Apr 26, 2013 - 5:26 am
I have had many experiences with cancer in my family. My mother suffered with breast cancer as a test subject for 28 years with 12 recurrences before cancer won. My father died from cancer of the throat. My sister survived kidney cancer. My other sister breast cancer. My uncle colon. I thought I had seen the worst. Cancer is horrible in any form, and while not belittling their battles and pain and suffering...I have never encountered as disease as horrific as this one. Even Drs in other fields, such as Larry's urologist have said " oh that's a tough one". As a caregiver to all of my family members I will say this has been the toughest for me as well. I'm sure alot of it has to due with the fact that my husband has been so uncooperative much of the time. From refusing nausea meds during chemo to refusing to use jtube. It is so hard to watch them suffer. Daily life can be a challenge as well for the caregiver. I seem to wander around the grocery store not knowing what to buy, and have spent a fortune on an assortment of items for Larry to try. I always end up with new protein infused items along with groceries that end up going to waste because I don't have the heart to eat in from of him. Then there is the celebrations when a certain food works. Larry hates the wedge so we have the head of our bed raised, which works well for him, however I spend the whole night climbing back to the top. This always resorts to me being up at 4am venting to all of you. However there is such contentment in my heart when I climb into bed because my husband is still by side. What a rollercoaster.I am always worried, always fearful. I pray evertime I am alone. I pray for Larry, for my family, ask for strength, and I pray for all of you. And I am angry. I am so mad at Larry's primary care Dr for giving Larry pills for heartburn for the past nine years and never ordering a scope. It took 10 minutes with the PA when his Dr wasn't available for her to say "Larry I'm afraid you have esophageal cancer". Within 24 hours we knew. The suffering that all of you go through is overwhelming. I do however see a beautiful pattern here. We all, patients or caregivers came here for a reason. For questions and to share our stories. The beauty is so many remain to help others. You are all so brave. Thank you. I don't mean to sound so whiny, Just tired and venting.