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Tired of being a widow

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

OK I wish I could say I am doing better with my loss than I am.  I miss David, hell I miss people.  You know other than the neighbor across the way and my mother-in-law not one person has come to check on me.  People will make plans with me and then bail in the morning with lame excuses.  I feel so alone and unloved.  What is wrong with people?  Can't they see I am in pain, why does no one care.  David is dead and I am alone.  WHY????

Skiffin16's picture
Skiffin16
Posts: 8104
Joined: Sep 2009

Unfortunately it's the society we live in these days... Fast pace, all about me....

I have found through the years, there is always one person I usually can count on..., and when I can't, eventually I do...

That person..., myself...

When everyone leaves me hanging, when I have nobody I can count on, I can always count on myself. Unfortunate, but in a lot of ways it's essential.

Nobody truly knows you better than you... What makes you tick, what makes you happy, what pisses you off...

Unfortunately you are at that stage..., if others aren't there for you, you have to find your way through this. I wish I could make it easier, I can't.

And in reality, nobody can..., right now it's going to take a little time. Even if your family, David's or anyone did everything imaginable for you.., the pain is going to be there for awhile.

It's finding that one thing that keeps you going, one foot in front of the other, each day, every week...a little further than the week before.

I can only offer to you right now to find some support groups, some counceling.., someone to talk to and share your feelings on a personal level.

My thoughts and prayers are with you while you are hurting, and beyond...

John

Grandmax4's picture
Grandmax4
Posts: 597
Joined: Dec 2011

of your life being non-stop, caring for David, being at appt's from dawn to dusk,hurrying here,there..your routines have come to a halt, it's hard, thinking about what could have been, what was..I don't mean to sound callous, but, are you moving toward going back to work? Being around new people might ease the lonliness, find a new church, and be active...the gym, any other dance studios nearby?  I'm not sure what's going on with your "friends", but apparently, they either feel awkward or they really weren't friends to begin with.

It's very early since your loss , I hope life will get easier soon, that a path will open that ,if you follow, will lead to contentment and peace..

hwt's picture
hwt
Posts: 2008
Joined: Jun 2012

All churches are not the same...make it your new mission to find the right one for you. Search out a support group. Join a bowling league. Take a college course. You can do it Vivian....David would want you to.

Sunshine60
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2013

Dear Vivian,

i am new to this site, but have read everyone's stories, their ups and downs since my husbands diagnosis in February.  You have been so brave! While we are thrown into the crazy world of cancer to include constant appts, scans, rads, Successes and yes, losses- those outside cannot possibly know how this feels or what to say. Sometimes, we have to be the one to reach out for others because we are used to being the caretaker Of everything and everyone.  so, even though I don't know many of you yet, I truly feel your pain. Lots of hugs coming your way :)

Sunshine60
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2013

Dear Vivian,

i am new to this site, but have read everyone's stories, their ups and downs since my husbands diagnosis in February.  You have been so brave! While we are thrown into the crazy world of cancer to include constant appts, scans, rads, Successes and yes, losses- those outside cannot possibly know how this feels or what to say. Sometimes, we have to be the one to reach out for others because we are used to being the caretaker Of everything and everyone.  so, even though I don't know many of you yet, I truly feel your pain. Lots of hugs coming your way :)

rachel12yrsuv's picture
rachel12yrsuv
Posts: 432
Joined: Feb 2013

Vivian,

I can't be with you personally or I would, just to listen. I have a phone and would be happy to give you my number just pm me if you want it. You can always call and talk through a rough time.

I wish we could erase what happened and have David back with you, but unfortunately that's not possible. Stop looking to those who are too selfish to be there for you, lean on the ones that are. And like John said, its time to look into yourself and help yourself. Not in a rude way, a healing way. Lean on your faith, not your rude church, just your faithin God and ask him to carry you through this time of grief. I am sure David is whispering in His ear that very thing everyday. You will always miss David, Vivian, its just that over time it won't cause you so much pain. I can't imagine that a love like yours is easy to let go of, nor do I think id want to. Id cling tightly to the memory of what you had and know that it transcends death, that's why Jesus said the greatest of these is Love!

