Joined: Jul 2006

But I took it because otherwise I'm sure I wouldnt be here today. 

Have you talked to your oncologist about this? Maybe they can give you something to help if you are depressed.

 

Do you have someone close to you that could go with you? You shouldn't drive home anyway. I had various people going with me.  Once it was my husbands boss' wife. Husband went several times , My sister came from out of state and went with me. We had just moved to the area five months earler so not a lot of people I knew. 

Hugs.

Marcia

ComfortablyNumb
Posts: 38
Joined: May 2013

Thank you for the responses. I do feel a little bit better today. Part of the problem was that I spent yesterday morning calling different government agencies to try and get some financial help, and I was turned down by everone. It is really disheartening to know that my own government isn't able to help me.

To answer a few of the questions, I have not had surgery. My doctor is saying that because of the size and placement of the tumor that he wants me to do chemo first to try and shrink it, and that there is a chance that way he won't have to perform a full mastectomy. 

I have told both of my doctors, as well as the nurse and the social worker that are following me that I have been extremely depressed since my diagnosis (i've had depression and anxiety problems since I was a teenager) and they've said they're going to refer me to a psychologist, but that there is a waiting list and they don't know when i'll be seen. 

My husband has taken my treatment days off work to go with me, but I have a difficult time opening up to him because he lost his mom to cancer last year (different kind) so this has been very difficult on him too, and I don't want to add to his problems by telling him how i've been feeling. Same goes for my mom, who is currently hospitalized with a fractured pelvis. She has her own things to deal with, and I don't want to unload my problems on her. 

I'm 30 years old, and it's very difficult to find anyone who has a response to this whole thing other than "I'm so sorry! If there's anything I can do please call" It's not something the average 30 year old knows how to process, especially when it's happening to them. 

I've already postponed treatment once (they wanted me to start the week after they diagnosed me, and 3 days later I had a complete breakdown once the shock wore off and they postponed it. This was two weeks ago) and i'm afraid i'm gonna freak out again, and I have no idea how to keep that from happening. 

JJDS
Posts: 259
Joined: Apr 2013

Isn't there another phychologist that you can see?  You shouldn't have to wait as you need to see someone now.  Contact the ACS, maybe they can help you out.  Having bc is horrible, for all of us, and we go through so many emotions.  We do understand.

Praying for you, JJ

Marcia527's picture
Marcia527
Posts: 2731
Joined: Jul 2006

Our insurance paid for most of my breast cancer costs but not all. We still had deductibles and co-pays. The hospital bill which included the radiation part was the largest . They waited till treatment was over to bill me. I called the financial office and they set me up to make payments with no interest. For some reason the insurance paid the chemo . All I had to pay was the co-pay to the oncologist . We were able to pay the surgeon ourselves but you could check if yours will accept payments. 

 

Someone suggested calling ACS. Their phone number is on this site I think. You can also try searching online, which you might have already done.

hugs.

Marcia

P.s. I had four chemo treatments of a/c before surgery and four chemo treatments of Taxol after surgery. It was either Taxol or Taxotere. I had tumors of 6cm and 3cm. Diagnosed in 2003.

jnl's picture
jnl
Posts: 3873
Joined: May 2009

Glad you're feeling better!  I hope you continue to feel good.  Yes, having bc is difficult, but, you can do it.  We will help with support and encouragement and lots of advice.  And, hugs!

Hugs, Leeza

Double Whammy's picture
Double Whammy
Posts: 2259
Joined: Jun 2010

with the depression and referral. 

You have every reason to be angry and frightened, and I hope every reason to just keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through this.   You will get to the other side of treatments one day.  Chemo sucks but it is doable.  We're here and understand so feel welcome to use us as your sounding block.

Hugs, Suzanne

susie09's picture
susie09
Posts: 2933
Joined: Jul 2009

I didn't do chemo either, but, the whole process that we are involved in by being diagnosed made me angry and scared too.  With time, those feelings do subside and you will start to feel better.  Focus on your treatment and getting rid of the cancer so you can live a full, long and happy life!

camul's picture
camul
Posts: 2003
Joined: Dec 2010

As hard as it is, the treatment is worth it, it gave me 8 1/2 years cancer free, and I have been on chemo now for 2 1/2 years with mets, and as hard as the treatments were, the alternative is so permanant.  I would not do it differently, and do not regret doing chemo, rads, mastectomy, and all the rest in between.  I have learned so much, and have added so many wonderful people to my circle of friends that I would never otherwize have met! 

Because of these treatments, I was able to see my kids, graduate, high school, college, be here for my mom when she needed me, finish school, and live! 

Gotta look at the reality of a year or so of treatment, can give you the rest of your life.... 

I wish you all the best and wish you well on your journey.  You have a huge support group right here. 

