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Nearly 2 weeks without my father

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi. I honestly don't know how to start this thread. On the 16th April 2013, my father lost his battle from cancer. It spread over to his lungs, liver bowel and I think that in his last few days, it also affected his barin. All this happened within 2 months and 3 weeks. January 2013 he was perfectly fine. Mid April and he's gone, forever.

Now I know that you all hear this stuff every single day from people like me who tell you that they can't get over it, can't accept it etc etc. Well, add me to that list. I honestly don't know what to do. Dad was 55, I'm a 23 year old male. No brothers or sisters. Just me and mum. Both of us all the time crying. Since dad left us, I feel like I can't get my life back on track. Got no work/job, no appetite, can't sleep, can't get myself to shower. Basically I'm living worse than an abandoned animal. 

Thing is, every person that I go up to for help, they always tell me the same old stuff, "get over it, you won't get him back from crying, life goes on, everyone has to die someday bla bla bla". But I can't think like that. Not when I remember my dad from just a few months back in 2012, all healthy and working for us and everything, and then I remember my dad from the last couple of months. 

See, that's what I keep thinking about. How my dad ended up. He was basically between a new born child and a very old man. He was dipendable on us on everything. He couldn't eat properly, all the time shaking, couldn't sleep, couldn't make toilet, couldn't even grab his manhood to pee normally, instead he had to use a bottle to pee in in bed and then we emptied it for him, he couldn't walk, he couldn't breathe properly, all the time coughing and to top it off, his body was FULL of water, like, his skin was all stretched from water which later invaded all his organs. And then I think about his last few days at hospital, when he was practically hallucinating, he couldn't see us properly, not even me his son and mum, his wife. He was all the time asking us "Who are you?". And to make it worse, I think all the time about his last day alive when he entered into this kind of coma, his face all yellow, his eyes open and glassy. He was practically dead, only, his body took a full day to completely shut down. When I remember my dad, with his lips in an ugly angle, his eyes half open, with that look of pain and mercy upon his face, me telling him that I love him but to no response from him.... And I think all the time about how the nurses dressed him up in the suit. And the day of his funeral, when mum and I went to the morgue, touching his face and hair, all cold from the hospital freezer/chiller. And when they closed the lid on the coffin, knowing that I won't ever see him or touch him again. And the ceremony at the church, me lifting his coffin on my shoulder all the way to our local cemetry to bury him...  

Just so you know, first he had 2 operations to pull his bowels out, then we brought him home for nearly 2 months, then he ended up back in hospital again for his last few days. I was sleeping with him at hospital during his last few days, and through all these 2 months and 3 weeks, I barely went out of our house, just stood there, with him all the time, knowing that he's on borrowed time.

It's unbearable. Sorry for the long sermon but I honestly don't know what to do. People say that it will get better by time, but right now, I feel like I don't want to live anymore. What am I going to do? I don't feel like doing anything. My friends are all the time taking me out but I'm still depressed. I hate our house now. Feels so empty. I know that I have to take care of mum. And I'm trying, believe me, but I can't. I don't know how to live anymore. Even now, I have tears in my eyes while writing this down. And advice?

Help, honestly, HELP!

Manuel

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grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I know your friends think they are being helpful when they tell you to move on, but you are not ready to do that. Three weeks is not really very long in the grieving process. Time has helped me, but I'm talking a lot of time. I lost my husband about 3 1/2 years ago. I still miss him and always will. I have accepted his loss, but there is still some pain. It has mellowed. In the beginning, though, I had to take life one day, one week, sometimes even one minute at a time. There is help. Ask hospice or your family doctor about grief groups. You might also want to ask your dr. about an antidepressant. Many need the help of one to move forward at first. There are also grief counselors who are specially trained to help with grieving. You might want to try journaling. Don't be afraid of asking for help. Some might think that shows weakness, but I think it shows real strength. Your mom might need help, too. I know that losing my husband was the hardest thing I had every been through. Take care, and I hope some of this helps. There are no magic answers. Each must grieve in their own time and way. I am sorry that you are dealing with this at such a young age. It is never easy. Fay

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

Strangely enough, it feels somewhat good to know that there are other people going through the same life changing moments like me. Just for the record, with each passing day, I keep getting worse

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grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

It isn't really true that misery loves company, but it is always nice to know that we are not alone. Just take one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. For a while, that may be the best you can do. Try not to use alcohol to drown your feelings. See a dr. about medical help. Some do need to use antidepressants for awhile. Counseling and grief groups help, too. Hang in there. Fay

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

I didn't turn to alcohol. I'm just sitting in bed all day long, without the energy to do anything. Every kind of manual work tires me even if it's just washing the dishes. Everything keeps reminding me of my dad even if I hear a motorbike pass by our house, I remember him driving his old bike. And now, I honestly think that I'm starting to get worse. I'm all the time confused, confusing names and people, going to some random place without knowing why the hell I went there in the first place, stuttering like hell. Some people tell me to get medication, but honestly I don't want to take pills. Even though my back is afainst the wall now....

