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Losing my spouse

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 541
Joined: Aug 2012

Yesterday my husband entered inpatient hospice with a few days to a couple of weeks to live. He started out with oropharyngeal cancer in July 2012 and in November 2012 was diagnosed with plasma cell leukemia. We got it in remission in January, but unfortunately it came back on March 21. It has spread to his brain, spinal fluid, vertebrae and legs. The pain was so excruciating, but thankfully hospice knows how to ease suffering. I am trying my best to encourage him to move on and love him every second I can, but I am overwhelmed with grief already. I don't want to lose him. 

Noellesmom
Posts: 1244
Joined: Aug 2010

I am so sorry, Vivian.

Lifting you up.

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 541
Joined: Aug 2012

Thanks for your response.  It is so hard trying to be calm for him so that he feels comfortable leaving me.  I so want the life we thought we would have together, but I just want him to be out of pain.  I love him enough to let him go, even though my heart is broken.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1244
Joined: Aug 2010

Lean on your faith, Vivian.

There is no victory for death when you have eternal life so David is ready for that blessing.

Lifting prayers for you.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1597
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry you are going through this. Having lost my husband to cancer, I have some understanding of what you are feeling. It is hard to watch them slip away even though we want them to find peace. We think we are ready, but we really aren't. Grieving is a process and each of us deals with it in our own way. Of course you are already grieving. The phrase, "But we were supposed to grow old together," kept going through my head. Your life has already changed. My thoughts are with you. Hugs, Fay

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 541
Joined: Aug 2012

I am sorry you lost your husband to cancer. This is the part I won't be able to say anymore. I can't imagine how awful that must feel. I never thought I would be a widow at 42. I thought my kids are now adults and I can have fun with my spouse. The best laid plans :(

nempark
Posts: 574
Joined: Apr 2010

Vivian:  I have been constantly looking for your posts because I lost my daughter (44yrs) to leukemia in November.  so sorry to hear he is not doing well.  All I can tell you is what you already know.  Love him as much as possible, ask for forgiveness if you have wronged him in anyway, you do the same and be there for him.  Please tell him this for me.  Tell him that there is a scripture in the Bible that says he will see his family again in the new world this is when God will bring an end to this old system and all our loved ones will be resurrected.  Also please tell him God gives sick ones relief even if it means death, because death is like a deep sleep, no more suffering, no more pain.  Please take care of yourself Vivian. You will endure this as difficult as it may seem.  Please keep in touch.

Pumakitty's picture
Pumakitty
Posts: 651
Joined: Mar 2010

My heart is breaking for you.  I am so glad that hospice could get David's pain under control.  Please know that I am praying for you.

Your friend form the head and neck discussion

 

Kathy

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1597
Joined: Aug 2009

Just checking in to see how it's going. My thoughts are with you. 

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 541
Joined: Aug 2012

I laid my sweet angel to rest today. He lived a great life and now he is enjoying his rewards. I miss him terribly, but he was suffering so it was better to let him go home. 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1597
Joined: Aug 2009

I am sorry. Even though we want them to be at peace, it is hard to let them go. Grieve in your way and time. It is a lonely journey. Take care, Fay

nempark
Posts: 574
Joined: Apr 2010

Yes, my darling, he is resting.  May our Great God grant you peace.

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 541
Joined: Aug 2012

I have been at least surviving the last week and a half without David.  It is so hard to believe he is gone.  Every night when I pray I find myself crying because he would always hold my hand and pray for us before I went to bed at night.  I must dream about him alot because I wake up with him in my mind first thing in the morning.  I try to stay busy but I am just existing.  I try to be happy and occasionally a real laugh will escape, but mostly I am just holding back tears.  I knew he was going to die.  I thought I was ready, but I was wrong.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1597
Joined: Aug 2009

in our minds we are ready, but I don't think we are ever ready in our hearts. We wish them peace.  We do understand that they are in a better place, but we thought right here with us was a good place. Day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute we get through those first days, weeks, months and even years. It will be four years in Oct. that I lost Doug, but I still think of him every morning, every evening, every day. My grief has mellowed. Time has helped. I have reached the acceptance step of my grief. I don't believe in clousure and I wouldn't want to close off that part of my life with him. I have wonderful memories and a wonderful family from our 42 years of marriage. I will always feel his loss. I am moving forward. Little by little I am becoming that strong, independent woman I told Doug I was when I assured him that I would be ok. Take care, Fay

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