Carol

carkris's picture
carkris
Posts: 4505
Joined: Aug 2009

I was dragged kicking and screaming into chemo(it was my second primary and I knew what i was in for) My first time I was 34 and boy was I mad!!! Glad i did it, you will be too!

JJDS
Posts: 259
Joined: Apr 2013

You can do it!  It isn't easy, but, you can.  Lots of hugs and support!

JJ

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

I'm sending comforting cyber hugs and lots of prayers to you!  Wish I could so much more to help you.  We all do.

jojo2
Posts: 28
Joined: Apr 2013

The social worker at my cancer center was able to assess if people needed to be seen immediately and counsel too, he was very experienced and helpful. You need to start treatment immediately, if the docs are in a hurry you should be too. They can order meds on the spot to calm you down and help you be relaxed. The Benedryl you get to prevent allergic reactions made me drowsy or actually sleep. Private treatment rooms are available, so privacy won't be an issue. Don't worry about your husband, he would rather you get treatment started immediately and will be your shoulder to cry on, than spare him the worry.  I used compartmentalizing. Don't allow yourself to think any further than what you need to do now. Make sure you are doing everything possible to save your life. One small step at a time, maybe one minute at a time, don't let your mind go there. Don't read too much/research on the internet til you get used to the idea. Our hospital has a program for people without insurance, and anyone can apply for reduction or even forgiveness of bill if you qualify. If you are getting a Neulasta injection the day after your chemo ask for permission to go on Claritin, (you can use generic) to diminish bone pain. I took it daily throughout my chemo.They will have classes on chemo, really listen and use the lists.Lists of questions for your doc visits too. This is tough but you can do this. You are young and strong, fight this so you have many years with your loved ones. Just go in they will help you get through. Thoughts, prayers for you. jojo2

RozHopkins
Posts: 444
Joined: Dec 2010

Hubby is and has to get involved, you are the one who needs him right now, it is about you and you are important.  I have had terrible depression since around 12 years old (started when periods began/darn hormones).  It was a coincidence I was on Cymbalta when diagnosed and was amazed I got through surgeries and chemo without problems also helped with aches and pains no end.  Changed meds later as this one slightly reduces strength of Tamoxifen but by then it had done its job.  You insist on help, it all just looks too much and elongated now.  It will come to an end I promise, you have a lot going on.  Please keep talking to us.

CypressCynthia's picture
CypressCynthia
Posts: 3873
Joined: Oct 2009

I really do understand how you feel!  I was blown away by my diagnosis of Stage 3 at age 33.  But I diligently finished all of my treatments and fought back hard.  Here I am 26 years later!!!  Don't give up!  And if your feelings are getting to be too much or are overwhelming, please know this can be common with a cancer diagnosis.  Ask your oncologist for help.  I am on a little lexapro and it helps me alot.  Good luck!!!

Kristin N's picture
Kristin N
Posts: 1969
Joined: Mar 2009

Sometimes I think of this journey as a carnival ride.  We are on it, but, we can't get off until it stops, but, we want it to stop NOW! 

Talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.  He might need to prescribe an antidepressant to help you through this.  It is a hard time.

Hugs!

Ritzy's picture
Ritzy
Posts: 4384
Joined: Aug 2009

Everyone has written such kind and supportive words to you.  I hope that in some way they will help to make you feel better.  We are and have been in your shoes.  I hope that by writing here and expressing how you feel, it will help you, as it does and has all of us.

Sue

rainsandpours's picture
rainsandpours
Posts: 91
Joined: Apr 2013

Hey it's me (your old coworker friend) :). 

 

We chatted a lot the other day, but never touched on the feelings involved.  You are NOT ALONE in how you feel hun.  We're both in the same Cancer boat right now, and we are more alike that you think.  I don't want to do any of this either.  Never did- it's been a mental battle forcing myself to carry on.  Everyone thinks I'm so strong, but the reality is I'm weaker than they know.  The initial shock and fear you're feeling is all part of the stages (from what they tell me).  Finding a way to process it is hard.  but hun, you're young, you've got a lot of living to do yet.  I want you to stick around ! 

 

I imagine the chemo part if super frightening, and frankly, I'm, not sure I'd ever do it myself.  While I also have cancer, I had the fortune? to get 2 very rare types that do not respond to it, so it's off the table anyway.

 

Af far as the depression goes: who wouldn't be depressed dealing with cancer?  No one expects you to feel happy and normal.  I started taking Effexor again in Aug while waiting for my 2nd surgery, and it's helped somewhat with the anxiety.  I think I need a dose increase though, as I can feel my panic creeping up on me again and I'm no longer sleeping.  Think about asking your GP for some help here- even if just for Ativan.

 

You can talk to me anytime hun.  I'm here for you, and no topic is off limits ok?

 

Luv u,

A

DianeBC's picture
DianeBC
Posts: 3888
Joined: Jun 2009

We are all here for you.  That's the great part of this board of pink sisters.  We understand and we get it.  Post as often as you want or need to. 