Grief comes in stages and there is no roll on how long it lasts. The reason your friends and family are non-exsistent is because they don't have the capability to put their own thoughts and opinions aside long enough to see what you are goiong through emionally. Pray sweetie, I will for you too. I am serious if you should want to call!

Love to you and BIG GIANT WARM HUGS!

Rachel

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I know you guys are right.  I am just really hurt that it has almost been three weeks and other than the neighbor across the street and my mother-in-law I have not had one person come to the door to check on me.  Not only not coming, but not even texting.  I hate that I have reached out and people at first say ok we can do something on this or that night.  Then the day comes and they are tired or it's not a good night.  Well news flash, I haven't had a good night since David died.  Sorry I told you it was a pity party.  I am going to go to church on Friday night at my brother-in-laws church in Florence.  My brother-in-law has really stepped up and reached out to me.  He is ordained and has been calling every night to check on me, which is very sweet.  His church is really nice, but it is about an hour and fifteen minutes each way.  At this point I just need to be there and have people be around me.  I have to say my in-laws have been my biggest supporters through this and I really love that they have taken me in as a daughter and a sister in a time I feel so alone.

debbiejeanne's picture
debbiejeanne
Posts: 2590
Joined: Jan 2010

vivian, sometimes u just need a pity party 2 get by.  its ok.  its hard enuf going thru the grieving process but to feel alone makes it worse.  hold on to your faith to get u thru.  u can count on that when u can't count on anyone else.  hang in there and i'll b praying for  you.

God bless,

dj

CivilMatt's picture
CivilMatt
Posts: 3093
Joined: May 2012

 

Vivian,

 

I am sorry you feel so alone.  All the suggestions above sound good.  After you get your bearings, select one of your choices and give it a try.  Life can be fun again, as you will find out.

 

I had one good friend email me when I first found out I had cancer.  I thought I knew him and thought I could confide in him.  I never heard from him again and he only lives 11 miles away.  He was a nice guy, with one big chink in his armor.

 

Happy thoughts for you,

 

Matt

 

phrannie51's picture
phrannie51
Posts: 3852
Joined: Mar 2012

from a very wise woman....my mother.  She always told us to help ourselves we must help others, from helping old ladies across the street, to raking the neighbor's leaves, to volunteering to serve meals at the churches.  That by doing for others we would not only reap what we had sown, but we would build a liking for ourselves that no one could undo.   It took me many adult years to put that thinking into my life.....she was right (of course, mom's are like that)....Maybe check and see if there is a Grief Center via the hospital....there is one here....when my dad passed, my mom went to get help but ended up helping others, and when it was over she'd made friends that stuck with her till she passed away.  Also, like someone mentioned....find another church!! 

Tho our family wasn't Catholic, my mom had the St. Francis Prayer hanging in our kitchen....today that same framed print hangs in my kitchen....it brings comfort and direction....

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
rachel12yrsuv's picture
rachel12yrsuv
Posts: 432
Joined: Feb 2013

Phrannie,

Your Mom was a smart Woman! I am Catholic and the prayer to St. Francis is a song sometimes used in the mass service and by far one of my favorites, it also hangs in my bathroom here at my Mom's. Thanks for posting, Vivian just listen to the words, you can look it up on line and here it sung, something about those words just go through you and bring peace even if its a moment. God doesn't care what religion we are or what we borrow from one to another, as long as when we need help we reach out to Him!

Thanks again Phrannie!

Rachel

katenorwood
Posts: 1863
Joined: May 2012

Dear Vivian,

As stated above by all these dear people, if we could take just a fraction of your pain away we would.  This darn grieving process is so different for each and everyone of us.  You have been an angel on earth girl....I don't know why you were given this heavy load....but you stayed step by weary step with Davids trip through his transitioning.  Days will improve.  Please Vivian let yourself go through the steps to heal.  You will.  Lots of love sent and a giant hug !  You stay in my thoughts and prayers !   Katie

MarineE5
Posts: 762
Joined: Dec 2005

Vivian,

I don't post on each thread, but I would like to echo John's post. Only you can make you happy. Right now, the pain is recent, like the others mentioned, you have been on the go for so long, time consumed with care giving, you had no time for yourself.

