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Thank You All So Much For Your Prayers & Healing Thoughts

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1173
Joined: Apr 2009

I will sleep very little, if at all, tonight. I made the decision today to have my beloved husband removed from life support systems at noon tomorrow. His condition has rapidly deteriorated over the last two days. The ventilator is now completely breathing for him and the pacemaker has taken over 100%. He is in a drugged sleep, not responsive to anything, and will never wake again. I am crying as I try to type. At least four doctors have validated that he will never come out of this. They have deactivated the defib portion of his device so that he won't receive continuous shocks. I will hold in my heart the memory from two nights ago as he waved his fingers at us as we told him we loved him & would be back in the morning. It is all I have right now. Later, I will have time to reflect on our forty one years together.

Hospice has arranged to put him on a portable ventilator & transport him home. Home is where he would want to be & I have done my best to honor his wishes. A bed and other equipment now faces me in the family room where I am sleeping as I gave Debbie & her husband my bed. I will look at that all night long. A doctor & two nurses will be here to make him comfortable & remove the ventilator. It will be a matter of a few minutes to hours for us to spend with him one last time. I am frightened as Hospice does not stay until the end, but together Robert & I will do this for him. Robert & I will ride in the ambulance in case he expires during transport. I could not ask Debbie to do that, nor can I ask her to be present as he goes on his final journey. She faces her own mortality each day & it is too much for her.

We left the hospital for a few hours today to make funeral arrangements. They are simple, but expensive. He always used to tell me "When I'm gone, just put me in a pine box & stick me in the ground."  So I selected a wooden casket that looks like that pine box. There will be a small graveside service on Tuesday. It is a surreal feeling to know that I've done this & that on Monday, I'll select flowers for my husband. I know some of you have faced this very thing.

I hope I have not offended anyone by posting this much information.

Please keep us in your hearts as I do this thing. It is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Luv,

Wolfen

Ladylacy
Posts: 462
Joined: Apr 2012

My heart goes out to you and yours during this time.  May you and yours find peace.  Absolutely nothing in your post could offend anyone reading this heartbreaking post.

Prayers go out to you and yours during this time.

 

Sharon

Duggie88's picture
Duggie88
Posts: 524
Joined: Feb 2010

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You went the extra mile allowing him to do it his way. Like I've stated previously, although I come across as a jokester, just behind that door is my heart that aches for your husband and David who recently passed. At first I found it confusing because this sadness doesn't strike me when I read in the paper the souls locally that have moved on. Then I came to realize we here on CSN have become family. A family created by something bad that is far to capable of stripping us from so many things and sometimes even the life god has given us. I'm not suppose to be here but thanks to some wonderful doctors I will emphatically curse cancer every day while celebrating my victory and morning the ones who lost their battle.

Peace be with and your family

      Jeff

Noellesmom
Posts: 1275
Joined: Aug 2010

There are many journeys we take in this life; just the thought of the transition from this world to the next is overwhelming.

No matter how spiritually prepared we are, how much we trust God and believe, it gives us pause.

Wolfen, may God's grace surround you during this time filling you with a peace and an understanding that lets you know your husband's life was blessed because of your love for one another and that is something that he will not leave behind.

yensid683
Posts: 222
Joined: Apr 2012

Is that which we show our loved ones when their time has come and we are there for them at the end, carrying out their wishes.  It is never easy for anyone to do, let alone a loving caregiver that has been by their loved one's side throughout all of this most difficult of journeys.

Take comfort in the memory of your love for him and his for you, share with your children and let them comfort you while you comfort them. 

May God take all of you into his keeping, may he give you peace and comfort in the coming days,

All my prayers for you and your family today

Peter

Grandmax4's picture
Grandmax4
Posts: 578
Joined: Dec 2011

are with all~~I have walked this mile and it is not easy, but, you are lovingly letting your husband pass, in peace and dignity. May God cradle you in His arms and give you strength to get through the next second,minute,hour,day,week and months..we are all here for you. Peace

katenorwood
Posts: 1808
Joined: May 2012

Karen,

I am keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.  Katie

ditto1
Posts: 630
Joined: Mar 2012

as I read your story tears streamed down my face in sadness for you and your family, not sure what that says about my manhood, but it tells me my heart dominates how I feel for you.  It is so tough to lose a love one but no more so than our life long partners.  Diane and I just pray for Peace to be with you and your family over the next few days as you get thru this period of your and your husbands journey.  We are a family on this site some may post more or we may pick a few we hold close during our journeys thru cancer but we all hold on to each other during times like these.  We are sending you strong hugs and in some cyber way hope you feel them wrapped around you...