Hugs, Diane

sea60's picture
sea60
Posts: 2601
Joined: May 2010

you name it, we felt it. I remember I had a book I would read to the kids when they were young, "The Gingerbread Man". Oh how I thought of that little book and how those words resonated into my head everytime I had to go to yet another scan, procedure, surgery. I just wanted to run and run and run...get away!

All I can tell you is that you'll get through this. With a lot of help. Family, friends, spouse. I had to learn how to reach out and accept help instead of always being the one to help and support others, that was hard.

There is a point. Your life and all the things you have yet to do. Get help. Pray. Reach out, do all you can to get through this because you will. And you'll be stronger and wiser and most of all, once you get past all the emotions, you'll experience a grateful heart and you'll relish the simple small things that can bring joy.

Hugs and prayers for you,

Sylvia

 

 

 

 

taylor manny
Posts: 114
Joined: May 2013

I think we've all been in your shoes at one time or another.  I wish you good luck and want you to know that it will get better.

 

Susan742's picture
Susan742
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2013

I was alone.  My husband had just taken a job in a new city.    Two months later I was diagnosed.  The only people I really know are my Dr.'s.  Had a lumpectomy in November, 2012.  All went good, but now the Tamoxifen after 6 months is giving me side effects.  I hate taking meds!  We are al in this together and we are all fighters.

lintx's picture
lintx
Posts: 456
Joined: Sep 2012

 

Me, too...alone a yr ago at bilateral time.  I get it!  I've been on Tamoxifen 9 mos and haven't felt side effects.  I wondered what kind you're experiencing.  Linda

KIMKATAOKA's picture
KIMKATAOKA
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2013

Hi, I felt the same way when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I did not want to tell anyone, but I had to because I needed someone to take me to the hospital.  I told my cousin and my boss.  I eventually told the remaining relatives and joined a support group through American Cancer Society.  I like the group because they understand.  My friends and family just tells me "you will survive, you're ok."  Never heard from them again.  I am alone too, so I joined groups dealing with breast cancer, like this group.   You are doing the rigt thing, by joining.  I still feel alone to this day.  No one comes to see me or visit me to see if I am okay.  I just give up with them and trying to find another job and another place to spend my time.

Kim

taylor manny
Posts: 114
Joined: May 2013

I didn't know if you have a support group of bc survivors in your area or not.  Some survivors find that they really help them in expressing their feelings and hearing how others feel too.  You could ask your oncologist if he knows or just call your cancer center or hospital.

 

KIMKATAOKA's picture
KIMKATAOKA
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2013

You have to think positive and do the treatment for yourself.  I had to and no one is going to get me down anymore.  You have to think about you and you alone.  I felt the same way, but you know, no one wants to care about me, well, than I am going to do this for myself and move on and away from all these negative and evil people.  Fight and don't stop fighting.  I am here for you and this group too.

burcu123
Posts: 70
Joined: Jan 2013

I was very angry too. I felt much better when I was given permission to be angry. Offcourse you should be angry you should be mad. This thing came on you like a nightmare , you have no fault you did not deserve it, you did not need this disease to be a better person.

This is your hurricane , your tornado your natural disaster , your bomb,  allow yourself to be angry, do not feel guilty because you are angry.

 

yell, curse, then carry on and do what you need to doto survive. This also shall pass, humans have an  amazing capacity to adapt.

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

What burcu wrote is very true.  One pink sister on here went out and bought a bunch of cheap glass dishes, brought them home and busted them all.  She had so much anger and she felt this would help her and it did.  We don't all need to do that, but, let yourself get mad, get it all out.  Don't hold it in.  I think you will feel better if you do.  Our feelings are so messed up from the minute we get diagnosed.  Just want you to know that we all do understand.

Hugs, Kylez

Lynn Smith
Posts: 1265
Joined: Mar 2011

I have allergies to alot of things esp meds.Every pill I take I worry when it's first prescribed. I also hear about others reactions and it scares me.With 2 friends, a niece, mom,sister having cancer before me I worried about chemo and side effects.I took one day at a time.Finally was the  doc appt to find out what my treatment was.Just take tamoxifin for 5 years.I was Stage 0 DCIS.

I knew there were side effects with my friends but the one took a sedative before her chemo and the other one had to wait it out.She was allergic to it but the symptons hit just after the chemo treatment.She sometimes was put in the hospital but cancer free after  9 years.She was told by her doctor that he HOPED the cancer never comes back because of her serious complications and he worried.My sister had no problems with her 4 chemo treatments. She even drover herself to and from treatments.She's Very independent.

I made up my mind and decided "I WILL not worry and take on what needs to be done to safe my life".Even though no chemo the first time if ever a second time I have to take what is dished out.

Lynn Smith

survivorbc09
Posts: 4378
Joined: Jun 2009

Would love to see an update from you.  Remember, we are all here for you.

Hugs, Jan

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