Vent all you want here, that is what we are here for, a sounding board of sorts. Down the road, you will be sitting in your home and a smile will appear on your face, due to something you and David did together that was funny at the moment....

When you are happy, others feed off of that, so please find things that you enjoy to do, I am pretty sure David would want that for you.

My Best to You and Everyone Here

cureitall66's picture
cureitall66
Posts: 879
Joined: Aug 2012

Vivian,

Everyone here has given you some great advice. I second what John has said in regard to counting on just yourself. But, I've also found some great people on this forum to help me with Kreg....something that was rather tough for me. I had them to educate me about this illness, so that I could learn how to handle it all. It worked.

I've been often told by my family that I can sometimes be a "loner". I tend to keep to myself during emotionally rough times and have to sort it all out in my own mind. I like to take a drive to a shopping mall where no one knows me and do some "me" shopping and maybe even sit down there and have some lunch. This may sound kind of funny, but while I'm walking around I talk to myself (not out loud, of course..lol) or to God. I also try to think of pleasant thoughts. I will even see a little old lady or someone alone doing what appears to be the same thing, and smile and say hello. I can easily spend a whole afternoon bouncing around shopping (not necessarily buying) and feel some weight lifted off my shoulders. I think I do this because I trust and believe in myself. No one can tell me exactly what I want to hear so it kind of works for me. Sometimes I come home refreshed or sometimes  I will call my girlfriend up and see if we can meet for lunch after church....most of the time it all helps.

Don't be afraid to do something out of the ordinary. Test the waters to see what seems to give you comfort. I think the idea of going to another church right now is a great idea. Your brother in law and mother in law know what you meant to David and they know he would want them to stay close to you as much as they can handle during this tough time. They are grieving too...so they need you as well.

I pray that you will reach some peace from time to time and things become a little less depressing. Time will help...

God Bless,

Cris

P.S. Have you thought about scapbooking your wedding pictures? 

Tim6003's picture
Tim6003
Posts: 1497
Joined: Nov 2011

I don't see it as a pity party...heck, you konw better than we what you have been through.  I'm no counselor here, but I will give it a "arm chair quarterback try.

Angry?  Now is about the time you are angry in most circumstances (again, I'm not trying to play Mr. Know it All here) but I do know all the energy, time, love..and sooo much love and care you gave David, your new husband, as he was sick and dying, now suddenly the love of your life, the hurt, pain and David not being there (thus the loneliness only he could fill) ....leaves often times room for anger to come in.  Why?!!  Why me??  Why David??!!  Why us!? ....it's at this time, yet the hardest time to "give" ...you have done so much of that already, and boy have you.  I'm not talking about just giving you time, you some comfort, you a break, I'm also talking about giving someone who may now be walking in the shoes you walked some time, a note, a word, a call.  That could be found in a support group, a case worker who knew you and David may even be willing to give your number to a person (if you allow it) who is going down the path you walked.

I remember telling my ENT my Oncologist if anyone, anytime gets overwhelmed and just wants to ask what to expect or meet another H&N patients (not too many in our area) ...feel free to give my number out.  I'm on this board and sometimes post on the OCF board as well.  A friend of mine a few weeks ago came to me and said her ex husband of years ago was just dx with throat cancer...and that the daughter they had together when married 20 years was devasted and he being the healthy, athletic type was quite taken back by the news.  She had some questions for me, but I offered my number to her for her ex husband to call me.  When he called (we had never met and I did not know him) he began to explain that everyone around him felt he was the strong, solid type, but that this dx had him scared and he was actually afraid and not sure he could handle this.  He actually got quite emotional on the phone call....I just did what any one else on this site would do....I walked him through what I went through, shared the good, told him about the few sites I suggest....and told him to keep in touch....it felt really good to be able to help someone. 