phrannie51's picture
phrannie51
Posts: 3617
Joined: Mar 2012

this heavy burden must be shouldered by you....your courage and your strength shine thru your words and tears.....I have you, your daughter and Robert tucked into my heart.  I know his transition will be a peaceful one....Huge hugs to you and yours.

p

debbiejeanne's picture
debbiejeanne
Posts: 2259
Joined: Jan 2010

dear karen, i'm sorry it has come 2 this but glad you've found the strength to carry out ur husband's wishes.  each time i c a post from you i get scared.  i pray that God will bring u and ur family thru this.  hang in there and remember 2 take care of urself.

God bless you,

dj

Sunshine60
Posts: 73
Joined: Apr 2013

Have you in my prayers and thoughts- and hoping for a peaceful transition.  Reach out to your family and others-we will all be here for you.

Hard12Find
Posts: 199
Joined: Sep 2012

I am so sorry you are here after such a long and valiant struggle. I can't imagine what you must be feeling and going through. Just know a lot of people on here care about you and will be here for you any time you need a shoulder or hug. May gods peace be with your husband and you, and for the rest of your family as well. Take comfort in knowing his fight is done.  You will be in my prayers.

Jim

KareGiver
Posts: 289
Joined: Apr 2011

Sending you more courage and strength...something you clearly already possess.  Just put one foot in front of the other...

Lynda

 

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

Karen I am so sorry you have had to make this decision and for what it is worth I believe it is the right one.  Today marks one month since David's passing and I was reminded the morning one year ago today I bought my wedding dress after a fiasco with a dress I thought was being made for me.  As hard as I am having it right now I can't imagine how hard this has to be after loving someone over forty years and having children that will be dealing with their father's passing. You and your family are in my mind constantly and I keep waiting to get a call from you.  I know I have been very sad and lonely since David's passing feeling like an alien that no one knows what to say to. The only thing I can say is I am here. I care about you and call my cell if you need to talk, cry or scream. I get it.  I hate that I get it, but I am here when and if you need me.  Vivian. 

CivilMatt's picture
CivilMatt
Posts: 2825
Joined: May 2012

Karen,

I am very sorry for your family. This is a deep pain. I pray for you the strength to carry you through.

Bless each of you,

Matt

fishmanpa's picture
fishmanpa
Posts: 1103
Joined: Jan 2013

Karen,

Our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. May He bring you peace and solace in this difficult time and beyond.

"T"

 

MarineE5
Posts: 745
Joined: Dec 2005

You and your family are in my Thoughts and Prayers.

jcortney's picture
jcortney
Posts: 406
Joined: Sep 2012

What can I add other than I'm thinking of you and your family and I wish you peace.  You are an amazing caretaker and wife and I'm humbled by your devotion to your family.

Joe

Skiffin16's picture
Skiffin16
Posts: 8057
Joined: Sep 2009

Situations like this make us all reflect upon our own mortality.....

Thoughts & Prayers ~ John

Chuckles0504
Posts: 20
Joined: Dec 2012

Your post  brought many, many tears.  May you remember the many memories you have with your husband and may he move on to  another place where  there is no such thing  as this horrible thing that our loved ones are enduring.  I will continue to pray for you and yours.

Billie67's picture
Billie67
Posts: 834
Joined: Jul 2012

Ugh I am so sad for you. I've been praying for a miracle for you and your husband. Several times today I found myself praying and thinking about you.
I have to tell you that you are an amazing woman and wife. You are honoring your husbands wishes and I know this isn't easy for you but you are thinking of him first and trying to protect your daughter too. You are amazing!
I will continue to pray for you and hope you will have peace as you enter this next phase.
Billie

Tim6003's picture
Tim6003
Posts: 1490
Joined: Nov 2011

I know you already know we care....I hurt for you tonight...prayers for peace to your husband, you and your family ...

 

Tim

jim and i's picture
jim and i
Posts: 1569
Joined: May 2011

Prayers for the family and a special prayer for you. I can't imagine how hard this time is and I do not wish to. May you feel God's arms wrapped around you in this difficult time and those days that follow.

Debbie

nnjohnson31's picture
nnjohnson31
Posts: 5
Joined: Apr 2013

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family. 

D Lewis's picture
D Lewis
Posts: 1521
Joined: Jan 2010

So very sorry for what you are going through. Take comfort in the knowledge of your great love for each other.

Deb

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