Apr 28, 2013 - 10:33 am
Hi. I honestly don't know how to start this thread. On the 16th April 2013, my father lost his battle from cancer. It spread over to his lungs, liver bowel and I think that in his last few days, it also affected his barin. All this happened within 2 months and 3 weeks. January 2013 he was perfectly fine. Mid April and he's gone, forever.
Now I know that you all hear this stuff every single day from people like me who tell you that they can't get over it, can't accept it etc etc. Well, add me to that list. I honestly don't know what to do. Dad was 55, I'm a 23 year old male. No brothers or sisters. Just me and mum. Both of us all the time crying. Since dad left us, I feel like I can't get my life back on track. Got no work/job, no appetite, can't sleep, can't get myself to shower. Basically I'm living worse than an abandoned animal.
Thing is, every person that I go up to for help, they always tell me the same old stuff, "get over it, you won't get him back from crying, life goes on, everyone has to die someday bla bla bla". But I can't think like that. Not when I remember my dad from just a few months back in 2012, all healthy and working for us and everything, and then I remember my dad from the last couple of months.
See, that's what I keep thinking about. How my dad ended up. He was basically between a new born child and a very old man. He was dipendable on us on everything. He couldn't eat properly, all the time shaking, couldn't sleep, couldn't make toilet, couldn't even grab his manhood to pee normally, instead he had to use a bottle to pee in in bed and then we emptied it for him, he couldn't walk, he couldn't breathe properly, all the time coughing and to top it off, his body was FULL of water, like, his skin was all stretched from water which later invaded all his organs. And then I think about his last few days at hospital, when he was practically hallucinating, he couldn't see us properly, not even me his son and mum, his wife. He was all the time asking us "Who are you?". And to make it worse, I think all the time about his last day alive when he entered into this kind of coma, his face all yellow, his eyes open and glassy. He was practically dead, only, his body took a full day to completely shut down. When I remember my dad, with his lips in an ugly angle, his eyes half open, with that look of pain and mercy upon his face, me telling him that I love him but to no response from him.... And I think all the time about how the nurses dressed him up in the suit. And the day of his funeral, when mum and I went to the morgue, touching his face and hair, all cold from the hospital freezer/chiller. And when they closed the lid on the coffin, knowing that I won't ever see him or touch him again. And the ceremony at the church, me lifting his coffin on my shoulder all the way to our local cemetry to bury him...
Just so you know, first he had 2 operations to pull his bowels out, then we brought him home for nearly 2 months, then he ended up back in hospital again for his last few days. I was sleeping with him at hospital during his last few days, and through all these 2 months and 3 weeks, I barely went out of our house, just stood there, with him all the time, knowing that he's on borrowed time.
It's unbearable. Sorry for the long sermon but I honestly don't know what to do. People say that it will get better by time, but right now, I feel like I don't want to live anymore. What am I going to do? I don't feel like doing anything. My friends are all the time taking me out but I'm still depressed. I hate our house now. Feels so empty. I know that I have to take care of mum. And I'm trying, believe me, but I can't. I don't know how to live anymore. Even now, I have tears in my eyes while writing this down. And advice?
Help, honestly, HELP!