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grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

There isn't anything wrong with taking pills. Instead of showing weakness, I think it takes strength to admit that you need help. it sounds like you are clinically depressed which often includes a chemical imbalance. You will probably need them for just a short time while you put your life back together. Please talk to your doctor. Life does go on, and your father would want you to go on, too. Those first few weeks after a death are really hard. I ran my car into the side of my garage several weeks after my husband died. I remember getting into the car but don't remember anything else until I heard scraping. Thank goodness I was home and not elsewhere. I went into a real funk several months later and spent three days holed up in my house eating nothing but jelly beans and vinegar potato chips. Not a good combination. Anyway, as you can see, grief does strange things to us. Get whatever help you need whether it is pills or counseling. I was lucky to have a very supportive family, church, and cancer support group to help me through the tough times. 

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

I agree Fay. I honestly think that I should get pills. Can't keep on going like this. Half of the time I'm in another zone, with absolutely no clue of what I'm doing. Even driving scares me. Always driving along without a target... Did you take any kind of pills when your story happened?

Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

Manuel, as I understand your posts your father just passed away a couple of weeks ago.

In the process of grieving, that's not very long and you are probably just about where you should be.

I want you to go on the Internet and look up Elizabeth Kubler Ross' "Stages of Grieving".  As humans with a common culture, there are many stages of grief we must pass through before we get resolution. 

I think I am reading in your posts and noting your age this may be the first person you have seen pass away.  The first death one witnesses is never easy and for some people it doesn't get easier with the second or third.

Also, your father's passing was a difficult one - not one of old age and simply sleeping more and more.  You lost your father before he died when he was unable to recognize you - that's a special grief in itself, Manuel.

Some people do need medication to help them sleep so they can spend their waking hours correctly processing the death of their loved one.  Go see your physician; talk to them about the difficulties you are having.  I believe, due to the nature of your father's death and what you saw and heard, you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome and while that is treatable, part of it is coming to terms with the knowlege that cancer took your father and that is never an easy death, so, no, you are not alone in this kind of grieving.  It is a difficult grief to bear.

It could be that your mother needs to go see the doctor with you.  If you and your mother have access to a minister, priest or pastor go talk to them: I assure you they have seen grief and all of its stages before.

Wake up, Manuel - life is going on around you.  You did not die with your father and I'm betting he would not have wanted you to. 

Get help for yourself so you can help others around you who are also grieving.  If you've ever been on an airplane you know the line about putting on your oxygen mast first before you try to help others - this is another one of those times. 

Death is a natural and inevitable part of life but a young person such as yourself often needs help in dealing with the loss it creates.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

Actually I keep getting worse by each and every day.

I keep praying that God takes me away. And in all honesty, I keep wishing that I had the guts and courage to committ suicide. Part of this thinking comes from the fact that my father is dead, but in all honesty, it's mainly because I'm not finding help from ANYONE. No one! Would you believe that? No one extends their hand and tries to help me. And the person that I would expect the most to help me, mum, is the reason why I don't want to live anymore. She keeps fighting with me everyday, creating bulls**t, she keeps insisting that i'm trying to screw her over regardging financial stuff, that I'm just trying to chuck her out. I don't know why she gets all these idea. I'm just trying to help, but she keeps insisting that I'm not trying to help, but screw her over. She also keeps saying that if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have kept on going. Now, I'm human like everyone else, and if you pinch me, I bleed like all humans. So now, I'm like "Ok f**k it, I'm not helping her so that she doesn't think I'm trying to screw her". Now she's all the time goping "You don't help me, I'm all alone in this situation" bla bla bla. I'm really going crazy. I try and help my mum, even though I don't have the strength to do so, but why does she, the only person remaining in my life, refuse to help ME? Why am I such a waste of space on this planet? Everyone I turn to either has bad advice to give me, or else the go all out against me. I honestly don't want to live a second longer but I'm scared of committing suicide. I've had enough. My life was already shitty MUCH before dad died. Now that he's dead, buried six feet under I'm really on the edge of the cliff metaphorically.