And then too you need to find some release from all of what you just went through..it may be helping others is too soon, but just watch out for that anger Vivian....your "churched" enough to know the dangers of that ....and I don't know exactly what David would say, but I know what I would say if my circumstances had been differently than what they were and I did not survive and I was able to give my wife a few words from heaven...it would simply be this I would say to my beautiful and near perfect wife and mother "I'm sorry Jennifer (that's my wife's name) you have to do this without me, and I will never be able to thank you fully for being there for me until I see you again in heaven, but for now I want you to live!  I want you to find your happiness until we meet again.  I want you to live how you and I would have chosen to live, fun, funny, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, but just live.  Don't let bitter show it's head.  We were and are better than that!

 

I actually told my wife when I was not sure of the outcome and she had a down day and said what you said (if I recall) "what will I do" ...so pitiful and so overwhelmed she was when she said it...broke my heart!!!  I told her you will live!  I know you will never forget me, but I want you to live and raise our kids...don't come visit my grave (I've always preached that to my family) if I die too soon, celebrate me on my b-day and look at the happy pictures.  Don't visit my grave, I'm not there.  I don't want you staring at some cold, grey slab in a graveyard.  That's not me or who I was.  Look at all the fun pictures of us as a family, look at all the trips we have been on and on my b-day once a year nod your head and thoughts my way, tell me you love and miss me and I will do the same...then get out there and live!!!  :)

That's my 2 cent novel.....praying for you Vivian ....

I don't know what my future holds for cancer or anything else...but I now have made my point clear to my family...no matter how I go, I will forever love them and them me and I expect each of them to live, go to church, contribute to society, take care of their siblings and whatever you do take care of your mother AND AGAIN, LIVE!!!  :)

 

Tim

peggylulu's picture
peggylulu
Posts: 367
Joined: Dec 2012

I'm wishing for a like button again !!!

Peggy

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

You said almost exactly what David told me three days before he died.  Of course we don't have the kids and pictures.  The only pictures I have of him are from our wedding.  I just finally got those developed after he died.  He was sick for so much of our marriage there never was time.  I am very thankful I was able to be there 24/7 most of the time since his diagnosis.  I have some very special memories.  Most were made in the hospital, but still really good memories.  David wants me to be happy to live and love again.  It is just so hard.  I feel so betrayed by friends and church and I have very little trust in ever meeting someone else who will care about me.  I know there are good people out there, but it seems like I know a lot more who aren't very supportive.  I am so thankful to my cyber family.  You don't know how many times I have felt desparate and alone and will just lerk on the site not wanting to really participate, just get updated and see that someone has said something very nice about me in someone else's posts.  People are so very sweet and supportive here.  I know God sent me here because he knew I would need such supportive people by my side to help me live through the devestation that has become my life. 

LeoS2323
Posts: 143
Joined: Mar 2012

Vivian you have had such a tough time, its unthinkable what you have been through.

If theres one thing that being diagnosed with cancer at 34 does its give you some perspective. When my neck lump first showed I tore myself apart in all the 'what ifs'. I have two little ones who were 1 and 3 at the time and the fear of leaving them behind and missing them grow up was paralysing. I wasn't sleeping, I fell apart pretty much - terrified of dying.

But I realised that you only get one life, and there for the grace of God go I. It can end at any time and will end for all of us, just as it has for billions before. All we can do, each and every one of us is cherish our time on earth and make the most of it whilst we can. I understand the pity party, but that particular party is only going to absorb precious time in your life and fill it with sadness. You just have to think about when it is that party is going to end, because you don't want to spend too long there.

I fully agree with Tim - his post was fantastic. We have to take all the good, all the happiness and cherish the time we have.

