Apr 27, 2013 - 11:51 am
When he told me it was NED it was almost like I couldn't hear him. For some reason, like never before in my life, (my service in the Army, my years of racing sports cars, the CT just 6 weeks prior, asking my wife to marry me :I, this one test got the best of me and for the life of me I can't say why.
I'm very grateful to you all for your love and support.
I've been afraid lots of times in my life, probably the worst of which, up to this point, was when I was sitting on my couch telling my wife Jennifer I had cancer the day of the biopsy. As I get closer and closer to this first PET scan, I can feel my fear ramping up to a level of where I am just basically functioning. All without letting on to anyone around that I'm teetering on the edge. Don't get me wrong, we communicate but I just don't think anyone that hasn't gone through it can understand the abject terror of the thought of having to have more treatment when you are just starting to get better after six months of torture. So, while I love my caretaker wife deeply and amazed how supportive she has been every step of the way, and I respect my MedOnc (who is my lead Doc) who has never steered me wrong and is a fountain of positive vibes, I am paralyzed by what if its' not clear? I/we can pray, nothing but positive thoughts coming my way, everyone close (and far) being absolute in their conviction that all will be NED. And still the small voice continues "what if it's not clear"........................