Now I'm not asking for some medal or for a statue, but I would appreciate it a lot if she showed me some recognition and be grateful to me. I spent the last 2 and a half months of my dad's life at home, going out only to buy stuff and shop for him since she doesn't drive. I slept with him a million of times, helped him eat, washed him, dressed him, lifted him, took him to the toilet, cleaned his poo, helped him with his stoma bag, carried him in our car and drove him myself, cleaned our house, did all the housewive work. A long list, but why would mum throw all my work away and tell EVERYONE that she's the one who did, and still does everything? Why does she give everyone this impression that I'm useless?

Help please. You're the only ones who understand me. I can't believe that I have to turn to complete strangers over the internet to help me out since everyone is bashing me on the head.

Help me, I beg you

Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

If your situation with your mother was not good before your father passed away, there is no reason to believe it will get better now.

When you speak of committing suicide, please know that it is important that you get help immediately.

You are not alone, however, there are MANY people who feel alone after losing a loved one.

There are grief support groups most places and you need to find one, in conjunction with going to see a doctor.

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

Relation with mum was always like this. Keeps treating me like an 8 year old. Thing is, doctors keep telling me that I'm ok and that I'm coping well with my fathers death. I don't know why they don't want to give me any meds. Shall I grab a doctor by the throat, slam them against the wall and demand that they give me some pills or should I save all the hassle and buy pills online from strangers? Either way, I need help, but everyone is refusing to give it to me. They all seem to think that just because infront of people I put a mask on, smile and pretend I'm ok, that I'm getting along very well. Doesn't that I am. There's a living hell around and inside me, and everybody is either too stupid to realize that or else for whatever reason (maybe the people that I think love me, in fact don't), they refuse to lend a helping hand.

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grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I didn't take any new pills, but because I have fibromyalgia I was already taking medication for pain and to help me sleep. I'm sure those helped my cope. 

Sometimes it helps to get help from strangers. There isn't all that baggage or preconceived ideas. I'm sure that your mother is also grieving. I'm sorry you have a difficult relationship with her. Often a death can bring family closer together, but it often makes them more difficult, too. I would definitely look into grief counseling. Check hospice in your area or the American Cancer Society. They often have grief groups and/or can point you in the right direction. Even if your dad did not receive hospice care, they can often help. Right now, many in your family are hurting even if they don't show it. Each of us has to find our own way to grieve. Because you have actually thought of suicide, call a suicide hotline or your local mental health department. Do whatever you need to get help. NOW! Suicide is not the answer Or as I have read, suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem and even if it doesn't seem that way now, severe grief and depression are temporary problems. Grief mellows over time. Depression can be treated with meds and/or counseling. Go back to your doctor. Tell him/her what you have told us. you might even want to consider seeing a new doctor.  Be very clear about what you are feeling and thinking. Help is out there. Like I wrote here, strangers are often in a unique position to give help. Take care, Fay

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

I don't know what to do. I'm 23 and I feel so helpless like a little kid. Just for your information, I'm from Malta, so I don't know if we have the same type of groups or whatever like you do in america. My friend tells me to go see a psychiatrist or however the hell you write it. My relationship with mum was always bad. We love each other, but she seems to think that i'm a stone or something and that whatever you throw at me, metaphorically speaking, isn't going to hurt me. Then she gets all annoyed, cries and goes to tell people that i'm treating her badly. Why can't she realize that it's HER that treats me badly and that I'm simply reacting to her. Our rel was rocky to say the least, now it's deteriorating faster than ever. 

Can't accept that my dad is never coming back. It's consuming me. It really is. And mum not helping is really making it more unbearable than it already was.

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grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm not familiar with Malta or its culture, but grief is international. Try going on the Internet and looking up grief or grief counseling. If a psycologist or psychiatrist is what is available. Make an appointment today. You might also try some self talk. When my husband was sick people often commented on his good mood. His answer was that he couldn't do anything about his prognosis, but he could do something about his mood. He said he woke up each morning and made a choice. He could have a good day or a bad day. Most of the time he decided to have a good day. I know that sounds simplistic, but it does help. When I went into a three day funk once, not leaving my house and eating only vinegar potato chips and jelly beans, I finally reminded myself that I had that choice as well. I could decide to feel sorry for myself or I could start trying to do better. Some days the best we can do is put one foot in front of the other. Other times we live day by day, hour by hour or even minute by minute. I have often said grief is hard work, and we really do have to work at it. There are no right ways to grieve. Sometimes we need help finding our own way. Seeing a psychiatrist doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means that you need a little help. That's ok!  Fay

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

Well, I have news. Today I felt relatively better. Thing is, once it starts getting dark, BAM, I feel bad all over again. The night is the most difficult time of the day. During the day I somehow manage to find a way to go on but the night... man, it's terrible. Sometimes I end up in bed wide awake well beyond 4am. Does it ever happen to you?