At some point you have to pick yourself up and move along from those dark, sad feelings. Keep the positive things, the good things you did together in your heart and let go of the bad times and the suffering. When it is will be up to you, but you have to first open up your heart to the fact that it has to happen sometime - we all have to see a light at the end of the tunnel, you cannot walk on in darkness indefinitely. You have to know it is there for you, even if you can't see it yet.

You need to grieve Vivian, but try to start letting things in, letting good things in even if it is small steps, small things. Try to put your energy into something positive, because every little positive thing you do will help you move on a little. Excercise and getting back to playing sports helped me a lot - helped me feel that I was fighting back, doing something good. Helped me connect with more friends and get out and remember what it is to be alive again. I can't even begin to tell you how much that helped, and where it has taken me to now. It gave me an alternative focus, and a direction to channel my energy.

I had friends who disappeared when I got my diagnosis. I came to the conclusion that they weren't bad people as such - just inadequate, I felt sorry for them rather than angry. I had fantastic support from my Dad and from my wife, but at the same time I made up my mind that I had to fight for myself - for my life. I actually found that thinking too much about the kids and what could happen made me fearful and weak - I think you will have to find great strength to move on whenever that is Vivian, but find it you will if you want to go on and make the most of your one time on this earth. I'm sure you know that's what David would want.

All of us on this board are fighting our own fight - for some of us it is our own cancer and the treatments or operations we have to go through. The fear, the worry and the simply downright uncomfortable or unpleasant. You instead have to fight the sadness and the pain of loss of your beloved which is in some ways a heavier and more complicated battle than the physical ones we face. But fight you must in time, when the time is right - but you will have to start taking those first steps now.

And don't rely on anyone else because people will let you down - do it for yourself, and do it for David. I think everyone on here has seen that you have great strength in you whuch you channeled into the man you love; you just have to change that around a little and look after yourself now instead of looking after David. And when you do - wherever he is, I'm sure he will be looking down and smiling. Make the most of this life here on this earth while you have it, and trust that one day you will see him again.

tesa's picture
tesa
Posts: 120
Joined: Feb 2011

Vivian, I TOTALLY understand how you feel. After my beloved mom passed last year, I felt soo all alone. Friends weren't available nor supportive, and my church was not supportive. I dropped many friends because of this. I still feel depressed and all alone. You mentioned Florence. Do you happen to live in SC?  

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I live in Versailles Kentucky. My brother in law lives 80 miles away in Florence Ky.

Tim6003's picture
Tim6003
Posts: 1497
Joined: Nov 2011

It always breaks my heart to hear about a church that is not supportive ...I will never understand that, bu I'm a realist and I know it does happen.  Tesa, good to see you post!  I'm sorry about your mom, I remember you on here for a short time before your mom did pass.

Vivan...I was hesitant to write about the part of all the pictures and happy times as I know you and David did not have long together in my response...I am sorry if that hurt you.  I'm glad to hear David told you what he did.  He sounds like a great guy....I know he is missed.

I was talking to my mom today in Daytona Beach (we talk daily on the phone since I live in Idaho) and today is the date of my fathers passing two years ago...one of the elder ladies in the chruch (who is moms age) comes up to mom today IN CHURCH and says "you know today is the date your husband passed away?" ....I was just bowled over when my mom  told me that!  Mom said she got so upset (she is having memory issues and did not realize that) that she just got up and left crying the whole way home.

I realize the lady meant no harm and she probably was aware of some of my mom's memory issues and just meant to be helpful, but seriously you have to wonder sometimes what people are thinking when they open their mouths.  I cast no stones as I am sure I have done the same, though I pray it was unitentional...I guess I was just hurt for my mom whom I spent 1 hour on the phone with she was so upset she forgot.  I told her what I always say to my wife and kids...don't remember my date of death and don't come visit my grave!  Remember my b-day and how I lived and any and all good times we had...so I told her to think about that.  You both know as well we think about our loved ones daily anyway.

Vivian and Tesa ...whispered a prayer for both of you that your hurt and longing at the loss of your husband and mom gets better....they know you loved them with all your heart and they would want you to live full and be happy I am sure.

Best,

Tim

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