Apr 19, 2013 - 12:22 pm
Ever since i found out i have stage 4 colon cancer my emotions have been all over the place. I come to terms with the posability of dying at an early age (im only 31) and leaving my wife to be a widow at a young age as well. But then there are times that i dont think that i can handle this anymore and break down and cry for what seems to be no real reason that i can think of at the time. later when i think about it i feel that i am not as strong as i need to be and i put so much pressure on my self to be able to do what i used to do before i got this awefull cancer and it seems all so overwhelming at times it is even hard to talk about without getting misty eyed. i dont really know why i am writing this down but it seems like i needed to get this off my chest. i love my wife but i find it hard to share with her all my thoughts about what is going on because i am not sure that she would get it and i dont want to make her sad. for example we where going to bed and i was having one of my off days were everything looked a little more dark than normal and i was thinking about my cancer and what the future holds for me and i was wondering if i would have to be on chemo for the rest of my life. i told my wife this and i also told her that i was not sure if i could handle being on chemo the rest of my life because it makes me feel so bad at times. after hearing this she begain to cry for a long period of time and i was not sure if telling her was the correct decision or not. i know that as a husband i need to be supportive and strong for my wife but i also need to be able to talk with her about what i am feeling, was it wrong to tell her, or should i keep things from her that i know will make her sad? I guess this is all part of the process of having such a devistating disease. i also know that it is ok to cry (because my wife said it was ok) but for some reason i feel more emotional than i used to, is this part of cancer, or part of growing older, or is this part of having my heart softened to be able to care for people on a deeper level than i have been able to before? i dont know, i guess i have more questions and am uncertain about the future because i seem to be going from one topic to another, short attention span today i guess. i hope this makes sense to at least one person out there.