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grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

Dark, memories, little things often set off greater grief. I'm glad you are feeling a little better. Time does help. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time. I still find myself tearing up when I am hit by a memory. Little things that I never thought would I hit me so hard, often take me by surprise. Take care, Fay

jackie1940
Posts: 8
Joined: May 2013

Hello Manuel, I hope you are doing a little better.  My father has battled lung cancer for the last year and it looks like we will lose him shortly.   I know the pain you must have felt watching him suffer.  I cry all the time and we haven't even lost him yet.  My boss and a couple of friends have been very understanding but I think there are others, including some of the doctors and nurses, who think we should be able to cope better.  

Please don't be ashamed to reach out for help.  If you're current doctor isn't listening consider getting a second or third opinion.  If you follow a particular faith then perhaps that would be another potential place to reach out for help.  Please don't reach out for street drugs.  That can be such a destructive path and your dad would not want anything bad to happen to you.  

With regards to your mother.  I just wanted to put it out there to consider that her anger might be a stage of her grief.  It's also just my mom and I and we have said some unkind things to each other over the last year because of our grief, confusion and frustration with the doctors and my dad's condition.  Sometimes people just need to vent/lash out.   On the other hand your mother may just be unreasonable.  Mom's sometimes have a hard time treating their adult children as adults.  I'm 43 and my mom still tells me what to do. 

Please know that you are not alone and that your grief is natural.  I wouldn't want to know the son who wasn't devastated at the loss of his father.  But your dad would want you to go on. 

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

I'm getting the help of a psicologist. Hope that I don't resort to pills. I'm scared of becoming dependant on them. 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm glad you are getting some help. Hang in there, Fay

jackie1940
Posts: 8
Joined: May 2013

I'm so happy to hear that you've found someone to help you.  Take care of yourself.  

Jackie 

gsb1773
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2013

I lost my mom 2 yrs ago. She had the dreaded alziemers,but she had a stroke.My mama is my everything.I will always miss her,but I know she is at a good place,where she is happy and in no more pain.I am a very spiritual person,and she is always around me.She stills lives on in spirit.Your loves ones that has pass on,would want you to go on with your life,they want you to be happy.My mom is not suffering no more and she didn't have to go to a nursing home.Ask God for strenght and wisdom,he won't help unless you ask.The comfort part is when it is my time to go my mama wil be waiting for me.God Bless and talk to God,cause God would never leave you.

ManuelMalta
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2013

Back to square one with my mum. She's driving me crazy. First she blames me that all this happened because of me, then she keeps reminding me of the times me and dad fought, which gives me this deep sense of guilt, now she's always like "You didn't love your day. You already forgot about him just after a month and a half of his death". I'm still waiting on the psikologist to call me to start the sessions. In the meantime, I ended up 24/7 in my room, literally no work, no going out nothing, ruining my eyes on the pc and tv, and banging my head against the wardrobe, trying to get myself dizzy maybe I end up passing out and pass the time knocked out. Pretty good life if you ask me. All that's left is for me to overdose on something maybe I get out of this hell. it's either that or I lay my hands on mum. Either way, it's gonna be ugly

FourBee's picture
FourBee
Posts: 15
Joined: May 2013

Dear Manuel, Please seek out some grief group therapy where you will learn that what you are feeling is normal. Do not harm yourself or your mother as you are both still in shock and suffering enough. Visit a primary care physician and if you must get some anti-depressants. You won't get addicted but you also won't feel so intensely. They take several weeks to start working so go straight away and find out if it may be an interim solution for you. Most important is that you find someone to talk to. I know what you mean about your dad's last day as my dad was the same and he died in February. It bothers me less now but still more than I'd like. Wishing you the very best for a bright future. Your dad would want that for you. Bee

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grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

During  one of my really down periods, I stayed at home eating nothing but jelly beans and vinegar potato chips. Not a good combination. I finally pulled myself together and rejoined the world. Now, I make a point of getting out at least once a day, often to lunch. Sometimes, I call a friend. Other times I go alone, but I go. Isolation is not good. I'm sorry you and your mom continue to have problems. I know she is hurting and taking it out on you. Losing my husband was devastating. Each of you is grieving in your own way. Sadly, it doesn't sound like either of you are dealing with your grief in healthy ways. Find someone to talk with pester the psychologist for an earlier appointment. Keep pestering him. Tell whoever you are talking to about the appointment that you have considered hurting yourself. just get help. You can do this. Fay

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